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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a thread about red flags?

13 replies

Shambambolista · 19/09/2015 09:56

Just struggling to leave a disastrous marriage. I look back and wonder if the biggest red flags were- burst of temper as soon as we moved in together, lovely before then; insistence on me doing more housework as he earnt more; rush to have babies; chronic job changing/ refusal to work once pregnant; controlling about money; flirting with other women; constant dismissal of my concerns; an insistence that I could make no choice without consulting him; insistence that whatever he wanted to do, I must support him.

Sorry bit bleak and I kick myself as he is nice, expansive, handsome, seems sensible .

Any other red flags to run run run for the hills?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shambambolista · 19/09/2015 09:56

Sorry seems nice etc

OP posts:
CatThiefKeith · 19/09/2015 10:19

I look back at my abusive ex and can't believe I didn't run sooner.

The time he completely lost his shit because I hadn't taken his car to have the air conditioning re-gassed the day before we went away for the weekend in it because I had a d&v bug

The little digs about how he usually dated skinny girls, like heroin chic. I wish I was still as 'fat' now as he made me think I was then! Grin

Declaring us soul mates, little lines like 'you are my best friend, I don't need anyone else' and 'if two people love each other, and they always put the other person first, how can anything ever go wrong' sounded quite romantic to naive twenty something me. Now they just make me shudder!

I wish I had Reality's stickied thread in relationships back then - there was so much wrong with that relationship, even from the early days, long before he got physical. Sad

Original poster
Shambambolista · 19/09/2015 10:33

I'm so sorry cat- that sounds awful. Are you safe now?

Agree about the all encompassing lines... Make me shudder.

How to teach our sons not to behave like this? 1. Leave abusive father. 2?

I'll have a look at that sticky thread. Should be required reading for naive young women!!

OP posts:
CatThiefKeith · 19/09/2015 10:51

Oh god, yes I am fine now, thank you - happily married with a 4 year old dd.

Twat face on the other hand rather ironically met a married woman, whose husband beat him half to death. He is now in a very volatile marriage with the same and regularly sports thick lips and black eyes that she apparently gives him. Shock

I am trying to teach dd by example that it is not acceptable to shout, intimidate, or phsically hurt anyone in an argument. I am probably a little too militant with this if dh and I disagree, but he does understand that she will get her perception of 'normal' from us.

I also refuse to be the skivvy of the house (my parents argued a lot when I was young - never physical, but massive rows, and dm did everything around the house and still does despite working full time)

I am doing my very best to instill a sense of self worth, and to drum it into her that she should never settle for anything less than a happy, mutually respectful friendship. I am hoping that will follow on to relationships when she is older. Smile

Blackcloudsbrightsky · 19/09/2015 10:52

Definitely isolating from friends. I think that's the biggest (in my very humble opinion.)

MrsToddsShortcut · 19/09/2015 10:58

Getting too involved too quickly. Immediate declarations of love. A rush to get engaged/married quite fast.

And yes. As soon as I moved in with ExH,he became much more volatile/angry/nasty and it spiralled from there. When I asked him why e had suddenly changed, he said "It's different now. You're in MY house now". Should've run right there and then. But the world is made of should've and would've.

Birdsgottafly · 19/09/2015 11:08

I'm still recovering from a six year abusive relationship.

I wouldn't of got out if it wasn't for the Relationships board, the links on there are spot on.

As well as the quickness of wanted a committed relationship, wanting to be with you all of the time, he was actually isolating me. My friends/family hated him.

I've lost friendships because of him that I will never get back.

Affirmations that he's "a decent man with standards (and he wants the same for you, so that's why he's 'directing' you (controlling). That he "hates liars", but you realise later that he happily distorts the truth.

When you've gone through rubbish times/dating, it's all very flattering and these man seem like everything you've ever wanted.

However, the breaking down/EA starts from day one.

AuntieStella · 19/09/2015 11:12

There was a really good thread in 'Relationships' about this a little while ago.

I'll see if I can find it for you.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2015 11:19

Gosh Dh tells me he does not need anyone else, he has his children and me. But he is possibly on the ASD spectrum like dd, and does not do well socially.

MonkeyPJs · 19/09/2015 11:21

People who lose their cool or disproportionately react to a situation, with zero awareness that they shouldn't have reacted like that - to them, it's someone else's fault (i.e. you shouldn't have made me mad or I wouldn't have done that!)

InTheBox · 19/09/2015 11:23

Another thing is listening to your instincts; I remember feeling constantly on the back foot, anxious, sad but I ignored these feelings. Especially so as the cycle of abuse is nice/nasty so you continuously hang in there waiting for the 'nice' for the how things used to be. Much like you OP, when I think back I can see the sheer amount of red flags that should have had me running for the hills years earlier.

I agree with what was said upthread about the life being full of 'should've, would've' but I think it was a tough but worthy lesson iyswim. I now trust myself 100% and don't put up with that sort of behaviour. I also agree wrt to the Relationships board being an excellent place to seek advice if not lurk for advice.

Watchatalltimes · 19/09/2015 11:27

Revealing too much about themselves on the first date. My ex told me how his ex girlfriend hit him, I later discovered it was the other way round. He also wanted sex after we'd been together just four days. Also my ex made out that he was always the victim, nothing was ever his fault. Looking back now, I think I should have walked away on the first date when he said "I'm just going to Gregg 's to get some din-dins". He did get a lot nastier, a lot more demanding and manipulative. I got rid of him and am now looking for someone who is going to treat me with mutual respect.

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