Does bump envy reduce? Am I a jealous cow?

[GlitteringJasper]

I've two dc, a boy/girl, 2 and 9 months.

I was only ever going to have two, would have been perfectly happy and then I got pregnant when my baby was 5 months.

After initial horror, I became delighted and was ecstatic at the prospect of number 3. I can't really understand this but the thought of another baby to hold and cuddle and care for was amazing.

I'm not really a toddler person! I LOVE the baby stage, I love getting up through the night and cuddling the baby.

Anyway when we went for the 12 week scan we discovered the baby had died. I don't need to go into the trauma that followed and I've posted on here before about it.

Anyway my baby is now 9 months and I still get bump envy, I long for it to be me.

Thing is, two children suits our circuitstances perfectly. I love them dearly and financially three would be a stretch in every way.

I just want to be happy for people who are pregnant and live my life instead of longing and wishing it were me.

I'm 36 by the way.

How can I get over this?

I've had 3 miscarriages and no dc so I have felt bump envy very clearly. Bitterness and resentment more like it.

I'm afraid it never goes away, you do just learn to live with it.

I'm finally 20 weeks pregnant on attempt number 4 and I still struggle seeing pregnant women

I'm so sorry for your loss

Your miscarriage was 4 months ago, that is no time at all really. You're not being a jealous cow at all, it's grief, it's perfectly natural to feel upset seeing pregnant people after what you've been through.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sometimes (often) we need to just let ourselves feel stuff and not give ourselves a hard time. This is one of those times. You're not a jealous cow, and there's nothing horrible about your feelings. There's lots that's horrible about your experience and whatever you need to feel in response is ok.

I wish there was an easier way through but I just don't think there is.

I had a mmc with my first pregnancy. I'd already seen a heartbeat on an early scan and then boom. Baby had died. I was devastated. I now have a beautiful 10 month old, but I still feel resentful towards those lucky people who are oblivious to the pain of miscarriage and who just end up pregnant first go, with no issues!

I try and remind myself that you never really know anyone's journey and that the person we are is as a result of the things we've come through. It gets easier, give yourself some time to grieve.

Sorry you lost your baby . I long for a baby (dc3) and to plan ahead and be happy for a certain future. I am pregnant now but following mc/mmc I am filled with daily fear. I am envious of the younger me who fell pregnant so readily and never had problems (10 years ago).
I don't think it will ever go. The plans I made for those lost will never quite happen. I've lost the optimism that pregnancy seems to be about and I'm scared for me and every pregnant woman i see.
I love my children, I long to give my partner a child that is his. He loves my girls but he's not seen them from birth.
I think, from things my gran has started to relive with her dementia, it does stay with you. It's grief and loss. It has it's stages.

So sorry for your loss. I have been TTC for 2 years. For me I think it's more a case of bump inferiority rather that bump envy.. I have never said about this on here but a few months ago there was a bfp announcement and I broke my tablet by throwing it against the wall, and sat sobbing for hours, this was about a stranger, on the internet,. I thought the poster had mentioned it to rub salt in the wounds and to laugh at me. More or less to say. I'm pregnant and you're not. Yes that's ridiculous. She doesn't even know I exist. Other days though I'm asking to feel pregnant women tummies and making a fuss of them. Up days and down days I guess. I have my DD, though so I never forget how lucky I am to have her,

I had this after my miscarriage. It didn't help that my neighbour was heavily pregnant at the time and then a colleague announced her pregnancy. I felt very bitter and that life was unfair. its normal to feel like that and its still quite recent for you.

I also have 2 DC and had a MMC at 12 weeks two years ago [almost to the day of the scan where I discovered that there was no heartbeat ]

IME the bump envy does get better, less raw... but as PP said, it never entirely goes away either.

I find it hardest when I see a woman with two children and then a big pregnant bump. It makes me envious and angry, why does she get to have three children and I didn't?

I am now 42 and it looks very unlikely that I will ever have my third child. It makes me feel sad as I was so excited to be pregnant with DC3 at the age of 39 and felt that my family was now complete. I felt lucky that I had managed to conceive my last child just prior to turning 40 [the line I had drawn for myself regards being 'too old' to contemplate ttc]. My wish was granted [by God, the universe, fate, luck, whatever] but then was taken away. And I have not managed to conceive again between the ages of 40 and 42.

I understand how difficult it is OP. One of my NCT friends, whom I met when we were both pregnant with our first child, has just given birth to her third. She posts lovely photos of her happy family on facebook, cooing about how her family is now complete with two girls and one boy. I feel so jealous of her and it's so unfair.

However I try to keep a sense of perspective and remain grateful that I have my two children and remember that others are struggling to have their first and second child. Some days I feel more content about this than others... I am not sure I will ever get over my MMC and subsequent inability to conceive again but generally I am okay.

I don't think you should ever 'get over it' or all the other posters.

You are mourning for the loss of your child who wasn't given a chance to bloom and grow. Why should you ever get over it.

You learn to live with things and that's how you survive.

We lost our first baby at 9 weeks and 27 years later and 4 children now adults/teens I still wonder what he/she would have been.

However my comfort is we never really knew that child. She/he was a blank canvass. I am grateful that if I had to loose a child it was one I didn't know rather than the ones I do know and love and cherish now.

Sorry if that makes no sense. It does to me.

Unmumsnetty hugs op xxx

OP. Just to say I've been there and I understand.

I had a MC with my first pregnancy and I experienced extreme pregnancy/bump envy afterwards, I even fell out with a close friend as she was pregnant at the time. I remember hating what I perceived as her smug face (it wasn't). In my grieving state I was absurdly rude to her and she severed contact with us after that. I miss her tremendously.

It's been almost 3 years since my MC but I still cry about it sometimes. I went on to have a perfectly healthy baby afterwards. No bump envy now, probably because I don't want a 2nd baby. The only thing that stopped the bump envy feeling was getting pregnant again.

I wrote a letter to the baby I lost and planted a shrub in my garden. I like to sit by it sometimes - it helps.

I'm sorry for your loss

After years TTC I had IVF, after 7 rounds, tens of thousands £s and several operations I now have 2 wonderful children. BUT I still feel Im a woman who couldnt get pregnant, so yes I have bump envy (not baby envy strangely). It is less raw these days (maybe due to menopause my body knows it isnt realistic now).

Thanks so much for the replies here.

I'm so blessed to have two healthy children and many not so fortunate.

Good to get perspective though I'm sure I'll still feel sad from time to time

Totally normal OP. I lost a baby at 25 weeks and my Lord, it was like the entire world was pregnant. Everywhere I looked there was a bump! To have bump envy is part of the course of grieving when you lose an unborn baby. But also I think what's not really talked about is what women go through to have children in the first place. You see women with 2 kids and quite often they've had many miscarriages along the way. IVF of course is also very challenging. I have 3 kids out of 6 pregnancies and that's not that difficult by comparison to many of my friends. So I think bump envy stems from our own personal difficulties in our quest to have our wonderful children.
My 25 week loss would have been our third child. I was 39. I am now 43 and we have a nearly 16 month old, our last, precious child. I still get twinges of bump envy, more related to my age and knowing that the window is shut... the childbearing years are nearly past, if not completely for me. It really does fade though, that envy.
I think I am so knackered from our last one that this has all but entirely rid me of bump envy.
It will definitely calm down with time. Have you ever thought, as your kids get older, of working with infants? This is a wonderful outlet. There's a granny at our local pool who does a mother and infant baby class and it's beautiful. There are so many outlets for women who love infants and babies. You could give so much love to so many. And it would feel so great. In America, where I am from, they have 'cuddle' vounteers, mainly grannies again. I am not hinting your a granny! They just keep popping up in my post. These are women who come into the SCBU to cuddle/stroke/touch premature babies, babies on ventilators, etc. because often the parents can't be there all day every day. It's a beautiful idea. I wish it happened here.