To forget what he wants completely?

[Sleepsoon]

I'm 4 weeks pregnant after a miscarriage at 10+ weeks (of which I didn't know I was pregnant until miscarriage due to no periods for a year).

Before I go any further, I'm fully aware we hadn't used protection but after my MC and only doing it the once for that conception, I didn't really think in all honesty.

I want this baby 100% and I just don't think I could find it within myself to terminate, BUT, am I being really inconsiderate to my partner?

He says he loves me to bits and he'd say fine if financially things were okay, but he's really upset (not angry), and wants a termination. He says it's not right to bring this baby up with a 'shit' life financially. I understand these feelings and I've considerate, but to me, I just couldn't psychologically cope with getting rid of the baby and I'm sure he isn't going to hate him self in years to come when he has a child in his life.

AIBU to ultimately do what I want 100%? I love him and he loves me too, but I can see the problem. I've suggested that we will get tax credits/child benefit too but he says 'they're taking that all away now'.

Please know that he hasn't been nasty, he's just scared.

Might I add that he will support me either way, but I know it's not at all want he wants.

Yanbu. It's your choice.

People always say it's your choice to the woman, but how about how he is feeling too? Why am I so important before him?

Because it's your body. You'll be the one that has to carry or terminate. If he didn't want a baby he should have used a condom.

You are more important here, because this could/would have a serious impact on your mental health.

" I just couldn't psychologically cope with getting rid of the baby"

It is always ultimately the choice of the person carrying the baby (barring violence/coercion by any means, of course)

You need to consider many things here (I have learnt from the wisdom of MN)

1. could you do this alone
2. would you pick this child/pg over your partner
3. would he leave/ resent you if you kept the baby
4. would you leave/ resent him if he made you terminate the baby

Do you have any children already? How long have you been together?

Wow, that must be really tough Sleepsoon - you have my sympathies. In the end, my feeling is that the potential psychological trauma you could go through and the fact that it is your body trumps his (quite reasonable) concerns about finances.

But it would be better if he came to see it from your POV. Pour out everything that's in your heart and then give him some time to think.

You may end up financially very well off in 10 years, you can't predict it but you can certainly work towards it for the greater good of your family. Not having any cash now isn't enough of a good reason to get rid of the child if you really want to have it. Just my opinion though.

I would say yes at the end of the day it would be you who has to carry. But

Like someone else said are you willing/able to do this alone as it might be a case of choosing between this and your relationship.

And if you are having to rely on the state, I'm sorry but cutting benefits is incredibly popular policy. It would be very very risky to rely on what is in place now being in place 5 years down the line. I would work out how things might pan out without that.

I also think your choice is he most important in this instance. If you wish to have your baby then you should. Choosing a termination should be your decision, nobody else's.

Could you cope with giving it up for adoption? It really sounds like a termination is not an option for your current mental state.

Tbh, I think his opinion is only slightly less important than yours. Of course, if you don't want to terminate then you simply shouldn't, but you do have to consider the effect it will have on both of your lives when it's about a child that belongs to both of you and not a body that only belongs to you. He does have a valid point if you are in a bad situation financially, so you're going to have to seriously think about how you can make it work.

If he really didn't want kids, he should have used a condom.

I would be the same. The psychological fallout from aborting my baby would deeply effect my mental health long term.

Also it's really normal to panic about money/coping when pregnant with a first child. Somehow we all manage though. Hand on heart, there never is a perfect time to have children!

Why don't you focus on improving your prospects?

OP I'm with you on this. Yes it is your body so ultimately your choice but unfortunately that imposes a very very serious outcome on someone else's life. It's good that you recognise that but unfortunately this baby has already happened so he needs to understand that fir you there really isn't any going back from that or reversing. It sounds like he will be ok in the end so try not to be hurt nlby his position on this and make the best decision you can for yourself.

I also agree that how you feel is most important. Abortion can be a very damaging choice psychologically and particularly so if the woman isn't sure about it.

Ultimately, the choice to continue or terminate the pregnancy lies with you. Yes, the choice you make will have a huge impact on your DP so consensus would be preferable but if you disagree on what to do here then your word is final. Your body, your decision.

It's true that most people worry about the financial responsibility of having a child, especially if unplanned. However, there is a big difference between being a bit skint but being able to get by with second hand baby gear and careful budgeting and having genuine concerns about your ability to feed, clothe and keep a roof over your child's head. If it's the former, it's not easy but it's doable and many young families who start off in that situation find that their circumstances improve. If it's the latter then I can empathise with your DP's point of view as, sadly, our current government cannot be relied upon to support the most vulnerable families, even where children are involved.