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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'I threw it past you, not at you'

56 replies

Shambambolista · 23/09/2015 21:27

Sorry I guess this is a dv one but I think I could be overreacting.

H has been throwing things at me- not heavy things but I find it shocking and scary and I have ptsd and it triggers it.

This eve he was getting angry at me, and I saw he had a packet of baby wipes in his hand and I said- please don't throw that St me. I turned away to go up to the stairs back to my baby DD, and he threw them, not hard and they didn't hit me but again it shocked and scared me.

He said I threw them past you, not at you.

I went upstairs and sobbed in fear and anger.

Am I overreacting.

I am trying to leave by the way.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 23/09/2015 22:36

It's abusive. Throwing things at people is unacceptable.

shadowfax07 · 23/09/2015 22:44

You are not overreacting, and YANBU. I hope all goes well tomorrow.

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2015 22:46

No you're not overreacting at all.

Your own home should be the one place where you feel 100% safe.

As a couple, you should be looking out for one another and protecting one another.

We all need those two things as standard and it's something your DD deserves in life too.

Leaving won't be easy, but if you need to find the strength then look into your daughter's eyes, and ask yourself if this is the sort of home life you want for her.

Good luck OP, you deserve to be happy and safe Thanks

Original poster
Shambambolista · 23/09/2015 22:57

Thanks all. Just thought I'd check. He does it because he feels justified in doing it. He doesn't see it as unacceptable. I hope I leave safely and he then doesn't fight me all the way for anymore than weekend access for the kids. Have a ds aged 5 as well. Its a mine field.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shambambolista · 23/09/2015 22:58

Gosh thanks for all the wise words and support. It means so much Flowers

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/09/2015 23:01

Don't think too far ahead OP.

Never mind about any possible access fights - that can be sorted in the future.

For now, you just need to get sorted and leave. That's the most important thing right now.

Weathergames · 23/09/2015 23:04

My OH throws things at me. Hard things. He breaks things and it's scary.

I work with vulnerable people and have quite a high profile job - it's so so embarrassing and makes me very ashamed.

We are having counselling and he has phases when he isn't scary and abusive but I don't think our counsellor thinks he is scary and abusive.

I am not yet in a place where I can or an am ready to leave.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/09/2015 23:04

You are not over reacting at all.

I notice you said you have your emergency money and a rental to look at, do you have any other type of exit plan? Do you know how you will keep yourself safe after you have left, how you will make sure you are able to take everything your child/children will need?

I am more than happy to run through a crisis safety plan with you but would suggest doing so via PM if you wanted or if you would prefer womans aid can do much the same over the phone with you

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2015 23:06

Weathergames with all due respect, you need to find another counsellor.

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive · 23/09/2015 23:06

My sister threw a land line phone at my head, not so long ago. But it wasn't a problem (in her head) because I caught it. It was a problem though and that combined with other things means we are no longer on speaking terms.
It's rude and disrespectful behaviour which should not be ignored.

Weathergames · 23/09/2015 23:08

I know.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/09/2015 23:10

Never mind about any possible access fights - that can be sorted in the future

To a degree I agree with worra, however I would strongly strongly recommend that if no police reports or anything like that exist that you make a disclousure to your GP or your HV and make certain they write it in your notes.

This can be used to assist with a claim for legal aid (assuming your income will allow LA) it can mean the difference between having someone to fight your corner during those battles and not. Being able to obtain a letter of support from a prescribed person (HCP/support worker/DV specialist/SW) where they can confirm disclousure was made during the relationship will be a lot more use to you than one made after.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/09/2015 23:12

Joint counciling is rarely recommended to be used with DA it is not considered safe and not considered to be effective at helping.

Fatmomma99 · 23/09/2015 23:15

Not an over-reaction. Good luck Flowers

RedNailPolish101 · 23/09/2015 23:17

It is completely unacceptable, the fact he doesn't makes me even more worried for you.

I was in a relationship very similar to this whist having a high profile job and it's so very easy to blame yourself especially if it's built up over time you don't even realise what's happening until you think "AIBU" and then you wake up and think how did this happen.

I hope to all the people who posted saying they are in this situation find the strength and help to get what they need - which is as far away as possible.

And fair few years on I'm in a very loving relationship it will get better for you too if you get out.

Sending big hugs x

Justaboy · 23/09/2015 23:17

ShebaShimmyShake Course its abusive it's also bl**dy Voilent that's the big worry, one day It might be something that hits you were it shouldn't and cause severe damage. And a home is where you should feel safe and secure not a bl^^dy stand in for a coconut shy at a funfair:(

Weathergames I should see someone else for a second opinion its not just scary its violence and dangerous. that's mine if you want it!.

PlopsyWhopsy · 23/09/2015 23:34

You are doing absolutely the right thing in leaving, and there is no way what he is doing is acceptable. Well done on all the things you've done so Ayer and good luck for the day you leave and start to live a better life Flowers

Weathergames · 23/09/2015 23:36

It's ok I'm ok, not going to hijack xxx

Hellochicken · 23/09/2015 23:38

It was not a nice thing to do, I don't think you are overreacting.
Good luck for the future.

RedNailPolish101 · 23/09/2015 23:50

Weathergames I'm sure the OP and you can gain strength from each other - much love to you both x

Welshmaenad · 24/09/2015 00:09

You are not overreacting.

You've had some excellent advice and have a plan in place, but I would urge you to access further support from your local DV organisation.

It might interest you to know that the CAADA-DASH, which is a checklist used by many DV organisations to establish level of risk (the more statements a victim agrees with, the higher the risk) includes a question about the use of 'weapons' and characterises a weapon as anything used against you or thrown at you in anger - phones, TV remotes, even packs of wipes.

summerwinterton · 24/09/2015 09:29

It is DV. But even if it weren't you could leave if you are not happy. You don't need a huge reason to leave. Unhappiness is enough.

LoseLooseLucy · 24/09/2015 09:36

My sister's husband never laid a finger on her, but would throw things in her direction, slam his fist onto the table, push things over out of temper.
She used to jump at the slightest noise and was always on edge.
The threat of violence is just as bad, it's absolutely DV.

Please try to leave. Flowers

ohtheholidays · 24/09/2015 09:37

OP well done for getting so much in place for yourself and your children.

With contact of the children make sure you keep any evidence you have of what the shit head has been putting you through,any texts,notes,emails,voicemails where he's admitting what he's doing even if it's him appologising for doing it,it's all evidence!

ohtheholidays · 24/09/2015 09:41

Weathergames no counsellor any where is supposed to give councelling to any couple where there is any domestic violence or domestic abuse or a real fear of either of those.

Have you spoken to anyone else about what's going on a friend,family member,neighbor,dr,womens aid?

Womens aid now have in place a way you can cover your tracks online so your partner won't know.

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KEQjwvo6wBRCG3Zv92ZSLlIYBEiQA5PLVAousudgQXrn_lsE5bhGVStb0FNOQa7V9NONKKMahhxYaAhuR8P8HAQ