to wonder why a lot of MN'ers find being friends with your colleagues a strange concept?

[likeifyouhate]

So ... not really a thread about a thread but having read one this seemed to have that theme running through it.

Do people really find it baffling that colleagues are more than just colleagues and are actually friends?

Two of my best friends with people I worked with (6 years ago), I saw one of them on Sunday and I'm meeting the other for dinner tomorrow.

My last job I left I still keep in contact with my friend. We are meeting up for drinks next month.

Where I work now I'm friends with a guy and we hang out a lot outside of work too (nothing romantic).

Do people really find the concept of colleagues being friends that odd?

Meh! It feels just as odd to consider them friends by dint of proximity.

With friends I have a point of shared interest. At work I have (had) shared responsibilities. The first encourages me to seek them out for fun, relaxation. The second leads me to seek some distance.

Another thing that I feel odd about is that my friend is now my sons boss.

He moans sometimes, as we all do, and its awkward for me as she is my friend and sometimes I think that she has a point. However, other times I think that he has a point! So I have to bite my tongue a lot when they talk about work and I refuse to discuss anything work related with either of them, which luckily they both understand.

I work in a school, if we weren't friends I think we would all go mad. Obviously we're not friends with the whole staff, but our department tends to be a lunch / break hub (we have a kettle!) and we al go to the pub on a Friday. I would consider my colleagues my friends. If we didn't get on as a department then our job would be a lot harder. In my last school another member of the department took a serious dislike to me we had the same job and I was better at it than her despite me being the new girl and it wasn't a nice environment. I made one really good friend, we would still be in contact, but unfortunately we got pregnant at a similar time. She had a miscarriage and found it too painful to see me with DD so contact fizzled out, if it wasn't for the babies than I know we'd still be good friends now.

In previous office jobs I've never really made friends with my colleagues. We had a nice time at work, but it didn't extend any further. But I also met my DP when we were both in a dead-end warehouse job as a stop-gap.

I know I'd be sad if I worked somewhere for years but didn't have any colleagues who were my friends outside of work.

I'm about to retire so have a lot of years of work. Looking back I've picked up quite a few friends along the way. Eg One guy I worked with in 1980 and we've stayed in touch, meet up when he's in my area. Another was my boss for 6yrs during the 90s, he and his wife and kids came to stay recently. I just had a joint party with two friends from my last job that ended 5yrs ago. When I do retire I know there are friends from this job that I will stay friends with because, well, we've become friends not just colleagues.

I find it hard to imagine not being open to the possibility that a colleague might become a friend.

"I make my friends through my husband, my family, friends of friends, the normal way! I just dont like mixing home with work, I dont feel comfortable sharing personal parts of my life with people I have a professional relationship with. Its not appropriate in my view as it can, and does, get messy when the lines get blurred either in one world or the other."

I don't understand this - what is so different about the people you meet though your husband, family and friends etc - and those you work with?

I think it's strange to seem to go out of your way to not be friends with folk at work. People are talking about work colleagues as though they are a different species. When I was younger I made some fantastic friends through work and I changed jobs fairly often so got to meet lots of different folk but was only drawn to a small amount who stand out. Why couldn't someone you work with also be an amazing person who you have lots in common with?

I try and maintain a professional relationship with my colleagues. I always make a point of sitting in the staff room for a while each day just to touch base with people, and I am friendly with people, but I wouldn't classify them as 'friends' as whilst I get along with everyone, but I don't generally socialise with them outside of school, at least not on a one to one basis. Every so often I'll go grab a coffee with someone during a break, and a few of us go for a walk usually one lunchtime per week.

I'm comfortable with the level of friendship I have at work. I don't have a great many friends anyway, even outside of school, and find very close friendships quite overbearing sometimes, so spending anymore time with people outside of work would probably drive me a bit crazy. On weekends I prefer to spend time at home with my son or out doing something with him as I rarely get to see him during the week. We go away every holiday as well, so my time for outside of work socialising is pretty limited.

The folk that don't like to make friends at work - have you left your home town, moved around, left your old school friends and family behind or have you stayed put with family and childhood friends?

If you have, how do you make new friends when you move somewhere new?

Surely a lot must depend on what exactly you do for a living?

I don't understand this - what is so different about the people you meet though your husband, family and friends etc - and those you work with?

There is already a personal connection. I met my 2 best friends through the same crowd of people and the reason we get on so well is because we are part of the group that are all interested in similar things. We are all quite bohemian, arty types, so we naturally gravitated towards each other within a larger group of similar boho type people.

And of course there is the fact that I dont have a professional relationship with them. Thats a major difference, and its one that is very important to me because my friends can not have any effect on my career or professional reputation but a colleague-friend could do that if they so chose. Its not a risk I personally feel is worth taking, having seen the havoc wreaked on others careers by people they thought were friends. A PP on this thread said that she experienced something similar.

Why couldn't someone you work with also be an amazing person who you have lots in common with?

They could but I choose not to pursue it.

I dont get why so many people seem to be offended by my choice not to have work place based friendships. Its not a personal judgement on anyone, I simply prefer to keep my professional and personal lives separate and to that end I also no longer work with friends.

I did a couple of events for friends who had no money to pay a company to promote them so I did it on an as-and-when commission only basis, so I only made money if they did and the commission was "mates rates". One was a fantastic success but the stress of it did cause us to back off from each other for a while as we were sick of the sights of each other by the end of the event and we agreed that it wasnt worth losing a friendship over. The other seemed to think that he was doing me a favour by allowing me to promote him and event manage for him for nothing and demanded more and more. As it was, his demands and him ignoring my advice meant that he made nothing and I actually lost money. As a friend I cant fault him, as a client/colleague, I would rather eat my own feet than work with him again!

I am not judging anyone for how they make friends, I prefer to do it differently thats all.

Bambam

I have stayed local yes, but my childhood friends havent so I may as well have moved! As I said above, I had DS young (17) whilst they all went to Uni and moved on.

I have made some wonderful friends at the local pub. We used to drink in a pub a little way away as a friend of H's ran it and made some great friends there. But he moved away and the new owners drove the regulars out so we went to the local that we hadnt really been to much and got to know people. Out of those two pubs I have made really good friends with people on my own street that I hadnt even spoken to before despite being in this house nearly 20 years. All ages from early 20's to late 70's, male and female. I would say that I have made more local friends in the last five years than in the previous 37 just by stepping outside my own front door.

I skyped my friend in Canada today, we worked together from 1989 to 1994 and an ex colleague came over for dinner tonight who I worked with till last year.

I have moved around as an adult.

The folk that don't like to make friends at work - have you left your home town, moved around, left your old school friends and family behind or have you stayed put with family and childhood friends?

I have moved countries twice and now live on the opposite side of the country to where I grew up. I don't have anything to do with anyone I went to school with, and family is all dead.

I dont get why so many people seem to be offended by my choice not to have work place based friendships.

I don't think people are offended - just curious about why people dismiss a broad group.

just curious about why people dismiss a broad group.

I've had friendships gone badly wrong in the past and been pretty badly screwed over. Once bitten, twice shy, or in my case, bitten more than once and now I've finally learnt my lesson (at least when it comes to the workplace). I keep work for work, because I have no interest in being used by someone or things going badly in my workplace. I love my job, I get along with my colleagues, but I prefer to maintain things on a professional level with them, not a friendship. It can get complicated if things go wrong.

I keep work and home very separate. I get on with work colleagues but have no desire to socialise with them out of work time. I don't have anyone from work on FB either.

MNetters find a great many things odd that I find completely normal! Having retired I have several really good friends made over the years that I worked.

I dont get why so many people seem to be offended by my choice not to have work place based friendships.

I don't think they are offended (well, I'm certainly not, anyway!). Absolutely your choice, bogeyface and while I don't agree with your reasons, that doesn't matter. I think the OP started this thread because of the people who can't understand why anybody would ever want to be friends with any of their colleagues. I don't think you fit into that camp. Perhaps blurring the professional boundaries can get messy, but it never has for me, and it's a risk I'm prepared to take for a good friendship.

Slightly separately, it's a bit like the posters who deliberately don't want to make friends with women they meet at the school gates or baby groups. 'Why would I want to make friends with people just because we had babies at the same time?' Well you wouldn't, but there's a reasonable chance that at least one or two if them are like minded. But I've moved around an awful lot, and now work alone, so have to grab new friends where I can .

I am not sure where some of them do make friends when they don't want to befriend work colleagues, school mums etc- it perhaps accounts for any threads for those with no friends getting very full very quickly!
I just let things evolve naturally and wouldn't rule out a group.

I don't find it hard to understand either side.

Everyone's different. Some folk don't 'need' friendships in the same way others do. Some people don't make friends that easily and like to keep their home life private. Some people i've know have made it their mission to (outwardly at least) be friends with everyone they work with. Fine either way IMO.

Personally i make friends very easily when i see people on a daily basis. However i am shite at keeping in touch once that daily contact through work is gone, and i drift away.

I choose my friends, I'm lumped in with my colleagues whether I like it or not - potentially with not a lot in common.

After 14 years in the army & serving with literally hundreds of people I have two friends I remain in regular contact with.

After 14 years in my current job, I have no colleagues that I'd class as friends. I'll go out for a drink with them after work, but I wouldn't invite them round mine or go out at a weekend with them.

Same as I wouldn't sit down and run through Excel spreadsheets with my friends (unless they asked me).

I think some get to feel like friends over time, you see them every day, know what they got up to at the weekends etc. The true test for me us whether the friendship remains after one if you has left. I've worked in 4 jobs in the last 25 years, all but the current one with 100+ colleagues. I've always felt I had lots of friendships in each at the time, but of the 3 places I've left I only see 3 colleagues in total, they are the only ones I call friends, plenty on FB though.

I feel close to my current colleagues, we get on really well, but doubt I'd maintain more than a FB friendship with any if I left, apart from work we haven't got much in common.

I guess a lot if it depends on the kind of job you do. My job is very much tied in with my own interests, the same as many, if not most, if my colleagues so it's not surprising that you make strong connections - in fact, I think you'd have to make a real effort not to! And I can't imagine doing a job that I didn't feel strongly about.

I think a lot depends on the type of job (some jobs are as much a lifestyle as they are paid employment) and what stage of life you're at. I get on very well with my colleagues and regularly go out with them. However, I met them at a stage of my life where I already have a full life with a full quota of friends - and I struggle to juggle friends/family/work/hobbies/me as it is anyway, so I haven't looked to deepen any of the friendly relationships I have with colleagues. My life is full enough already. However, if I didn't have such a commute and a full life already, I would almost certainly develop one or two of those relationships into fuller friendships. My colleagues are great.

I make my friends through my husband, my family, friends of friends, the normal way!

Normal way?

I didn't realise there was a normal and abnormal way of making friends.

I just go through life meeting people and if we click then we become friends .... regardless of how I met them.

I just go through life meeting people and if we click then we become friends .... regardless of how I met them

Me too. Mostly to be honest they are people that I have worked with in some way. I really don't get this notion of only going to work to work. Whilst I can understand that some people don't have interesting and rewarding jobs - surely a good atmosphere in the workplace and working with friends would make even the shittiest job better?

People who say that they keep work and private life separate - good luck. You must have such exciting private lives that you can ignore 40h hours a week when you are doing work!