to blame my mother for my shit life?

[SlippingMask]

I have nc but have been a regular until a few months ago.

My mother physically and emotionally abused me throughout my childhood from the ages of 8 onwards at least. I was sexually abused and she punished me for it, blamed me for a pet dying (I was nowhere near it), prevented me fom having contact with my father and told me she had to lock away the knives at night because she was sure I would get up in the night and kill everyone. I was called awful names like slut, stinking bitch etc. I was singled out amongst my sublings , not bought clothes and stuff. Despite this I was a top class student with not so much as a detention on my record. i spent most of childhood shut in my bedroom, left out of family events and holidays, wishing I would die in my sleep

I now suffer from mental health issues such as OCD (the harm kind where I am terrified I may go crazy and harm someone), panic attacks and anxiety. I have never been able to build a career as I have such low self esteem and leave jobs as soon as I start getting good at them. This has impacted massively on my finances. I am an ineffective parent as I am crap at disciplining my DC because I dont want them upset, so they are unfortunately rude and uncooperative which makes life very stressful.

For most of my life, I have believed that I am defective and not normal and don't deserve anything nice in material things or experiences.

I was 40 before I realised I was not the demon I thought I was. So much life wasted! AIBU to blame my mother for this or should I not be blaming her for the way my life turned out?

Nothing wrong with blaming her but doing so will not help you rectify the situation or find any peace for yourself.

There comes a time in every bodies life when they have to find a way to fix or challenge the impact of childhood issues inorder to stop them impacting on the life you lead as an adult.

This may be that time.

Find out what helps and what works for you and put it into action.

The best revenge and achievement is living well

"So much life wasted!" but still so much life left. Yes, you have had it tough but it is within your power to change that. It is never too late, it is difficult and hard going at times but it is doable and you can change your future.

You can definitely attribute the way you've turned out to your upbringing. We are all hugely shaped by our childhoods and yours was particularly tough.
The word blame might hold you back from moving onwards and upwards though, towards a life you truly deserve..

Excuse me for being rude about your mother, but she was an out and out bitch, as was mine.

My mother had serious mental disorders and was sexually abused by her father (from early childhood and quite possibly into her thirties), she had abortions from the age of fourteen, she had a flipping tough life.

But she was a cruel bitch to me, and I blame her for that.

You go ahead and blame your mum. Tell your counsellor all about it - I assume you're getting help and not trying to cope alone? The experiences you had were wrongful, no-one should be treated like that and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, a child could do to deserve it.

My view, after years of depression etc, is that I want to be as happy as I can, every day. That's the right thing for people, to be happy, to feel loved. I thought that maybe a couple of years of quietly happy life and that would be enough for me, I'd be able to die content.

But it grows! Once you get some happiness, you want more, and once life becomes pleasant, you want more of it!

Go ahead and live your life. You might feel you're not good at this or that, but who cares? Just being alive is enough. Every moment of happiness is 'one in the bank' and its a slap in the face to anyone who hurt you.

Thank you for the replies. it seems I posted this thread twice so apologies for that. MrsTwee that is food for thought, thank you!

There's still a lot of living to be done and you can turn this around and ensure this vile woman does not define you for the rest of your life. I hope you manage to do this SlppingMask, regardless of what you think, you have amazing inner strength.