To be feeling paranoid in my new job

[katedan]

i have just completed a 4 year degree and landed a job straight away which I was very pleased about. Prior to that I was at home for 10 years raising kids so this is my first full time paid job in a long time. Part of my degree involved unpaid placements every year. On all the placements within the first week I was in the toilet crying because I felt that other students knew more than me and were liked more than me. I struggled to make friends the way others did so quickly even though I was always nice and smiley in front of everyone and tried to be helpful etc. when I raised this with a friend I was on placement with she said I sometimes come across stand offish with people but I think it was shyness and lack of confidence on my part.bi passed all my placements but was always relieved to leave each one.

However I now have a paid job in a very busy team and I was looking forward to a fresh start but two weeks in and it is starting again. I started with two others graduates who were already known to all the team however they have been given cases, a laptop and a phone and I have not. I have asked nicely and one of the other new starters is trying to help me but I have not slept all night, feel very tearful and am starting to feel paranoid again that I am not good enough.

My dh just said not again when I tried to talk to him but I so want to settle in and be accepted.

So Abiu to not be able to settle into jobs?

It's up to your line manager to sort that, what is he or she doing?
And ask for some immediate feedback on your performance to hopefully reassure you

I know what you mean. I've been told I can come off as aloof, when actually I'm just shy.

I have huge envy of those who walk into a room and seem to just pick up friends effortlessly!

So... Advice! Right. The other two did their placement there, so effectively have already had a settling in period, whereas you are starting from scratch. You're bound to feel a bit like you're playing catch up. That's normal :)

With the laptop and the phone, have you spoken to IT or your manager? Can you try and get a time or date when that will be sorted? Stress that you want to get on with your job and feel a bit like you can't without your tools. Be cheerful but firm.

It could be that all the paperwork for the other two was already done before, whereas yours is sitting on someone's desk, and that's why you haven't got your things yet.

Most importantly, give yourself time to settle. It takes me ages to relax around people. One of my oldest and best friends worked alongside me for 6 months before we even realised we had anything in common (we are enormously similar). I've realised that people don't warm to me instantly, but when I start to relax and be the real me, then that does work.

You will settle in. It can take a year before you feel fully a part of the place, and not just the new person.

If you're still struggling with anxiety then counselling would be a really good idea too.

Good luck! I'm sure you're doing just fine :)

Sounds like a combination of a lack of confidence and 'impostor syndrome', common in achieving women. If you google that term, you'll see how common it is and just knowing that can loosen its grip slightly.

After having a family, lacking confidence is the next big thing holding women back in the workplace. Take the initiative and speak to your manager about the laptop rather than the new starter, take steps to find your confidence. Fake it until you make it so to speak.

Have faith in the people who interviewed you, you obviously did something right. Best of luck.

I have this too and I completely understand how crippling it is. I currently do a part time job and I feel it there all the time, and I realise that I make it worse as it feels so real to me, whereas I actually have no idea what other people think of me. I've had counselling in the past which has helped, would you consider giving that a try?

I'm a bit like this-find it hard to just chat and relax with new people. I was in a similar situation to you as well in that I began teaching at a school with two other NQTs who had done their teaching practices at the school so were familiar with everything when I wasn't and seemed to know everyone. They did-as they'd effectively worked there 6 months longer really!

Take the time to chat to people/one on one-say hi and smile. Take it one step at a time. You've only been at that workplace two weeks-give it your best shot :)

The laptop thing you need to sort with your line manager. The confidence and settling in: stop comparing yourself to other people who are more confident or who have been there longer, its a recipe for self esteem disaster.

If you feel you come off shy and aloof:
Always offer to make coffee for colleagues while you are making yours in the kitchen. (I'm making a drink, can i get you one)
If you see someone you dont know at the copier or in kitchen, smile and say something even if its just about the weather or something they are wearing ( I made two close friends doing this and i got a promotion out of complimenting someones dress: i didnt know her from adam, she recomended me for a job in her dept)!

Smile and say hello/goodbye to reception, they often have a wide social network round the building and it builds relationships with support staff
Ask people you sit with how their weekend was, how their meeting went, show interest

The more you wind yourself up the worse you will get. Take a deep breath and don't be so hard on yourself.

I have real sympathy for you as I feel like this everyday in my new job. I'm hoping it will get better but I'm absolutely crap with people I don't know very well and they have all worked together years....so feel like a massive fish out of water. No advice for you op, although I think the pp have given u some good stuff. Just to say you're not alone

Sazzle, great post :)

OP one person's opinion doesn't have to define you. Try not to pick and choose "evidence" that fits with your belief that you're not good enough.

They gave you the job, so you must be capable. What can you do to not let this old pattern keep repeating?

Thanks AliceScarlett. I have massive sympathy for OP as I have struggled with confidence for years. I am way better now, after I realised I am a natural observer : and you can learn by watching others. So I watched the confident people and did what they did as no-one taught me social skills growing up.