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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think he should want to attend the scan?

27 replies

pregnantandannoyed · 18/09/2015 09:54

I’m currently 14 weeks pregnant with our second child. Baby was planned. We decided we wanted two children so this will be my last pregnancy. I had my first scan two weeks ago and my second (and final) scan is booked in for early November. After I came home from the scan I let ‘Not-so-D’H know the date for the scan so that he could arrange some time off with plenty of notice. Not time off work, he was due to start a training course. He didn’t come to the first scan because he stayed home with DD. Everything good so far.

The following week H started on his training course. He’s really enjoying it. Last night he mentioned to me that he’s going to try very hard not to miss any days. Bit of an odd comment for him because he’s not generally a work-shy, absentee person. Anyway I just replied. “Yeah, okay. Well, except for November X.” In response I got a blank look and him asking what ‘November X’ was. I reminded him about the scan scheduled for that date. ‘Oh.’ He says. And follows up five minutes later with ‘You know I mightn’t go. I’ll see how things are with the course.’

Now, it isn’t that I need him there to hold my hand or anything. I went to the first scan alone. It’s not a high-risk pregnancy. If he had a good reason for not attending the scan that’d be fine. But I don’t think not wanting to miss a day (or a half-day) of his course - with 9 weeks notice- is a valid reason. I don’t know, AIBU? AIB pregnant and hormonal and U and thinking this is a bigger deal than it is? I haven’t said anything to him. Because it’s not about whether or not he comes to the scan I’m pissed off that he’s choosing not to come because he cant bear to drag himself away from his precious course for a couple of hours. I don’t want to say to him ‘I’m annoyed that you don’t want to come to this scan’ for him to sigh and tell me that he’ll come ‘if I really want him to’ or something. I’m not going to ask him to come. He can come if he wants. If not I’ll go alone. I’m annoyed that he doesn’t want to.

OP posts:

Anotherusername1 · 18/09/2015 09:57

I was bored during my 20 week scan! What is the course? Can he miss a session without it being a problem? Could you take someone else with you?

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/09/2015 09:59

Yanbu.

very odd comments from him tbh.

if he's not up to making up on a missed half day does he have the capacity to be on the course in the first place

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/09/2015 10:01

another

being bored is good. means everything's ok.

he should be relieved to be bored

Original poster

pregnantandannoyed · 18/09/2015 10:02

I could take someone else with me but I don't mind going alone. I'll need to arrange childcare for our DD but would have needed to do that anyway whether he comes or not.

The course is something he is enjoying but I really didn't think it would be a problem to take some time off for this scan. I suppose I was hoping that the scan would be more important to him. I certainly hope he can take a few hours off for the birth!

OP posts:

NobodyLivesHere · 18/09/2015 10:04

YANBU, i think people forget these scans are not there just for a look at the baby and to find out the sex, they are to look for problems and whilst of course i hope there arent any for you, there MAY be and he should be there for that possibility alone. i'd be very pissed off in your shoes.

OneDay103 · 18/09/2015 10:06

Yanbu, of course he should be there. It's irrelevant if it's boring, he is providing support and shouldn't he want to see his own child.

Original poster

pregnantandannoyed · 18/09/2015 10:06

Gileswithachainsaw
I'm tempted to suggest that to him!
"If you're struggling so much that you can't miss a few a hours then maybe this isn't the right course for you." And he's only been doing the course for two weeks so does he think he'll still be struggling in November?

Nah, I think it's just that he doesn't want to take a half day because he likes the course.

OP posts:

Original poster

pregnantandannoyed · 18/09/2015 10:11

NobodyLivesHere
We are hoping to find out the gender. I know some people choose not to but we would like to know.

OneDay103
He wasn't at the first scan and we only get two so if he doesn't go that means he misses both. He came to both scans with DD (wasn't on a course then obv)

Thank you for the yanbus though. I was kinda hoping even just a few people would tell me that it's okay to be at least a bit upset about this. I'm not going off on one or anything but I'm disappointed with his priorities.

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/09/2015 10:13

we all have better things to do that sit around in hospitals while someone stares silently at a screen.

sure beats the hell out of scary or nasty surprises down the line though. I had loads of scans. dp couldn't be present for every one and not would I have expected him to. but yhat was different. he was still there for the main scans. if there's gonna be bad news this is when they will tell you and he should want to be there for you

HackerFucker22 · 18/09/2015 11:13

We had some issues flagged up at our anomaly scan thankfully nothing serious but we had to go through lots more scans and numerous other investigations to get the all clear I'd have lost the plot if I'd been alone. Also with DC2 we decided to find out gender.

I have been to scans alone though. I went for a standard growth scan with DC1 and DC2 alone (@36w and 38w) as everyone at my hospital get 3 scans. I also went to several scans with second baby alone as they were middle of the day. OH came to all the "important" ones though.

Witchend · 18/09/2015 11:18

At the 20 week scan we had."we need the baby just to move round a bit to get a better look"...
"I think the consultant may need just to check this as I can't get a good view"...
"I'm sorry to have to tell you..."

He needs to be there. Bored is good.

Original poster

pregnantandannoyed · 18/09/2015 11:34

I don't think he's worried about being bored tbh, we have an appointment time and I was told that I was to go straight to that area of the hospital so there shouldn't be too much waiting around. He just cba to take a bit of time off.

I hope he doesn't go on about something or other that happened on his course. Maybe it's petty of me but I find it hard to be excited about it given the circumstances.

OP posts:

Name7 · 18/09/2015 12:43

I'm so sorry Witchend

Tootsiepops · 18/09/2015 12:50

He should be there. It's great to assume everything will be ok, but the 20 week scan is an anomaly check. If anything were to be found, you will need one another.

yorkshapudding · 18/09/2015 12:51

I would be pissed off that he even sees it as an option to be honest. You should be in this together, it's his baby too. Pregnancy is tough, especially when you already have another little one, so he should be doing anything and everything he can to support you. If, heaven forbid, something concerning was identified at the scan, how would he ever forgive himself for making you face that alone?

You're not asking him to sacrifice anything here. You're not being unsupportive of him doing the course. All he has to do is miss a couple of hours, no matter how intense the course is they will be fine with him taking a couple of hours to support his pregnant wife at an essential medical appointment.

slicedfinger · 18/09/2015 12:51

Witchend

That is the main reason he ought to be there, nothing is a given even in a low risk pregnancy. Plus the opportunity to see his own baby! It isn't a blimmin' NCT coffee morning ffs.

5madthings · 18/09/2015 12:56

Yanbu he should be there if you want him to be.

These scans aren't for fun they are to check on the health of the baby.

With ds1 they noticed an issue with his kidneys, thankfully it only required monitoring and some antibiotics as precaution and he is a strapping 16yr old now but it could have been much more serious.

I have my dating scan next week, dh has arranged to take time off to come with me, I said to him if he couldn't not to worry and he said no he will be there just in case, if heaven forbid there is bad news he doesn't want me to be on my own.

Original poster

pregnantandannoyed · 18/09/2015 13:37

Sorry to hear that Witchend. I hope your DC is okay now.

OP posts:

Osolea · 18/09/2015 13:43

I think YABU. You say that he's likely to go if you make a fuss so he will do what you want if he knows it's important to you. But as he's already missed one scan and knows you are fine to go alone, then as much as I understand you wanting him to want to go, if he doesn't feel that strongly about it then he just doesn't. He can't change the way he feels, so even if he did come now you'd probably still feel pissed off.

Wanting to do well on his course and not being bothered about seeing the scan doesn't mean he loves you or the baby any less. If he's generally a good husband and father, then I'd let it go.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 18/09/2015 13:49

Witchend, I'm sorry for your loss
Nothing prepares you for that kind of news or makes it easy. But better to go through it together if at all possible.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/09/2015 13:55

being fine go gp on your own doesn't mean fine to deal with bad news or concerns on your own afterwards.

I got bad news at my scan I'd sent dp and dd home as I thought they'd tell me in the room but they didnt so I assumed all was ok.

I'm strong..I deal with all most stuff on my own.

still sucks to be left sobbing in a room in your own cos no one's there.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/09/2015 13:55

witch

Sixgeese · 18/09/2015 13:59

I have 3 DC, all high risk pregnancies, and DH didn't come to the scans. He is a teacher, and yes he could have arranged for a supply teacher to cover his lessons, but my scans were mostly during times where they were covering exam work prior to A levels for his students, so he didn't want to let his students down. I had a lot of scans, and anti natal appointments as I have medical problems which mean at least 1 or 2 hospital appointments a month while pregnant, and DC3 was screen positive....and yes I went for the further scans without him.

YANBU to want him there, but sometimes our partners can't always come with us, it doesn't mean they don't care.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 18/09/2015 14:02

Your anomaly scans for all 3 of your chicken happened just in the weeks before A-levels? That's a co-incidence! My dh is a teacher yet came to the most important scans with me, others I went to alone.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 18/09/2015 14:02

Hopefully you had children not chickens

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