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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that I am going to go out of my mind if DS does not stop his bratty behavior?!

19 replies

CheerfulYank · 22/09/2015 23:10

He's 8.

He's just so relentlessly negative. Everything is "stupid". If things aren't exactly the way he wants them he pouts and has a tantrum. (Not a kicking screaming toddler tantrum but he will throw things etc.) He argues about everything. He talks back constantly. Even my parents, who think he hung the moon, have been mentioning his behavior :(

We got into it over his homework today. I tried to be as cheerful and matter of fact as possible about it but he was so relentless. "This is dumb. I hate this. This is so easy. I don't know why I have to do this when I already know it. They should let the people who are good at math do harder stuff." And on and on and onnnnnnnn. When he finished I checked it for him and he had two answers wrong so I told him to fix them. Then his pencil was broken and he railed about the pencil manufacturers and their junky pencils and their junky erasers and how there was only one work for them and it was junky and on and on and onnnnnnnnn. I told him to fix the answers he'd written messily (on purpose) and he made a mocking face and scribbled on his paper.

I sent him up to his room. I may have shouted, which is unlike me.

It's just so hard with him. Every time I ask him to do something it's "I AM" or "that's exactly what I was DOING" or something else. Every request is met with a tantrum or whining.

He has so many good qualities and I adore him, and I don't expect him to be perfect...he's a kid, not a robot. But at the same time I see his behavior getting worse and worse and his little sister copying some of it. And when he's so negative and disrespectful it's hard to have fun with him and enjoy his company :( We do read together every night and both really enjoy that.

I'm tempted to just email his teacher and let her know that homework has become a battleground and ask if I can distance myself from it. As in, he takes the necessary materials up to his room and finishes there. I can make sure it's done but nothing else, and if he does it poorly or wrong he can redo it during recess. (That is the standard consequence for not getting work done.) However, I don't want to pass the buck to the school.

I just worry for him, I think. He reminds me a lot of my brother, who lives to argue. He was (is) so clever, but dropped out of school and hasn't done well in life because everyone else is an idiot (of course) and he alienates people with his antagonistic attitude. I so don't want that life for my boy. Also it seems to me that constant negativity will make him a less resilient person, and that will be tough.

Ugh, and they get worse when they're teens?

OP posts:
Bluecarrot · 22/09/2015 23:15

Does he have plenty of things that are positive? Good friends? Groups and clubs outside of school?
Is he struggling with or worried about anything in particular?

My dd is particularly negative about every.single.thing if she hasn't slept well or had a tricky situation in school with "friends"

ssd · 22/09/2015 23:16

do they get worse than aged 8 when they are teens?

yes, just a bit... Grin

sorry, will go now.

CheerfulYank · 22/09/2015 23:20

:o That's okay, ssd, perspective is good.

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Glasspumpkin · 22/09/2015 23:21

This is why my DC age 8 and 9 have to do their homework in their room or on the dining room table with me in another room unless they absolutely need my help.

I read it through first to make sure they know what's required and tell them to get on with it, then I disappear. Once they've finished I read it through etc and annoy them by pointing out spelling mistakes.

If I don't they winge and moan just like your DC OP.

DragonsCanHop · 22/09/2015 23:22

They haven't been back very long.

I try not to engage.

My nearly 8yr old is youngest of three sisters, she is horrible Sad

It does get worse as they get older, sorry.

CheerfulYank · 22/09/2015 23:26

I think so, blue, but he doesn't. Last year he said no one liked him but when I talked to his teacher she said he was very popular Confused. Whenever he went to day camp this summer there seemed to be a lot of kids who greeted him and seemed happy to play with him. I guess he doesn't see friends a lot out of school during the school year (we're in the US so have a three month summer break) like he does in the summer. He has two cousins (10 and 8) that he sees weekly or often more. I could invite some friends over more often too.

He did baseball over the summer but that's over. He starts wrestling in November.

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Glasspumpkin · 22/09/2015 23:26

Also when mine are being a big pita I grab hold of them give them a massive bear hug and smother their cheeks with kisses till they are begging me to bog off amid promises of no more whinging.

My DS helps his DD with her homework because he hardly ever needs my help and is more than capable of helping her, this seems to work on many levels.

Glasspumpkin · 22/09/2015 23:28

My DD always does the I've got no friends when she's feeling a bit meh.

She has loads

Fatmomma99 · 23/09/2015 00:31

I think you need to and RESTART, because it seems clear that what you're doing now isn't working.

So switch down, shut off and re-boot and look at what you could do differently.

A very, very wise friend of mine once told me that if you keep doing the same things, you'll keep getting the same results. So if you don't like the results you are getting, look at doing things differently and see if that helps.

Your kid is only 8. That is really young. How about "yes, homework is boring, let's take a 10 minute break to go and have a treat and then come and look at it again, you can tell me how you can make it better"
Kids need to learn to check their own work, that's really important.

Good luck!

MummyPig24 · 23/09/2015 06:59

Ds1 is being hideously negative too. He's almost 8. It's so flipping draining. I really try not to get drawn into it and keep cheerful or ignore the negativity.

WildStallions · 23/09/2015 07:07

Firstly don't check his work. Then you've avoided heaps of pointless arguments.

Secondly, agree with him. Homework is pointless. There is no denying that. Then decide together whether it's better to do easy pointless homework or to face the consequences (short and long term) of not doing it.

It sounds like he's doing well in school and you're not concerned about him. So disengage. This isn't important.

Fatrascals · 23/09/2015 07:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Glasspumpkin · 23/09/2015 09:03

DS 9 was hideous this morning. I put it down to tiredness and it being fecking freezing this morning.

I didn't rise to it just told him not to speak to me like that and carried on with what I had to do.

I'm not a morning person so hate any conflict in the morning. So busied myself with the dishwasher Hmm and other stuff.

mummymeister · 23/09/2015 09:38

mine seemed to be at their worse around 9 or 10 and then again at 12 and 13 with a bit of a respite gap in the middle. this is about them gaining their independence and making their own decisions and organising themselves. nothing more. the only place he can push for his independence is over the battleground of homework. so you have to make a decision. carry on like this and he will carry on and get worse. or just simply sit him down, say this is your homework and your responsibility and I am not going to interfere with it. but sunshine when it doesn't get done then you have to take the consequences.

it happens with things like being late for the bus later on. we nagged our eldest every morning and moaned and argued to get there on time. Somone on MN gave me this advice so I just told her, that's it you know what time we leave to drive to the bus, we will go without you. first couple of mornings she was OK then around morning 6 failed to get a move on so I just left without her. came back from the stop and asked her how she intended to get to school. what a shock! and it has never happened again, not with her nor the other 2.

I think you just have to give over the control to them and let them know that actions have consequences.

PrimalLass · 23/09/2015 10:02

Mine are both like this, although DS (age 10) has got a bit more rational lately. DD (7) is a nightmare at the mo, and she was absolutely lovely until recently.

We are on a week-long tech ban after a particularly bad Sunday morning, and they have been much, much better.

Lurkedforever1 · 23/09/2015 10:21

Have you tried asking him if there's anything bothering him when he's in a calmer/happy mood? The odd time I've said to dd 'just recently I've noticed you've been easily annoyed, and that's so not like you I wondered if there was anything making you unhappy, or anything worrying you?'
I don't mean its resulted in some major revelation, usually a load of minor daft things all together that she's worked herself up over, despite not usually being the anxious sort. And once in the open its easy to put them into perspective.

CheerfulYank · 23/09/2015 15:20

Thanks, everyone. :)

Mummy that is what I'm thinking... I'll just have to let him get on with it. The school is very big on parental help but it's not worth this battleground.

After the homework blowout he was supposed to put his laundry away (this is an every day thing) and that was another to do so I just left. Took the dog and threw tennis balls for him in the backyard. :) DS was alone in the house with no audience to strop to, so when I came back in he'd put his laundry away with no further fuss.

While he was eating dinner he complained constantly about everything, trying to get a rise out of me. "Why don't we have dessert? We NEVER have dessert. It's a tradition and we don't do it. It's like we're not even American! EVERYone else has dessert. In the WORLD. You don't EVER make it." Hmm

I reminded myself of the phrase "you don't have to show up to every fight you're invited to" and just said "well, since you'd like dessert, you can be in charge of making it next week. Figure out what you want and I'll print out the recipe and take you to the shop." That took the wind out of his sails a bit. Later he did sound excited about it, actually, and said he'd like to make a chocolate cake. :)

It's hard to completely ignore him or disengage sometimes because he will keep pushing until he does something we can't ignore, like picking on his sister or telling her to say disrespectful things too.

Sigh. One day at a time, right? :)

Lurked, I have asked. Usually he says nothing or occasionally "you get mad at me all the time." :( I've tried to explain that I get upset with his behavior because I know he is a great kid, and I don't like it when he acts like he isn't.

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CheerfulYank · 23/09/2015 15:24

I have ordered a timer for him which will hopefully cut down on the getting ready for school struggles.

FatRascals I have heard of love bombing, yes :)

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