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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect that my 7yo DD has someone to sit with?

27 replies

Unreasonablebetty · 17/09/2015 23:40

My little girl has had problems integrating at school, she spent from reception until half way through year 2 being best friends with the same child who would leave her out if she didn't do as was always expected.
Since this all started she has been very much a loner at school.
I told my daughter we would take other children out and she should make Jew friendships, this made my daughter happier, but friendships fizzled out.

My daughter now plays with a girl the year above her, but she has no one to sit with at lunch time, and these friends from last year are nowhere to be seen.

Until I talk about having another friendship day, then she's talking about inviting these girls, I just don't get it. Am I being unreasonable to think if these children don't seem to want anything else to do with my DD I really shouldn't be taking them out?
How on earth can they not ask her to have lunch with them, or to play with them but are very excited to join us for days out?
All three of them are lovely girls, just have some issues socialising.

Not sure if it's worth saying that my little girl goes to a breakfast club, after school club and various sports activities, where she seems to get on fine. Always has someone to play with. It's just lunch times she struggles.

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable expecting it all to be good. I spent much of my school life worrying that I didn't have anyone to eat with so maybe it's all my insecurities being rubbed off onto her... But I hate the idea of her being on her own when everyone else would have someone to sit with...

OP posts:
Griphook · 17/09/2015 23:45

Did you mean Jew or new?

Original poster
Unreasonablebetty · 17/09/2015 23:56

I meant new not Jew,
Sorry, I really need to become friendlier with spell check!

OP posts:
Hamiltoes · 17/09/2015 23:58

OP clearly meant new geta grip Hmm

Is this worrying your daughter?

Sometimes mines comes home and when I ask what she did etc, she says she just played by herself at break and lunch. I always feel a slight pang of sorrow for her, I think as parents one of the worst things is the thought of your child being alone. But when I questioned DD, she genuinely didn't seem at all phased by it, just said she didn't feel like being with anyone else today and that was that.

I think if she is feeling alone, then it would be worth trying another playdate type thing and seeing if that helps?

cece · 18/09/2015 00:01

Why don't you speak to her teacher who could then find her some people to sit with?

Original poster
Unreasonablebetty · 18/09/2015 00:11

She seems fine with it, but that's even sadder in my opinion. I worry she might want someone to talk to but she doesn't want to admit it maybe?
She's even gone as far as saying she likes sitting outside with her lunch on her own... We did discuss a little earlier about a friend of hers and she says they are school dinners and I said we could swap from packed lunch to dinners if she wanted, and she got quite panicky and said no...

I have spoken to the teachers about similar in the past. I'm worried that if she doesn't see it as an issue that maybe I will damage her confidence in wading in and trying to change things.

Maybe another play date with a few girls from school is what's needed. Maybe bowling and lunch at Frankie and bennys will be a lovely time out, we can invite 3 or four other children...this doesn't seem to be anything that lasts long term, but I think it's a good sign children are happy to come along and spend the time with Dd

Thanks ladies

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 18/09/2015 00:13

This is why the best friends thing is a bad idea, your DD hasnt mixed and the others just get on as they always have done. They arent ignoring her, as such. Usually they line up in class order and sit in rows. So how is she alone? Friendships take time, and youd be better inviting one rather than an established group. Friendship days? No pressure then,

Original poster
Unreasonablebetty · 18/09/2015 00:22

Well it's not that much pressure on anyone but us? Four or five times in the past six months we've rounded up numerous children and taken them to the cinema and out for lunches. The kids have all coloured in and eaten together and it's been nice, I don't see anything wrong with it?

These weren't friends in an established group, but a group of children who all seemed to play on their own at opposite corners of the playground (as I was told)

The best friend thing really didn't help, it's something I always tried to warn my daughter about, but children often don't listen.
that's a fair point about the children lining up, and how could she be alone, I hadn't given it that thought to think logistically how it works. I just went into worry mode when she mentioned sitting on her own
I will have to ask this on the way to school tomorrow

OP posts:
cece · 18/09/2015 00:26

Has the teacher confirmed she is actually on her own or are you relying on your DD to tell you?

Original poster
Unreasonablebetty · 18/09/2015 00:31

Not this time cece. They confirked last year, I'll need to check with the dinnerladies. Also someone above said that the kids go in for lunch as a class, this seems a reasonable thing to expect. So in the morning me and Dd will have a chat about how alone she really is.. just to check what's going on

OP posts:
yakari · 18/09/2015 00:39

I would do things more low key - be interesting to see how she gets on with the kids when there isn't a distraction like a film, lunch, bowling.
What happens if they are at your house, a basic park with some swings.
There aren't many kids who would get on well at a day out like you describe but the dynamics might be more telling if they are in a more 'normal' environment.

mammmamia · 18/09/2015 00:50

Why not invite other children round to play and for tea rather than the stress of taking loads of kids out? They're more likely to relax and make friends playing together not cooped up in a cinema...

mammmamia · 18/09/2015 00:51

Cross posted with Yakari

TheHouseOnTheLane · 18/09/2015 00:56

I agree....4 or 5 times in the last 6 months is a lot! Most people I know offer cinema trips for a group of them once a year...on birthdays!

Invite one child for tea after school....they can bond more effectively.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 18/09/2015 06:18

I meant that calling a get together a Friendship day is huge pressure on your daughter. I agree that in reality you want kids to your house, to just let them play, keep out of the way make yourself busy!! Ultimately you want other kids to be happy to knock your door and feel at home, so when they are bigger they can sort themselves out.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 18/09/2015 06:24

Bless her.
I would concentrate on friendship in school rather than plan elaborate playdates. Ask the teacher or lunchtime superviser to check DD isn't on her own.

OneDay103 · 18/09/2015 06:26

I think that by clinging onto one friend only, your dd has isolated herself from making other friends. It's not that the other girls are excluding her, they are just carrying on with the same group of friends whilst the one friend your dd had is no longer and the impact is now noticeable.
Instead of forcing these friendship days which won't really achieve much, speak to the teacher and ask her to get your dd included in activities and lunchtime. Let the other girls get to know her first before these days out where they will come just for the Fun and be the Same back at school.

damselinthisdress · 18/09/2015 06:29

I can understand your concern and have had similar feelings when DD says she was alone at school, but I've also realised how easy going most young children are when it comes to friendships.

On the one hand you have the children who like to stick to a few close friends, like my DD and it sounds like yours too, and on the other there are kids who will play with whoever they notice playing.

If your DD isn't noticed because she's alone and therefore not making any noise or doing anything exciting, they won't play with her. But they probably would still be overjoyed to be invited for a play date and play happily at your home. It will also make your DD more comfortable just going to play with these children at school.

CarlaJones · 18/09/2015 07:08

I was going to say the same, that inviting individual kids for tea might help more than inviting groups to activities and meals. Then they can play in their own way.

Keeptrudging · 18/09/2015 07:17

Speak to school. Small childrens' perception of being 'alone' all lunchtime can be skewed. It may be she was alone for 5 minutes, or she didn't get to sit with someone she wanted to at lunch.

I've had parents coming to see me who have been really worried/distressed because they think their child has no friends/is alone in the playground every day. Talking to playground staff and actually going out to see for myself, it's not been the case at all, the child has maybe had a short time between them finishing lunch and their friends finishing, or they've not been playing the same game etc.

I'm not saying your daughter is making it up, just that it's generally not the case that little ones aren't playing with someone or are by themselves, playground supervisors also would be keeping an eye out for this.

SoupDragon · 18/09/2015 07:24

How on earth can they not ask her to have lunch with them, or to play with them but are very excited to join us for days out?

Does your DD ask if she can sit with them or play with them?

allnewredfairy · 18/09/2015 07:26

One thing I found that helped when my DD was feeling isolated at lunchtime (and was unhappy about it) was to send her in with a skipping rope, french elastic or some jacks and very quickly other children were keen to have a go and play with her. Might be worth a try.
Do bear in mind though that it may not be bothering her half as much as it bothers you to hear about it.

britnay · 18/09/2015 07:33

Maybe she is an introvert who gets tired of being in busy classrooms and would like some quiet time alone at lunchtime? Perhaps she'd prefer to relax at lunchtime with a book?

Lauren15 · 18/09/2015 07:43

I'm a TA and I've noticed that lunchtimes are so frenetic kids end up not sitting with their friends unless they make a concerted effort to stick together. Some kids, despite being well liked and getting along with everyone, don't feel the need to stick with people and are happy to sit and eat lunch alone. Check that she plays with people at break. That's more important. As for the days out, go with what makes her happy.

pinkdelight · 18/09/2015 07:46

Your DD sounds very balanced and if she's happy at the clubs and not complaining of being lonely then I don't quite see what the problem is. You sound very involved in this - even warning her not that having best friends is a bad strategy seems like raising too much awareness of what is surely a natural process. She'll make friends, fall out with friends, have times alone, like most kids. Her reaction to the switching school dinners thing tells you she doesn't sit there pining to be with the others. And I've never heard of friendship days or so many group outings other than birthday parties. Really, I would relax about it if poss and just have individual kids over for playdates now and again. Save the worry for if she starts to have a problem with it.

gamerchick · 18/09/2015 07:52

Personally I think you need to back off a bit. The bairns going to end up with issues man If you keep going gung ho the way you are.

She'll find her own way, leave her alone.