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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask when you would expect CM to stop?

48 replies

redgoat · 15/09/2015 22:27

SD turned 18 in June. DH paid CM until end August. SD is taking a year out and going to university next September.

(Of course there's a back story and more details but first I'd like to see what people think with the very bare bones of the question)

OP posts:

Noodledoodledoo · 15/09/2015 22:55

Ex hasn't suddenly stopped having costs associated with looking after your husbands daughter.

I think it is unfair to expect Ex or DSD to take over these costs, she is not yet a financially independent from either parent so DH should carry on supporting as is his Ex.

Is Ex asking for housekeeping whilst your DSD is working this year.

Noodledoodledoo · 15/09/2015 22:57

If they were still together I am sure your DH would still be financially supporting her through her year out.

Fatmomma99 · 15/09/2015 22:58

Another one who thought this was a thread about a childminder!

I'm 45 and I'm still subsidized (but just by my mum now, as my dad has died). I don't think you ever stop paying! (emotionally, as well as financially).

As with others, it depends on what she does with her gap year. If she's got any sort of job, this should affect what she pays in rent at her primary address and, therefore (as a knock on) what her DDad needs to pay for her. If he's lovely, he'll make her a present of that money in some form when she goes to uni.

Does it matter whether your OH or her mother controls the money? Surely the only thing that matters is that she doesn't piss it against a wall (I love that expression!). Or do you have more information?

BlackeyedSusan · 15/09/2015 23:04

I would say that the money now goes to the adult child directly, when needed. if she had gone straight to uni, then it would have gone towards the costs they assume that parents contribute.

dsd needs to pay her own way through her year out, contributing board to her mum. I presume that you will be providing part time board for free? ie weekends with you? (so also subsidising her living costs) Putting the money away in an account for uni is an excellent idea.

I can see it is a bit of a shock for her mum though. She needs to deal with the issue with dsd though. dsd should be supporting herself a lot too.

HerRoyalNotness · 15/09/2015 23:06

This is from cm options website

When does child maintenance stop being paid?
With a family-based arrangement, there are no set rules around when payments stop - it's between you and the other parent to agree.

If you have a statutory child maintenance arrangement, regular child maintenance payments must be made if a child is:

is under the age of 16;
is under the age of 20 and in full time non-advanced education or approved training, or:
is under the age of 20 and child benefit is being paid for them, and
is under the age of 20 and has never been married or been in a civil partnership
However, if child maintenance arrears have built up on a case, those arrears must still be paid, even if regular child maintenance payments have stopped.

If you have a court order for child maintenance, you must stick to the agreement set out in the court order.

I'd do what your DH is suggesting re saving it for her and yes under his control. The xW could use if for whatever she wants and when DD came to go to uni there pay be nothing to give her! I would perhaps keep paying the CM until the dD has actually started earning. After that her mother needs to ask her for housekeeping contribution directly.

Original poster

redgoat · 15/09/2015 23:11

Of course there is the history colouring my view. Ex has been so difficult over the years and this has had an effect on Dh's relationship with DSD. Makes me so cross when I read about all these dead-beat-dads and all he's ever tried to do was be there but been prevented by both of them. He's (and my children have) been treated appallingly at times.

She's been so disparaging about the amount of CM DH pays (it's always been in line with CSA guidelines - even when he was out of work, I paid it), she's a significantly higher earner than we are combined.

The money is ring-fenced for DSD but I resent being asked for it by the Ex when she doesn't need it. (And before any one jumps - I have been asked for it. Ex always sends money texts to both of us to make sure we get it!)

OP posts:

m1nniedriver · 15/09/2015 23:12

Noodle of course the mother still has costs resulted to her DD, she her mother . The DD is an earning adult. If the mother needs help she should ask her daughter to pay her (presuming dad is still helping out DD directly).

m1nniedriver · 15/09/2015 23:12

*related to DD

blaeberry · 15/09/2015 23:20

Given that teenagers rarely earn enough to pay a true reflection of their living costs I think it is only reasonable to stop paying CM to your ex as long as the daughter starts living with you and you bare all the additional costs of food, heat/hot water, living space, cloths, driving lessons/petrol etc. that won't be met by her 'housekeeping'. If she wants to do something other than spend the whole of her year out working a nmw job then her ability to realistic contribution to her costs will be even more reduced.

Weathergames · 15/09/2015 23:23

When he decides stop paying after 18th bday and end of yr 13 unless they leave and enter FTW.

m1nniedriver · 15/09/2015 23:28

if money is given directly to DD she and her mother can decide what's fair surely?

blaeberry · 15/09/2015 23:33

Her income and whether she 'needs' his maintenance is irrelevant. However, my last judgement was based your DH having a reasonably high income - i now think you need to consider whether you would continue to support one of your dc in a year out. If yes, then continue to pay cm, if your dc would have to start earning an income and cover their household cost, the don't.

sproketmx · 15/09/2015 23:37

Where I'm from you are an adult at 16 and really should be earning something yourself

Original poster

redgoat · 15/09/2015 23:42

Blaeberry, if it was my DC, then obviously they would always have a bed in my home but they'd either be studying or working. No bumming about allowed. And I'd take board off them relative to what they earn.

As I mentioned up thread, I think learning to be responsible is vital and I won't allow them to become 'entitled'.

OP posts:

DixieNormas · 15/09/2015 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AvaCrowder · 16/09/2015 00:53

Well as long as you do exactly the same for your dc when they are the same age. That's important. If you are prepared to make your dc stand on their feet and pay rent during gap years. It sounds mean to me, but if that is your philosophy.

Hamiltoes · 16/09/2015 01:50

I think it is only reasonable to stop paying CM to your ex as long as the daughter starts living with you and you bare all the additional costs of food, heat/hot water, living space, cloths, driving lessons/petrol etc

WTF!! She is 18? An adult? And since she has not decided to go to university and has chosen instead to get a job, why the hell should the father have to pay for her every whim? Driving lessons & petrol FFS!

OP I would definitely stop paying CM. The clue is in the name. And I'd be telling Ex if she needs the money, get it from her adult daughters wages. Sooo much entitlement here. And I wouldn't be contributing to halls or funding her lifestyle either unless you can both afford it for all kids. Don't students get part time jobs these days instead of sponging of mum and dad?

TheBunnyOfDoom · 16/09/2015 07:23

Kids don't automatically become free once they hit eighteen - you have a duty to them forever.

You need to treat DSD the same way you'll treat your own DC when they reach that age, and presumably you won't stop paying for them on their 18th birthday and expect them to fend for themselves?!

Your DH should still pay to support his (just) adult child. An 18 year old fresh out of college won't earn enough to move out or support herself independently. Whether that money goes directly to her or to her DM is down to your DH. I would probably give the money direct to DSD with the proviso that she pays her DM rent and a proportion of the bills/council tax/food.

bobbywash · 16/09/2015 07:32

Under my Order CM was payable until DD'd reached 18 or left full time education to 1st degree level which ever was the later excluding any gap year.

Once she was 18 it was payable directly to her.

AliceScarlett · 16/09/2015 09:21

I went with "cervical mucus", been hanging out in the conception forum too long.

herderofcats · 16/09/2015 09:34

Alice!

Anotherusername1 · 16/09/2015 09:47

If I had taken a year out my parents would have expected me to fund it myself and contribute towards board. I went to uni in the days when you got a full maintenance grant and fees paid, so I could live off my grant when I was at college. When I was at home, I was able to get a job for part of the time, and if I eg was earning £150 a week I gave my mum £20-30 a week towards my board. On another occasion I stayed with family friends for a two week work placement and they asked me for £20 ??rent?? from my £150odd a week earnings. They fed me, took me to the railway station and washed and ironed my clothes so it was a good deal!

I don??t think that should really change just because the parents don??t live together anymore. If DSD wants to take a year out she should fund it herself and pay her mother some board (if her mother asks her to). But there??s no reason for your DH to contribute towards a year out unless she is doing something like a language course and he wants to pay for it or something similar. That said, if she is going to stay at home, it probably isn??t fair for all the costs to fall on her mother, so maybe say that you give the mother half the current amount saying DSD should earn and contribute towards the household, and the other half goes into a savings account for university. Then it??s up to her mother to ensure that she pays her way.

Clutterbugsmum · 16/09/2015 10:19

I think what your DH has suggest is the fair.

His DD is working and not in education so CM would stop anyway.

The fact that your DH wants to save the CM he would have paid to her mum is a bonus for their DD and will help her once she goes to university next year. Which lets face it, it expensive to go to university and help should be given.

Ex has said that as she's still supporting DSD (as she's still living at home) why can't DD pay her mum housekeeping from her wages.

That she'd like him to pay CM to her for a few more months (until Ex moves in with her boyfriend) So she expects your DH to support her until she in with her boyfriend. How about she supports herself. Is your DH, DD going to live with her mum and her boyfriend because it doesn't read as if his DD will be living with her mum.

Then put it into an account in DSDs name that she will monitor. Their DD is 18 she is old enough to look after her own accounts, her mum does not need to access/monitor it at any time. It sounds like your DH ex just wants to have continued access to your DH money.

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