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Wanting to backpedal on what I said to a friend

9 replies

TowerRavenSeven · 19/09/2015 18:36

Five years ago our family moved. I have remained good friends with a woman I'll call Denise. I haven't found anyone I relate to here like I do with Denise, I believe it is same for her.

Before we moved, Denise and I knew of a woman through the children's school, I'll call Alma. I'm far from a perfect parent, but Alma would arrange playdates for her three children at once, 3 boys, aged 3, 7 and 9 and my ds, then right before the playdate tell me that the child minder would be coming at so and so time and she would be leaving. If I had known about this before it would be bad enough but she did this at the last minute. She had a similar way of disciplining her children - she didn't. Needless to say they had behavioural issues and had trouble finding schools to accept them. Shortly after the playdate incident they moved to another country and we never heard from them again.

This week Denise called me and said that Alma (and her children) are back from the other country and now going to the same school. She asked me if I remembered Alma, and of course I told her that I did, albeit not very fondly. Denise knew exactly what went down with Alma as she has a memory like an elephant, that's why I naturally said the 'not very fondly' bit.

However, Denise, I think, is looking for new friends (which is great!) and when I said the 'not very fondly' bit Denise acted huffy and I realized that she was telling me Alma was back and she wanted to befriended her. I'm a bit mortified I slagged off Alma to Denise since she's hoping to befriend Alma. I feel like doing some major backpeddeling to Denise but in my head I know I should just ignore it and don't bring up Alma again! Should my heart win out and apologize to Denise, our should I just keep mum and hope Denise simmers down? I know how hard it is to find friends to connect with and if I had any idea Alma would be back and Denise wanted to befriend her I would have stayed out out it and been supportive.

OP posts:
MagpieCursedTea · 19/09/2015 18:43

It sounds like Denise is a good friend, so if I were you, I'd just be honest. Tell her that you still feel uncomfortable about what happened between you and Alma but that you're sorry if bringing it up made her uncomfortable and you don't want it to effect your friendship then go from there.

Wearyheadedlady · 19/09/2015 19:43

Tell your friend you're sorry you were being so petty about something that happened so long ago and you don't want to put her off re-establishing her friendship with this other parent.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/09/2015 21:11

"Denise knew exactly what went down with Alma as she has a memory like an elephant"
So, is Denise hoping that you've forgotten? Or has she lost her memory in the interim?

Oysterbabe · 19/09/2015 21:15

I don't think I understand the play date incident.

hotfuzzra · 19/09/2015 21:18

I wouldn't specifically mention Alma but just when you're chatting to Denise next say How are you doing, have you done anything nice or met up with anyone recently? And if she talks about Alma you can say you're glad she's found someone to be more social with.
It sounds a bit schoolgirly that Denise would be annoyed with you because you criticised Alma and Denise was sort of asking your permission to be friends with her? I certainly don't think you owe her an apology.
Good luck whatever you do.

spanisharmada · 19/09/2015 21:25

I'm sorry I don't quite understand, why does Denise need you to approve of Alma? If you don't live near them I can see even less why it would matter? Your comment sounds pretty innocuous really. What happened with the play date/childminder? Is Denise really that put out? Any chance you're over thinking it?

Baconyum · 19/09/2015 21:30

Ofgs! This is the kind of nonsense I get from my 14 yr old not grown women!

She does not need your permission to be friends with someone and its odd she seems to think so, and equally you're entitled to dislike someone even if she likes her!

Don't discuss Alma any further. Maintain your friendship if you wish but beyond that who has who else as a friend is nobody else's business.

Runningupthathill82 · 19/09/2015 21:33

You are massively overthinking this...

CrapBag · 20/09/2015 00:48

What? Alma arranged a play date between her 3 boys and your DS, then at the last minute told you the childminder would be having them? I'm really confused and it doesn't seem like that big a deal.

What you said to Denise wasn't bad. You don't remember Alma fondly, you said so. You don't have to approve the friendship. Why on earth would you go back and bring this up again? This seems like a lot about absolutely nothing.

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