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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IANBU, but help!

23 replies

MrsSparkles · 22/09/2015 12:50

I am really unsure what to do. A family member (not close) has asked for a personal reference from me, but in my professional capacity. I have said no, I don't think its appropriate, and I know I'm right (even though there's no way we could be connected as family), but I'm a bit of a loss what to suggest.

They need this to get a job they really want and don't apparently know any other professionals (quite young, has new GP, lost contact with teachers) - any other suggestions from mumsnetters out there?

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 22/09/2015 12:52

Lost contact with teachers is no reason. I'd lost contact too when I needed a reference but they do remember individuals. Tell the relative to contact their secondary school directly and explain what they need....the office will be used to such requests and then will help them sort out a reference.

You don't need to stay in touch with teachers to get a personal reference.

JeffsanArsehole · 22/09/2015 12:52

Do you know them well enough to provide a personal reference? They're not asking you to lie are they, just to say something like 'I've known blah blah for ten years and I know them to be of good character' signed 'professional title'.

wowfudge · 22/09/2015 12:52

Is there anyone their parents know who has known them a while?

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 22/09/2015 12:53

I think they need to grasp the nettle and contact school myself

(have just made ds do this)

PotteringAlong · 22/09/2015 12:54

Agree, I'm a secondary teacher and am well used to former pupils appearing post college etc to ask for a reference - just contact the school. If you don't know them in a professional capacity then you can't give them a reference.

ThruUlikeAshortcut · 22/09/2015 12:54

Unless she has worked for you then you can't give a personal reference in your Professional capacity - it's either / or......can't you give her a personal reference? confirming her and saying you know no reason why she can't be employed?

MaxPepsi · 22/09/2015 13:00

Do you mean they have asked you for it because you have a profession, or that they want you to lie about you being in that profession?

MaxPepsi · 22/09/2015 13:00

them being in the profession

Original poster
MrsSparkles · 22/09/2015 13:09

Nope - all they want is a personal reference (of good character etc), but it needs to be from a professional (sounds a bit odd but there you go), they've queried if it can come from a family member as a professional but been told no. They've already turned down one from my husband as they didn't recognise his professional body.

I'll push the teacher angle again some more. Sadly parents are no help Angry and I really want to help as its a great job and they've had a tough time and done so well to get this far,

OP posts:
JeffsanArsehole · 22/09/2015 13:15

Then I would (and have) given personal
References for friends/friends children and I'm in the unusual position of having to ask a friend for a reference this week as my two 'normal' referees already work at the organisation I'm going to be working at so can't do it (which is really irritating as they've asked me to come on board)

MaxPepsi · 22/09/2015 13:18

Why do you think it's inappropriate then?

Genuinely at a loss why you would think that.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 22/09/2015 13:25

I would give the reference. If it's a personal reference, it's not inappropriate is it?

I think you'd be ok to say to your knowledge they're of good character etc. You're not lying/saying you've worked with them, or anything?

Original poster
MrsSparkles · 22/09/2015 13:27

Sorry I'm explaining it really badly.

They need a personal reference for the job, however:

  1. The referee needs to be a professional
  2. The referee cannot be a family member

Have asked if I can contact them myself to clarify!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSparkles · 22/09/2015 13:28

under no - they're not asking me to say they worked for me, but they are asking me to omit that we are related (and a question is how we know each other!)

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 22/09/2015 13:30

Ah I think I get you.
They want you to pretend you are not family?

Fair enough. Absolutely fine not to give one in that case, seeing as you are family!

Do they drink/ever worked in a pub?
Licencees can give references, my old boss used to give them all the time for both ex staff and customers.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 22/09/2015 13:31

Sorry I've got you now - it's the family relationship that's the problem?

Mmm. It's a tough one. DH did once give a reference to my dsis, and didn't disclose that he was her BIL - a bit dodgy I know. He said he was a long-standing family friend. I think this sort of thing must happen a lot tbh.

softhedgehog · 22/09/2015 13:36

No, don't do it. And don't bother asking the GP - we don't do character references as we don't know our patients in that capacity.

TheClacksAreDown · 22/09/2015 13:47

You clearly can't give it and it would be very unfair of them to push you

lougle · 22/09/2015 14:13

Right, so they're asking you to commit fraud? No, you can't do it.

JeffsanArsehole · 22/09/2015 14:15

I'd be wondering what their definition of 'family' is? I've done references (character) for both SIL's as they're not 'family' according to the definition both companies chose (it was only spouses/parents)

rosieliveson1 · 22/09/2015 14:20

I was all for you going for it until you said you weren't to be related. It's unfortunate but you are related and feel uncomfortable using your professional capacity dishonestly. It's a shame but cannot be helped.

Original poster
MrsSparkles · 22/09/2015 14:44

Jeff which is why I asked if I can contact them to clarify! I would have asked one of my parents friends when I was younger, but dad not on the scene and mum doesn't have any suitable friends. Its a really tough situation, and hard for people to improve themselves when they don't have the connections.

Hopefully I can speak to them and try to get some resolution...

OP posts:
Pteranodon · 22/09/2015 14:58

If you contact them, maybe suggest that their policy is discriminatory, much harder for a person from a non-professional background and therefore unfair.

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