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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if brother is taking the piss

27 replies

cjt110 · 17/09/2015 10:37

Backstory: My parents are my Mum and (step) Dad who have been together since I was 4. DB is 2 years younger than me so always been in my life as much as I remember. He's always been so laid back he's horizontal with his mum throwing money at him and any problem she comes across rather than addressing issues.

A few years back he got involved in a group who were much older than him and went down the wrong path shall we say. He came to stay with us and my parents helped him sort his issues out. He was maybe 18 at the time.

He's now 26. Gone down the wrong path again. Wanted to get away from the town where he lives. His mother suggested he ask could he stay with my parents. My parents agreed, as they have always said to both of us, it's our home if ever we need it.

He's been there 6 weeks now. Sleeping on the sofa as they only have 1 bedroom. Contributed £40 in that time whilst they feed him and pay all the bills. My mum (so his step mum) has said he can stay as long as he wants. She said my step dad (his dad) surprisingly was extremely hard on him and bollocked him about the whole situation.

I know its none of my business, it's their house and upto them who stays but I'm not sure they arent being taken for a bit of a ride as there is no indication as to when he will be going home. His (ex?) gf is saving up for a deposit for a house in another town so I assume thats when he will be going. My parents dont have a lot of money, my mum and dad arent in the best of health and he seems to be walking all over them. Take for example when we went round at 11am the other day. He was still fast asleep on the sofa in the lounge, so we had to go in the kitchen/garden.

ARGH! I just dont want my parents being mugged off!

OP posts:
ChristineDePisan · 17/09/2015 10:42

No, not your business. But I'd be asking him what his plans are, and I would say to my parents that they shouldn't be tiptoeing around the house at 11am

19lottie82 · 17/09/2015 11:45

So he's your step brother?

You keep calling them your parents, but they are equally his as well (one bio and one step)! Would you not expect them to help you out also, if you needed it?

Sorry but it's none of your business, and as you said it sounds like he will be moving in with his GF soon anyway.

Original poster
cjt110 · 17/09/2015 11:54

He's my step brother yes. I grew up with my parents, he didnt - he lived with his mum.

OP posts:
TwmSionCati · 17/09/2015 11:56

" I just dont want my parents being mugged off! "
well they are his parents as well, why are you talking about him like he is a random stranger?

Bananalanacake · 17/09/2015 11:58

Does he work or is he looking for a job, he should be paying them rent.

TwmSionCati · 17/09/2015 12:01

yes but who are we to say what a young man 'should' be doing.
FGS they are his parents and they are there to help him.
Maybe I should post about my 35 year old brother who has NEVER left home or attempted adult life. but you know I cannot be arsed. Maybe he is 'mugging my parents off' but hey he is their son and is doing it with their collusion!
Wouldnt I just sound jealous and whiny if I started complaining that they do too much for him?

Original poster
cjt110 · 17/09/2015 12:15

TwmSionCati Fair point re being his parents but they didnt bring him up. They brought me up,. He lives with his mum so I always refer to them as being my parents. As for your brother, woah nelly. I am not judging anyone elses situations. Just thinking about my parents who struggle at the best of times for money but are generous soft souls - He even gives them a specific shopping list of Coca Cola, Colmans mustard etc when he is contributing diddly squat (based on his £40 contribution £6.67 for each week he has been there).

Bananalanacake He did have a job. Not sure if he quit or was sacked but isnt working now. His hometown is 30ish miles away. He doesnt drive. Cannot live with my parents permenantly due to no space so he cant look for a job either there or his hometown (which he is wanting to move away from but to where, who knows). He has given them £40 over the last month when he sold a phone and then when his mum gave him some money.

OP posts:
BettyBi0 · 17/09/2015 13:05

If it's just a short term thing, in your position I'd try to just let them get on with it and try no to get emotionally involved. It gets trickier the longer it goes on. My own brother moved back in with my parents nearly 10 years ago when he decided to give up his job and "start his own business". Their support has basically enabled him to do whatever he wants and he hasn't earned any money or contributed since. In fact he has drifted further and further from any kind of functional independent life and they have enabled him to be a permanent teenager.

I understand why you feel protective towards both your parents. I feel like mine aren't really able to enjoy their own home and retirement because they are always changing what they do to fit in with my brother. Lifts, meals etc I wish they had booted him out years ago for his own good!

EponasWildDaughter · 17/09/2015 13:11

Have you spoken to him about it? As his step sister you are arguably in a better position to be blunt about some home truths without the same burden of guilt a parent might have about doing the same.

A parental role is not something you can easily switch off. Don't blame your parents for caring for him.

BarbarianMum · 17/09/2015 13:24

You say that like it lets them off the hook. Maybe his dad should have been a bit more of an active force in his upbringing? He should have been bringing him up!

Aqualady · 17/09/2015 13:25

is he depressed?

If he is not he is taking the piss. I wouldnt even allow my 20 year old dd to still be sleeping in the couch at 11am. ThT would seriously piss me off. Some people are takers and love sponging off others.

I'm not sure what you can do about it though. My brother lives with our DGM now and for the first few years (moved in when early twenties) he really took the piss. to the point I nearly dragged him out My uncle even had a word with him but it just upset my DGM. It's settled out a bit now and he works but still gets waited on hand and foot and my poor DGM is in her 80s.

I understand how you feel

Aqualady · 17/09/2015 13:27

barb he is a grown arse man. He should be getting his shit together like the rest of the world has too regardless how he lived with

Aqualady · 17/09/2015 13:28

op what does the wrong path mean?

BarbarianMum · 17/09/2015 13:30

Don't disagree with you there.

Original poster
cjt110 · 17/09/2015 13:35

Barb his mother took the choice to bring him up rather than have a shared role. He lived with his mother. Not us.

Aqua He doesnt seem depressed, however, I know depression isn't like a rash that you can see. He certainly hasn't said he is and seems his normal self. He seems to be just allowing them to mother/care for him, run around after and for him and acting like a child - he's 26 with a child. He seems to just let everyone else organise him, cook, clean etc for him. Like he is being a child.

wrong path - drugs, criminal offence (just 1 - not that it makes it any better!)

OP posts:
laureywilliams · 17/09/2015 13:35

Yes I think he's taking the piss.

I would think this if he was nephew, step son or 'full' son. He sounds like a taker.

I don't blame you for being pissed off. Not nice to see your parents being taken advantage of (by anyone).

However, they are adults, I suppose its their decision. I'm Shock that they tiptoe about at 11am because of him. I'd say so, in as nice a way a possible.

MrsJorahMormont · 17/09/2015 13:36

Yes your brother probably is taking the piss. Unfortunately unless your parents agree, he'll probably keep taking the piss.

I cannot bear seeing idle, feckless adults scrounging off family when they could be making their own lives but it's not up to me to dictate how they live. Suffice to say your parents aren't doing him any favours if they allow this to continue. And no way would I be going into the garden to allow a 26 year old to lie sleeping at 11am.

Original poster
cjt110 · 17/09/2015 13:41

I raised with my mum about him being asleep so late and she said "He said to just wake him if I want him to get up" I was cross at this because he should be getting his lazy arse up, regardless. He's in someone elses home which is being made to fit in with him, rather than him fit in to it.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 17/09/2015 13:42

I think your mum and step dad have made the decision to look after him for a bit, for their own reasons. Maybe they feel he needs some time with his Dad, time he missed when he was growing up.

Do you get on with him? It sound's like you don't (and I'm not making a judgement there - we don't have to get on with everyone), but perhaps you could try to be helpful. Maybe take him out for a drink or a walk and see what's up.

Aqualady · 17/09/2015 13:46

op what does you mother say ?

Original poster
cjt110 · 17/09/2015 13:58

Imbroglio I get on very well with him and he's always very honest with me. When he came up when he was younger after going down the wrong path, we went to the shop and he came right pout with why he had come up.

He rarely visits (in fact I cant remember the last time he paid a social visit) and usually only comes up if there's a problem, so I asked my mum is all was ok when he came up this time. She said she "thinks so and that he just needs break" and that she hadnt probed any further. When I had some alone time with my brother I said to him is all ok and he told me he had got "a habit" and needed to get away and when I mentioned to my mum what he had said, she confirmed it was drugs again.

OP posts:
TwmSionCati · 17/09/2015 14:03

" he told me he had got "a habit" and needed to get away "

oh dear your parents don't need that in their house. Does he owe money to dealers? Might he steal from the parents to feed his habit? Possibly you owe it to them to explain exactly what 'a habit' means if they don't already know.

Original poster
cjt110 · 17/09/2015 14:10

TwmSion They know exactly what he is involved with, as they did in the past and bailed him out before, stopping him getting his legs broken in the process

Sorry for the drip feed(?) but I didnt want to go into too much detail because tbh, I am ashamed in some ways what people might think and also wanted to try and remain as anonymous as possible. Perhaps though it explains my concern for my parents.

I love him to pieces and just wish he'd sort his life out but I doubt he ever will.

OP posts:
TwmSionCati · 17/09/2015 14:12

yes it does make your concern much clearer, so thank you for that.

I would worry that
a. he will steal from them
b. your parents will be dragged into some trouble like him not paying his dealer or similar.

Very very tricky OP...not sure what to advise really. Just be there for them when it all goes horribly wrong. Which it will.

Original poster
cjt110 · 17/09/2015 14:16

My mum even said "i'll come to your house at the weekend because it's easier" It shouldn't have to be easier!

OP posts:
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