To feeling guilty not spending time with DS who has SEN?

[Notgivingin789]

Hi all,

To give a bit of background.

I had DS very young, I was 16, and since he has been born, I have continued on with my education. Whilst I was doing my A- levels, I noticed that DS speech wasn't developing at all and after me obsessing ( I was literally obsessed) and chasing doctors, he was diagnosed with ASD ( they want to reassess him again for this sigh) at 3, and oral motor dyspraxia at 5.

When I was 18, just starting my first year at University, I made myself a vigorous timetable, so that I can support DS with his communication/ speech skills. So as soon as I got home from University, I will spend 3 hours ( with breaks of course) working on DS speech and communication skills, and take him out on weekends, for some quality time. However, due to this, I spent much longer on my university work and wouldn't go to bed, on most days, at 5am, if I was lucky, I would go to bed around 2.30am- 3.00am.

I did this routine for two years, whilst at University. However, in my final and third year at University, (the most intense year) the lack of sleep that I wasn't getting for the past two years, was taking a toll on me. I wasn't motivated, I was sleeping ALOT and I worst of all I was highly involved (and stressed out) in my son's SEN tribunal appeal to put him into an independent special school. My tutors knew of my struggles, and could see that my work was suffering as a result and strongly persuaded me to repeat my final year. I strongly resisted as there was no way I was going to spend another year at University whilst DS still needed my attention. I was determined to finish my final year so that I could spend time with DS, whilst his still young. So I deferred my coursework/exams till the end of August, so I can still complete my work at my own pace but manage to focus on this SEN appeal.

Even though my SEN appeal was successful and DS is now going to a specialist school that will help his speech/ communication needs. I sadly wasn't able to complete my work, even right up to the end of August, though I managed to complete my dissertation module (which was a 2.1 ). Worst of all, the job I really want to go into, as my undergrad degree is irrelevant to the job, I need to do a Masters and I will need a 2.1 or above, overall, to do the MA. The MA course wouldn't even consider someone with a 2.2 or with relevant experience.

So in the end, I decided to repeat my final year, which I will be taking again this year.

I'm very sad that it had to come to that as I really wanted to spend time with DS and work on his speech/communication skills at home. His 5 now and I don't want him thinking that his mum spent all of his childhood studying at school. Maybe I should quit University and forget about the job that I really want to go into and just focus on DS. But I don't know. My friend has suggested, that if I decide to repeat my final year, that I should put DS into full time after school club, so I have the remaining hours just to focus on my studies and when he comes home, spend time with him till he goes to bed. When he goes to bed, focus on my studies for a maximum of 2 hours, then go to bed.

She recommended me this timetable, in hope I don't study in the early hours of the morning and so I can sleep well.

Does this sound like a good plan? I really would like to spend time with DS and to work on his speech/communication skills as his only saying 20 words.

Or should I just quit Uni.

I'm so confused.

Wow. You sound brilliant. Don't give up your studies, I am sure whatever field you go into will be very lucky to have you. Your son is a very lucky boy and you're doing a wonderful thing for him.

It sounds like your doing brilliantly in a really tough situation. You should definitely keep going with university, at least for this year. Put your head down and keep going for this year, and think about the following year closer to the time.

Thanks everyone for your comments. They really mean a lot to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough . But I'm doing the best I can for my DS. I will not give up on my studies.

That's a shame that part time isn't an option. At least having one less module to do will make next year easier and you will have already have done some of the reading for the others?

Do you have a partner or family who can look after your ds? Maybe a quiet couple of hours with grandma would be just what he needs after a tiring day at school.

DS dad is useless. But I was thinking of getting DS involved in after school activities like: Swimming, beavers, running. He really enjoys physical games and it will be good for him. My mum has DS too, but DS doesn't like to be stuck at home.

Do whatever it takes. He will be getting massive input at school and needs to relax at home. Dd1's SS won't give 'homework' because they feel the children have a really long day as it is. There, even break and lunch times are 'teaching time' because that's when they learn play skills or table manners/how to use cutlery, etc.

If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to take care of anyone else. All parents have suffered from a lack of time to sleep, do chores, study, work etc but it is honestly a different ball game when it comes to additional needs and you seem to be very dedicated.

I've got two autistic sons and a (neuro-typical) daughter and I blog about experiences I've had. This includes some of the things I do to try and keep my self ok. You might find this useful, sometimes it's the obvious stuff we miss. rainbowsaretoobeautiful.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/5-ways-to-get-more-sleep-when-you-have.html

Good luck with whatever you choose.