Aibu? Legal/moral/advice?

[Unsurechicken]

Aibu?

Firstly yes I know I should post in legal but I'm desperate and hopefully this will get more traffic?

I have 2 babies 13 weeks and 15 months. We live in a local authority house joint name. We are unmarried.

My oh (now ex!) left our house two weeks ago after having a row with his ex over contact with there two children. We were supposed to be spending the afternoon together all six of us this hasn't happened since January after OH head butted me while the kids where in the house.

He's not been in touch asides from a few messages on his stepdads Facebook just name calling really. He's not asked after the babies. I've asked him to come and see the babies he won't.

We were supposed to be getting the children christened on Sunday just gone I asked him to come and he didn't. I went ahead with it. We had saved £500 to pay for it. We lent this money his mum and stepdad to pay to get SD to work/rent. It turns out when OH left our house he got his mums to transfer half the money to his XW he's then gone out on it.

Things were fine with his mum until this point we have now fallen out big time she's given him the other half and we didn't have a penny for the christening.

I can't get hold of him I can't get his friends to tell me where he is nor will his mum.

He is on birth certificates for both children.

In the past he's run off for a few days a week or whatever and it's mostly after those two arguing. The ironic thing is I've asked him to get a contact order because it seems there is a lot of parental alienation going on.

So I've gone ahead and applied for a what used to be called residency order it's now a specific steps order (I think!) court is tomorrow.

I had to fill in the forms and it asked if there was any forms of abuse I ticked all the boxes and gave examples apart from violence. To not drip feed I didn't want to get ss involved because it will affect his contact with the other two children or so I've been lead to believe.

I'm wondering if I should now tell the judge about it tomorrow?

I'm basically applying for sole residency and have asked for OH to be alcohol tested before any contact and also for it to be supervised. My main concerns are that at this moment in time he could collect our daughter from nursery and not return her I wouldn't be able to find them as I can't find him after almost two weeks.

So does anyone have any clue with what will happen tomorrow? I highly doubt he will turn up because I couldn't give any contact information for him. Although I have tried to pass on messages through his mum and friends they seem to think I'm trying to wind him up.

Also in the future I really don't want him to take the children to the XW house because of what's gone on and I don't want his mother to have unsupervised access she is very hot and cold and has told me she will be seeing the babies in a contact centre hahaah! As a side note I've always fought for all the four children to have a relationship XW has refused this and OH has put up with it. His eldest daughter has seen my tiny baby 5 times. I've spoken to XW myself and asked if I can carry on providing a relationship for the three of them she's said as long as her daughter wants that then it's fine can't really say fairer than that.

In an ideal world I'd like him to bugger off and never come back because he won't stick to a contact agreement he's not even rung to see how his kids are!

What will happen what shall I do? I'm not panicked or scared but I am upset that this is going to be a long expensive disruptive dispute and really he's only staying away because I've said I won't have him back this time he never puts his kids first I have to push him to see the other two.

Should I give xw a heads up?

Will SS get involved now?

Should I give my HV phone number to the court?

He also has cancelled our housing benefit claim but won't take himself off the house is there anything I can do about this?

Just bumping because I have no expertise wrt legalities. Wishing you and the DC all the best.

I would personally stay out of it with his xw. That family is his business and its not your problem if his abusiveness leads to his suitability to access other vulnerable children being looked into. That is the way it should be. But don't cause confusion by getting involved in his other family.

With regards to your situation with him, tell the truth, no more and no less. You should have been honest on your forms I feel but answer any questions you get factually and as accurately as your emotions can permit. Your single purpose of this whole ordeal is to protect your children and make sure that they are safe and well, including seeing a father they may love in a suitable environment and frequency to keep them feeling loved and wanted.

I don't understand the issue with your HV?

I'm afraid I can't help you with your last question either.

Good luck tomorrow.

I didn't want to read and run, and I'm sorry about your situation, and also sorry because I don't feel qualified to give you any legal or moral advice.

But I would tell you to ring Shelter and ensure your house is secure. I think that is your top, top, top priority, because if you had to leave your home on top of everything else, that would be a nightmare for you, and getting another home with no deposit would be very difficult.

Then I would talk to Citizens Advice and your local authority.

The Christening I would put very low on the list, but I'm not a Christian, and assume you are.

All the best to you.

You can apply for HB even with a joint tenancy. You can apply to the court for an occupation order to remove him from the tenancy and given that he can without your knowledge hand back your tenancy it is advisable to do so.

Now I mean this in the nicest possible way but you need to consider why you are attempting to force some kind of contact when he is obviously not interested, you also need to consider why you are prepared to lie on a court document and how that can bite you in the arse in the future. And how you are prepared to ignore safeguarding risks with all of his children in order somehow protect them and how bonkers that sounds.

I would strongly suggest you take yourself off to social services and talk all this through with them because based on this post and this post alone you need intervention and support from them.

Public funding is restricted in family cases now but may be available where there has been domestic violence, as far as i understand things. It could be on the form for that reason. Wish you all the best.

Obviously you make an individual single persons HB claim. This will only lower the risk of you being evicted as until he is not considered jointly liable for the rent HB will only treat you as liable for 50% but housing will treat you a liable for 100%

An occupation order is applied for in the same way and using the same form as a none molestation order and you are likely to be eligible for fee remission, if you involved the police before of can provide any other evidence then you may be eligible for Legal aid as well as fee remission.nyou will need to directly ask for him to be removed from the tenancy do not assume the court will work Out what you want without you asking.

You cannot apply for a contact order for him, he needs to do that,you cannot force him to see his children. It is highly likely that you attempting to force him despite him being a risk without proper safety planning would be considered a big safeguarding risk.

I would strongly advise that when you go to court you ask for the physical violence box to be ticked as you "just realised you filled out the form incorrectly" do this at the earliest availible chance. It is hugely in your interests and your children's to do so.

Do you have anybody to go with you?

Thank you all for the reply.

Sorry for drip feeding I forgot but I've already signed a single tenancy with the housing association but they can't put it through unless he removes himself. I will ask for an occupation order tomorrow I didn't realise this was possible but it would be very very useful and literally solve the housing issue as then housing benefit will be covered as in not 50% covered! Keeping a roof over our heads is very important.

The christening happened anyway I didn't want to cancel and didn't see why I should have too I understand he can bring this up at a later date but we all enjoyed it and he missed out. Tough luck to him is my feelings on that.

I'm not trying to apply for a contact order that's in his court at this moment in time he's just really trying to pee me off and it's not about the children to him. Do you think the judge will ask my feelings on contact? It does say on the form c100 or I think ca1 what's approaches to contact would be suitable? I ticked letter email photos phone calls. And then supervised contact.

The really sad thing is when he hasn't been drinking he can be a brilliant dad mostly. He's a rubbish partner though.

With regards to the dv it wasn't reported to anyone at the time so it would be his word against mine and in all honesty I don't want to go down that road. He once smacked our eldest hand harder than he should and I caused hell for him so I know if it supervised he won't have the chance to do that. A lot of it will be he said she said and I'm frightened that he will make up allegations against me. I'm also frightened that he will walk away permanently and not have a relationship with the babies which would be really sad for them. I wouldn't care if I never saw him again but for the babies that's awful.

How long can supervised contact last for?

Thank you for the advice on the xw I won't tell her or keep her updated if she contacts me ill just say I've been to court and I've got ... and that ..... agency's are now involved I think?

I don't want to force contact but I do want it to be established that I won't agree to unsupervised access will the judge accept that?

So I should get my residancy order and ask for a occupation order tomorrow? Anything else I can apply for that will be helpful?

I really appreciate the advice over the headbutting. It happened when I was pregnant and it happened because we had a row over the ex wife coming into the house. I did post on here at the time.his mother still calls me a liar because of it but he did admit to ex wife and his mum it happened obviously I can't get them to be my witnesses.

Another thing that could be useful is that he ran off once before without getting in contact and I reported him missing the police eventually found him. Would this go in my favour for supervised contact?

It makes me laugh because he's in his forties it sounds as though I'm describing a child. Although his family enable him to be a child.

Is there anything that I can take with me that would be useful? The form asks about passports should I take these and give them to the judge? And shall I find my tenancy agreement to take in too?

Query about the health visitor was should I provide her phone number I have lots of dealing with her due to our eldest being very poorly when little and our youngest being born early they both have bad allergys so she's in contact a lot. She's seen me at my worst and she's seen my house my children ect.

Thank you for all the advice and the well wishes.

Ohhh and no nobody to go with me can't afford a solicitor and I don't live near family mine or his not that I'd hand the babies over to his side.

Daughter will be in nursery all day at the cost of £50!! And my sons being looked after by a friend although the judge said I can bring little one in with me.

As a side question if there are any more court hearings now or in the future can I apply to the judge to make him pay the nursery fees? As there is no one to have them both otherwise? I know if your a witness in court the state pays but I can't find any information online.

Many thanks

You are likely to be elligable for legal aid. That is why you need to start being honest about the actual violence. Did you tell anybody at all other than mumsnet? I remember your thread lots and lots of posters told you to disclose and gave you lists of appropriate people to do so to several posters myself included explained to you exactly why it was so important.if you followed that advice you will qualify for help.

It is also likely that without admitting to the real scale of his abuse that you won't stand a hope in hell of getting supervised contact ordered. Without the violence you do not appear to have grounds for it. They are not really going to much care about smacking a babies hand,they will be looking for clear abuse not potential different styles of parenting

Your word against his will not much matter judges are not stupid people if you are honest they will work out that he's not being. Family court is not the same as criminal court they can work to a balence of likelihood.

It is unlikely you will need to take passports with you unless international travel is a feature of his application.

Take evidence of your income recently dated benefit letters or if not on out of work benefits then bank statements and any income evidence you do have 3 months worth is ideal arrive 45 mins early ask for a fees remision form and a f404 (off top of my head I think that's the form name) it's an application for a none mol and occupation order. Fill it out and had to clerk with income evidence as you may be able to get the fee to file waived. Explain its an urgent application and that you are before a family court judge in x minutes it's possible you could get that process started tomorrow. Fees exemption is differnt to legal aid it's solely income based not merit or situation based at all.

I've done them same day applications under much the same circumstamces but the court I use lots is not manically busy and the staff are very helpful yours may be different but if you don't ask you don't get.

Call the children's legal centre first thing in the morning (Google it ) it s a free respectable family law helpline that is not to hard to get through to, talk clearly precisely and explain the situation don't waffle as you don't have a huge amount t of time ask their advice amd take it.

And please seriously consider my previous advice to approach social services or your local children's center for support and advice. If you are seeking profesional help following their advice amd engaging with them you will have no problems, your personal supervision plan is dangerous to you dangerous to the child and is almost certainly likely to create serious problems for you if anything goes wrong or the extent of the problem comes out. engaging them yourslef would really be in your amd your child/rens best interests amd it would show you take protecting them and yourself seriously

A cost order to cover childcare would be a very very unusual thing. I don't want to go so far as to say impossible but I am not aware of that happening with any of my clients no matter who helped them in court but that is a question you could ask the children's legal center.

Are you certain you have been told you can take the children into court with you? I've only ever heard of that being acceptable with tiny Breast fed babies or little ones with significant special needs where it would have been obvious child care would be Impossible or where the child was older and a party in the procedings.

It is unlikely you will get the full orders in one hearing you are more likely to get interim orders

Good luck in Court today.

May I suggest you report this post and ask for it to be moved to Relationships where you will receive responses from those who've been where you are now and have happily lived to tell the tale.

It's called a "Child Arrangements Order".

I'm struggling to see where the dispute is, and on that basis I think you'll find the court unwilling to get involved.

I see that you're the victim of DV, but that alone will not be enough to get you Legal Aid. The lack of dispute (he's not insisting on an arrangement over the children that you are resisting) means any application you make for LA funding will likely be refused.

You may well get funding for a transfer of tenancy, but not if you haven't asked him to sign the papers.

Alcohol testing costs money. Who is going to pay for it? The court hasn't the funds. Usually the person asking for it would have to pay if the other party doesn't have the means.

I'm afraid you're likely to be disappointed today. But I would have the judge record your allegations of DV. That's really important. You can't drip feed with the court and expect to appear credible and be taken seriously. If things do blow up in the future you'd expect him to make much of your failure to disclose DV when asked about it at the earliest opportunity.

Collaborate

It appears going by one of her responses that he has brought this action not her

If you don't mention the violence, you have almost no chance of getting supervised contact.

You must mention the violence it's really important for your case,I'd also mention about the going missing and show any proof you have of that and about the fact that he cancelled the housing benefit as that affects your childrens home and mention the fact that he refuses to withdraw his name from the tenancy agreement,that could be seen as financial abuse as he knows it's affecting the house benefit.

Also show any emails,text messages,phone bills that show that you've tried to contact him about the children and the fact that he's made no effort to see his children and no effort to check after his childrens welfare.Also make sure to mention if you've received no financial support ect from him for the children.

If you have any emails,text message,voice mail,notes or letters where he admits having assaulted you also any where he admits going missing anything incriminating against him use it!You owe this man nothing!

Good luck with court

You don't want to mention the violence so that it doesn't affect his contact with the other 2 children? And what happens when he starts headbutting them? Or if he has already? You already say he's slapped your eldest too hard - it's not such a wild leap to him assaulting his other 2, is it?

From the OP it looks like OP advised ex to apply for orders re his other children, but she has definitely applied for these orders now.

It's quite confusing making head or tail of it.

I remember the ops previous thread and how much support she got on it and the very good advice she was given by so many posters. I hope she has good luck today

I'm so sorry to be late to update my eldest is very unsettled tonight.

Good news!!!! I got the order it took all of 3 minutes! The court have tracked him down and he's in Devon at his mum's allegedly.

The judge was a lady and she was very nice. She even called him iratic oops!

She listed the occupation order for 6 weeks time along with the next hearing for residancy.

Her words were residancy in your favour asides from contact.

So where do I go know? I'm not doing unsupervised contact if I do it will be used against me at the next hearing or if he applies for mediation ect. We don't have a natural or neutral third party to supervise. I called our children's center and our HV and they can't help.

Would it be really bad if I didn't allow face to face contact until the next hearing?

I don't have the order paperwork yet it will come via post so I can't tell you the wording.

To clear up the confusion. I've applied to court for a specific steps order and it was granted today. The contact arrangements order I wanted him to make was for his other two children but he dragged his heels and never got it done. I've not applied for any orders to do with his children. If he hits the other two children it sounds awful but that's not my responsibility his xw is well aware of the situation and she's decided he's safe to see their children. If I start telling her what she can or can't do with her children hell will quite rightly break lose.

Cafcass are now getting involved so what happens? What do they look for ect?

Feeling much happier tonight I think it's because I'm releaved that he can't just pick our daughter up from nursery and run off with her.

Holidays fantastic advice I've kept every message ever sent to my mum and to him while being together so if my lovely friend will have baby for a few hours I can sit down and make almost a time line for the judge or cafcass. I have also got every message his mum's sent me ie threatening me with social services telling me I'm neglectful but obviously if she had these concerns for real she would have reported me it's all nasty threats.

I also called housing benefit to ask for a letter stating it was him who cancelled hb they can't do it due to data protection but I have a message from his mum stating he was going to contact the council and hopefully tomorrow I'll call them back and Ask them to put in writing what date it was cancelled obviously the judge can then put two and two together. This is a very useful thing I hope to show he's not bothered about the children's well fare. I have loads of messages asking him to take his name off the tenancy agreement so I'll get these all printed off to.

Collaboration: the dispute is that hes irrational and a danger to the babies is he was to take them and not return them hes run off currently and hasnt got in touch the judhe wasnt willing for that situa to occor with the babies. they do cost money but when he's earning £34k as a single man he can afford it. I havent applied for legal aid and won't be. ill be doing it all myself I want to be able to say to my kids that's I fought for what was best and I did it all myself. If that's what the judge agrees to then he will have to suck it up and pay for it if he wants to see these two. I hope that when the order arrives to his mother's address he thinks oh dear I've really kicked the hornets nest.

He won't get a solicitor and I don't want to be a total cow. He never got a proper solicitor for his divorce I researched everything and did it all for him all was fab until the final hearing when he caved because of his guilt and accepted a settlement a lot lower than what the judge suggested. I have asked him to sign the papers and so has the housing association they got me to sign a single tenancy application too. He wants the house because I've made it a home he wants life handed to him on a plate but I feel that what you have you work for. I get £73.10 a week in benefits (sickness post c section complications which made me almost die seeing a consultant for treatment weekly) and with that and tax credits of £117 a week I have to run a car pay nursery feed the three of us nappies gas water electric ect he can earn £200 in a day if he works a Saturday so our weekly family money is equal to a days wage for him. He wants an easy life he wants me to arrange contact with the babies but I've done everything for him for the last 3/4 years and I'm not doing it anymore.

Thank you all for your lovely helpful advice feel free to let me know your experiences of cafcass or if anyone works for them tell me what happens step by step! I'm a planner and being organised helps me to feel less anxious!

With removing him from the tenancy also make it clear that him single handedly handing back the tenancy (each tenant can do so without the consent of the other and it ends the entire tenancy not just the bit with the one who hands it back) is a significant risk evidenced by him already attempting to jeapodise the housing benefit payments, to be clear you are asking for them to order his removal from the tenancy not just to remove his right to enter or live there.

This has three benefits for you, 1. He can't hand back your tenancy making you homeless and 2. You get 100% of the rent considered in your HB claim as opposed to just 50% and 3. He will no longer have the legal right to enter it and it will no longer be thought as off his legal home.

I'm assuming you have already or if not are about to reclaim HB as a single person? You can request the claim is backdated to the day after he cancelled the claim

Thank you. I can't reapply until the paperwork has come through from Hb they are after some evidence. The 50% he's liable for will he have to pay?

You can try to get it ordered by the court that he has to but ultimately the LA will chase you and will consider them to be arrears you are responsible for.

If you have not applied for a back date you can do so in letter format and post it in,instead of waiting for the award to happen.

Unsure well done you have done amazingly well today,it's great news that you have lots of messages as evidence of his and his mothers awful behavior towards you and I'm glad you had a judge that's switched on.

Good Luck,I hope the housing is sorted out quickly for you