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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my son should be allowed home at weekends

66 replies

Skyfullofstars76 · 19/09/2015 19:59

My son is in a residential college which shuts every other weekend. This means that the young people are expected to stay there for a weekend. My son doesn't wish to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skyfullofstars76 · 19/09/2015 20:38

This particular college has lots of staff involvement much more attention then I would give him at home.

OP posts:
YouCant · 19/09/2015 20:40

If he is at the College and with staff supporting it would be good for him to stay for those two weekends a month but make sure the staff know that he doesn't get on with some students. Those weekends will be important for his long term confidence, independent skills building.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/09/2015 20:40

Let me see if I've understood you correctly - your son already comes home on the two weekends when there are no staff left at all, but you'd like him to also come home on the weekends when students would normally be doing other supported activities?

Is that right?

YouCant · 19/09/2015 20:41

There will be lots of staff intervention as they will be teaching him how to do things independently and different people do different things.

MakeItACider · 19/09/2015 20:43

I think you basically have a choice, either he stays at this college, and you have him home only on alternate weekends, or you have him home every weekend, and you find him alternative education.

I'm afraid if a college has those rules, then it is part of their admission requirements.

Piratespoo · 19/09/2015 20:45

The staff give him more attention than you would? Surely that is helpful to him then? Or do you mean he would cope if they didn't interfere? You need to give a few more details. Learningto live with people he isn't keen on might be a really good skill for him to learn. Do you expect him to come home every weekend when he is older? Or would assisted living be good for him?
Maybe you just haven't given it long enough and you are stopping him developing if you rescue him every weekend.? Just a thought.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/09/2015 20:47

I have to agree with YouCant here - our own experience, at least, showed that these "supported weekends" were massively valuable. And surely the staff giving him lots of attention is a good thing, especially while he's settling in?

I'm wondering if he's ever stayed away from home for more than a couple of nights before? Is it possible that there's some (completely understandable) anxiety going on here - a sort of "nobody can look after him the way we do" kind of thing? Believe me I remember feeling that way Smile

bloodyteenagers · 19/09/2015 20:50

Has he just started a few weeks ago?
Or is the the second year?

leghoul · 19/09/2015 20:52

surely legally he can leave and go home for the weekend - deprivation of liberty safeguards, etc - it may not be the preferred way of doing it, but he shouldn't be stopped and if he is they'd be acting unlawfully

Original poster
Skyfullofstars76 · 19/09/2015 20:55

He's a first year.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 19/09/2015 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouCant · 19/09/2015 20:58

If he's a first year presumably he's only been there two weeks or so?

ouryve · 19/09/2015 20:59

Does he not have a full waking curriculum at the college, outside of school lesson hours?

These places are usually so difficult to get without a fight, so there must be some compelling reason why he's been placed at a residential college with this level of, well, residential.

If it's just a case of settling in, then he needs to get used to the weekend routine. If he is settled, but it's not meeting his needs, then you need to communicate with both the college and the LA funding the place.

zzzzz · 19/09/2015 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scobberlotcher · 19/09/2015 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouCant · 19/09/2015 21:03

Sky I think maybe you need to give it a couple of terms. It's so, so hard to see them go off, perhaps especially if you have been his sole carer and this is his first time away from home. However, the value of residential education is in that complete emersion into college life, learning to live independently, to form peer groups, learn new skills. All those things can be very difficult to do if he is constantly focused on just getting through to Friday and getting home. The residential weekends will give him the chance to put into practice the skills he is learning during he week which he won't do if he is at home with you.

Original poster
Skyfullofstars76 · 19/09/2015 21:11

He finds the students very difficult to get on with.

OP posts:
IonaNE · 19/09/2015 21:18

OP, he has only been there for less than a month. And if he can not get on with any of the students, I think that means he would benefit from learning these "get-along" skills rather than being more isolated by being the one student who goes home every weekend, unlike everybody else.

IonaNE · 19/09/2015 21:18

OP, he has only been there for less than a month. And if he can not get on with any of the students, I think that means he would benefit from learning these "get-along" skills rather than being more isolated by being the one student who goes home every weekend, unlike everybody else.

YouCant · 19/09/2015 21:18

That may well be but it takes a while for everyone to find their feet. He may very well find that over the next few weeks he makes a couple of friends and settles. Give it time. I know it must feel like you've had you're arm chopped off and be so worried about him but he will find his way and be well supported at the College. Give it time.

YouCant · 19/09/2015 21:21

*your not you're

GrinAndTonic · 19/09/2015 21:24

Admittedly it was not a special needs college but my boarding school only allowed us to leave for three weekends a term (8-11 week long terms too). I think twice a month is fine to go home.
You knew ithe rules when you started.

Anyway, he has been there for only a short ti e so he is probably still finding his feet. I'd give it time.

Floralnomad · 19/09/2015 21:26

makeitacider has said it perfectly OP , that's your choice .

Original poster
Skyfullofstars76 · 19/09/2015 21:29

He's had mental health problems so I'm worried about him being unhappy

OP posts:
YouCant · 19/09/2015 21:39

Talk to the staff and make sure they know he has had mental health issues although these things usually get picked up during the assessment for the placement. OP do you have people you can go and chat to in RL? It's understandable that you are worried, you will be one of hundreds of mums sat having the same worries but please do chat to the staff, don't make any quick decisions about making him come home at weekends, it could jeopardise his placement