To share this information about csa payments with dd?

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Dd shortly turns 18 and her csa payments will stop. Her f has paid regularly (court ordered) for last 14 years after initially refusing to acknowledge any responsibility for her. He made it difficult for me to get in touch, refused my phone calls and letters, and didn't see her for ten years. I stopped trying after two years.

They now have a phone/ text/ email relationship, and seem to get on well, same sense of humour but don't seem especially close. She sees him once or twice a year, if she makes these effort to travel to see him 300 miles away, he has only been to see her once. I am pleased that she at least has the closure of knowing where she came from, and I have no bitterness towards him.

He owes me many thousands in arrears from when she was young. It has always been my intention to pursue this when the regular payments stop, as I feel it would be too much for him to pay these alongside regular maintenance. Rather than take him to court again (he won't make it easy to collect the arrears) I am going to suggest to him that he pays the full amount directly into dd's bank, in instalments equalling what he pays now. So the money would be hers, untouchable by me.in theory this should please him, she is his daughter so how can he begrudge her? But he won't like it, every time I have spoken to him he is whining self pityingly about how the payments have affected him, never a thought for dd and how it has all affected her. I am on a low income and won't be able to help her out with a car, or deposit on a house for example, so it will be a little nest egg for her.

My dilemma is that I am very open with dd and try to be honest with matters concerning her. For years I tried to be tactful and sensitive in explaining why she didn't have a dad, without lying. Not easy. So I was going to let her know what I was proposing to her f about the arrears. But if he refuses it will hurt her, as it will expose him for what I think (deep down) he is. I hope he proves me wrong, but I doubt it. Do you think it would be better to suggest it to him without telling her, and then only tell her if he agrees to do it? I can't help but wonder if my judgement is a bit clouded as she thinks the sun shines out of his arse whereas I think he's selfish and can't really find the words to describe someone who has treated their own flesh and blood like this.

If you are confident that you will be able to get the arrears via court if he does refuse, then then outcome for your daughter is similar either way, so probably no need to expose her to the potential for negativity if you would prefer not to.
Hopefully he agrees to pay it without needing court involvement.

Do you think it would be better to suggest it to him without telling her, and then only tell her if he agrees to do it?
Yes ofc. I don't know why you would tell her before hand. I wouldn't go to great lengths to show her what a dead beat her dad was/is but I wouldn't be hiding it either.

I wouldn't tell her, parents protect their child. There's no need to cause her unnecessary hurt.

If he agrees to it fine, if he doesn't then she's none the wiser.

She likely already has feelings of rejection from him, no need to make it worse.

I feel for you, but I think it would be unkind to tell her this. On a need-to-know basis, I think she doesn't. I get that he's an arse and she doesn't see it, but FOR HER, this armchair commentator thinks it would be better for her as she enters adulthood to potentially have another adult she feels she can turn to if needed in addition to you.

Sorry. :(

Would you be able to go to court though. Is it time limited if he has been paying for 14 years would the court saying it is to late to collect the arrears?

You are all right, and I knew it deep down, but I needed to hear it. Thank you. I am confident I will win, but getting him to cough up will be another matter, he will dig his heels in but I won't give up. I've been told by the csa that arrears are never written off, so I hope this the case. Thanks all for giving me the perspective.

I never, ever say anything bad about my children's father. Ever. I wouldn't if he was living with me and I won't now he's gone.

She knows what he's like. You don't need to tell her anything more. And that money is actually yours - I completely disagree that it should be given to her. He owes it to you. If you choose to give it to her, that's your decision. It's money he owes to you and you had to pay extra for her care because of his behaviour.

Why would anyone not tell an 18 year old?
Also if you are i England and if she is going to university she has a separate right to apply to the court if her father refuses to support her at university as he does not live with you.

I thought with CSA arrears they were written off even if you don't want them to be and particularly with the new CMA system?

I hope not Grazia I did call them about it a year or two ago and they said they would not be written off and that I could still pursue them, but i know sometimes these departments give out wrong information, she would never pursue him for her uni fees anyway, but I hope he will contribute in some way. It's always been a kind of guilty fear of mine that the fact I managed to get the maintenance out of him and the resentment it caused him impacted on his decision not to see her.

I wouldn't tell her until you know what's happening. I have no idea about arrears and what you could be lawfully entitled to.

Dh isn't in arrears, pays regularly and will continue to pay the same amount to dsd when she turns 18 to help her through uni. She knows this as we've discussed it with her. Most reasonable fathers would wish to do the same. But your ex doesn't sound particularly reasonable, responsible or engaged.

He isn't littlelion but I know he must feel something for her so I hope he does the right thing, he hates me so I think asking him to pay the money to her is the best chance of getting it.

Thanks so much redannie that is really useful to know, I thought it would be like starting at the beginning pursuing him all over again. Thank you!

I disagree with a lot of posters here. I think children need to know some of the history.

My DNephew, when he was 20 yrs old, asked me about his Dad. His Father was an abusive alcoholic who physically and mentally abused my DSister, my DSister had a nervous breakdown after she left him, and it took her years to recover.

She suffered years years more of aggressive abuse, as did the rest of our family, bricks thrown through windows, petty legal action until he was barred, hang up phone calls throughout the night.

Eventually it settled down, DNephew was only a year when she left her ex, and was shielded from a lot of these things.

But he had his own reasons for feeling nervous when he saw his father (court ordered access), but because he was never told anything negative and didn't know how others viewed his father it was really hard to reconcile in his head.

During a general conversation he asked about his dad. I asked him what he knew, and then asked him how much he really wanted to know. He wanted the truth, so I told him. Not in gruesome detail, but the generalities of his father's behaviour. We then chatted about things his Father had told him about his Mum and the rest of the family, and he was finally able reconcile it all in his head, and recognise that his instincts about his father were correct, and it comforted him to finally let his guilt go about not wanting to see him.

But the ONLY reason he asked me, is because I didn't pretend to him that everything was fine about his father. I was honest that I didn't like him and that there were good reasons for my dislike. He never felt he could ask anyone else because any questions were brushed off and he was given non answers. He was actually quite upset that no one had ever felt that he deserved to know the truth about this before, and felt that he had been lied to and was quite hurt about it all.

Yes, cider, I understand why in those circs it will help your DN to know the truth. I still think though that we protect ch and don't embroil them with adult ugliness which is all from our own perspective.

I think though that is different Cider.

He's come specifically asking. In this case the OP wants to potentially push the ex off the pedestal. Yes, she may not want to do it for vindictive reasns, but that could be very well how it comes across to her dd, or her ex could swing it round into what a hard time he had and he'd sent as much as he could and she was always after money etc and it could taint the OPs relationship with her dd.

I think you absolutely did the right thing cider but my situation is a bit different as he isnt abusive, tbh I think dd knows what he is like anyway, as his actions have spoken louder than anything I could say to her. thanks everyone for the advice.