To wish MN had been around when I was younger

[zeezeek]

My mother is a narcissist - and I only realised that after reading various threads on here from people who have had the same experience.

I can't actually remember my childhood, or at least only snippets of it yet I am constantly being told that it was wonderful, etc etc. But after realising that her memory of certain events (eg when I was at University I ended up having to support my parents financially for a while out of the Trust fund that my grandparents had set up - in her mind now, they gave me money) are a bit skewed, I'm not wondering how many other things that I "know" about my life are wrong? I'm not suggesting that we were abused or anything, but for years I had an idea about my childhood and now I'm wondering if it is real.

Another thing that she has done is to whitewash certain parts of my life, like my childhood sweetheart and fiance killing himself - he's not referred to as "that idiot that killed himself" and no, she is not angry on my behalf.

Everything, always has to be about her and my father panders to her by setting up conversations in which she is praised. If she is called out on a mistake she will shout and sulk and generally accuse the other person (generally me as I'm the only one stupid enough to confront her) of treating her as if she was stupid.

Only my brother and her are allowed to be ill. I mentioned that I'd been feeling a bit under the weather lately and her reply was that she had a bad back, headache etc. I had cancer many years ago and before my diagnosis I was frightened and told her my symptoms - she accused me of being a hypochrondriac. If it wasn't for my the boyfriend (now DH) forcing me to go to the doctors I would now be dead. However, the story she tells now is that she nagged me to go and I kept refusing. Same when I was diagnosed with asthma a few years ago.

It took me until I was well into my 30's to stop the thought patterns that I was useless and she was always right. The message that I have constantly got from her (and my father) is that I couldn't survive without them and it was only after I had therapy following the sudden death of my best friend that I started to doubt the stories I'd grown up with: that mother was always right, that I couldn't cope without them (actually the opposite is true) and that some people who she had judged harshly in the past for various actions weren't as evil as she portrayed and that her view of the world is completely, fucking warped.

Then MN came along and I realised that I wasn't the only person who had experienced these things. I just wish that I had been able to believe in myself when I was younger.

Reading this and feeling sad for you, but at the same time I guess it's a case of "better late than never". You didn't see the light when you were younger, but you survived the awful things that happened despite the lack of support from your dm, and you did it on your own. You now know what you were up against and should feel proud that you are who you are without the support that others may have.
But now you do know what she is like, the question is do you just put up and shut up, or do you want to confront her and your past? Do you feel you need to?

Feel sad for you OP

I sent my niece, who had a difficult childhood because of her mother's behaviour, a link about Narcisstic mothers. DN immediately phoned me back and said "OMG that's my mother!" She has since said it has helped her immensley knowing what she was dealing with. DN has since gone no contact with her mother, after overhearing her mother telling DN's cheating husband he could do better than be married to my niece.

You are not alone Zeezeek, don't let your mother's behaviour spoil the rest of your life. You can limit your contact with her. I used to tell my ex (who I eventually realised after many years his behaviour was Narcisstic) that I knew and he knew he was lying.

People like this suck the life out of you.

I think that once the initial recognition that there is such a thing as a narcissist and that there are many people out there who fit that description - then you do start to feel less alone and less shitty for not liking your own mother. It can be so hard when all over the media and in society in general there is this feeling that mothers and daughters should be close, best friends, have girly trips together and confide in each other. I've never gone somewhere with just my mother and on the rare occasion when I've confided something in her I've only had it thrown back in my face during the next argument - or mentioned in front of other people when it was supposed to be a secret. SHe says I have no respect for her - but how can I when she treats me this way?

Muld - I do hope your niece keeps NC and I wish I could have done that years ago. As it is, we live nearly 300 miles away and see her only occasionally as I don't want my children poisoned by her.

PissPot - sorry pressed enter too soon. No, I don't confront her. I used to try, but everything was twisted back so it looked like I was to blame. These days I ignore her. It does make me sad though when I see/hear of how mother and daughter relationships can be - but luckily I (and my DDs) have other strong female role models (one of which happens to be my DH's ex-wife which is a whole other thread!!)