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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think/ worry friend is being taken for a ridiculous ride...

18 replies

ArcUp · 15/09/2015 20:11

Friend quite recently separated from DH after 20 years. Her ex-DH was unfaithful and quite frankly an emotionally abusive arse. We were all happy when this relationship came to head when his latest infidelity was found out and she walked....
She then started a new relationship whilst still quite vulnerable imo. At first he seemed totally perfect, charming, kind, adored her etc, then the story began to unfold. He is married though apparently separated whilst living in same house as his wife. He has two teenage children and cannot leave because wife has cancer. Apparently he and his wife are happy with this arrangement and both have different partners outside the marriage. He lives 100 miles away and as far as I can tell everything is on his terms, he sees friend when suits him, she never goes to him, and has not met his children. He has met hers. Whenever she pushes for more or commitment he says he can't upset his children whilst wife has cancer - apparently this is the same wife who has met multiple other partners, dates regularly and happy with arrangement; whilst battling aggressive cancer. When away with her for a few days he took phone calls telling people he is 'on business'. He is wonderfully charming with all her friends but refuses to friend any of us on facebook or her for the matter. He talks of a future, marriage etc, but scarpers whenever she needs real support.
Thing is he is so believable... even when I've met him, he spins his tales and as outrageous as they seem, he comes across as completely credible and so confident in what he says. I found myself feeling really sorry for him, trying to hold his family together whilst his wife battles cancer and he is left feeling trapped in his marriage but they have both accepted marriage is over and see other people. Its only when you write it out as above that it seems a bit ridiculous and I don't believe it. Friend doesn't like to challenge it as he gets all defensive and says doesn't she believe the wife has cancer, etc. Maybe she does, I don't know, but I bloody well don't believe they are all happy or aware of this arrangement, I think she should run for the hills ... any views?

OP posts:

morecoffeethanhuman · 15/09/2015 20:14

My bet is ur friend is an unaware OW

Londonista123 · 15/09/2015 20:15

Given his slippery behaviour, I'd be very surprised if his wife was aware of this "arrangement".

Theycallmemellowjello · 15/09/2015 20:17

Ugh tough one. Would it be possible to communicate doubts gently to your friend without pushing her away? I think just making sure she knows you're there for her is important too.

Flossish · 15/09/2015 20:24

You're right. Don't know what you can do though.

Fatmomma99 · 15/09/2015 20:26

I would guess she wouldn't thank you for these views at the moment, though.

So I would say nothing and be ready to be there for her if needed.

wowfudge · 15/09/2015 20:29

You're not wrong - he's a liar having an affair with your friend. When he's had his fun his wife will suffer a serious deterioration in her condition which will mean he can't see your friend because his family will need him. She doesn't have cancer I'm guessing given his 'don't you believe she has cancer' line.

Can you talk to your friend without her shooting the messenger? Were you able to tell her what you thought of her husband before she left him? Does she have doubts herself? Sounds as though she does.

Original poster

ArcUp · 15/09/2015 20:34

I think she does have her doubts and yes had an open discussion about husband and left it as 'shared my views' and will support whatever you decide. That was two years before split and she talked openly about her worries throughout. She has suggested concerns but more in terms of where they are going rather than not believing him.

OP posts:

wowfudge · 15/09/2015 20:49

Hmm - perhaps she should ask him what he thinks the timeline could be for them? I note he's told her aggressive cancer. Has he said or suggested it's terminal?

PHANTOMnamechanger · 15/09/2015 21:21

big alarm bells ringing here, but be prepared to be the messenger who gets shot!

years ago we had an inkling about the partner of a family friend being not quite right .....in this instance they were 'engaged' (had been for 3 years), yet she was never allowed to meet him from work or phone him at work, had never spent a Christmas day with him/his family. Only when he owed her father a considerable sum of money did his cover get blown. The father went to where he said he worked (a bank) to see him, to find they had no member of staff of that name.....trawling his surname in the phonebook and phoning them all asking for 'X surname', they managed to find his grandma who unwittingly gave them his number and address.....when they went, he had a whole other family, wife, 3 kids, a totally different job to what he had said....wife totally oblivious to his 'other life' with a 'fiance' in the neighbouring town. YEARS this had been going on!

I would bet this is a bog standard affair, your friend is being used and there is no ill wife at home, just one who does not know her DH is cheating on her.

Original poster

ArcUp · 15/09/2015 21:21

As far as I know he hasn't said a timeline, or indeed what sort of cancer it is!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2015 21:24

I imagine his wife would be very distressed to learn she has cancer and shocked to hear she has an open marriage!

lylasmam2012 · 15/09/2015 21:48

I dated a guy like this when I was 19-22, he told me his wife was suicidal so he couldn't leave, even showed me suicide notes. Complete and utter bullshit of course but I was too young and stupid to realise!

TRexingInAsda · 16/09/2015 00:31

She should tell him she wants to speak to the wife to confirm the arrangement. If I was the wife in the situation he describes, I would expect a phonecall. Obviously it's bollocks and he won't let her speak to the wife, but asking and it being blocked for some shit excuse reason might help her realise she's being taken for a fool.

MistressDeeCee · 17/09/2015 02:00

Im always torn on these situations..on the 1 hand he is a pig for using her but on the other hand I flatly refuse to believe the OW in a scam so glaringly obvious, isnt fully aware of the situation and is just waiting and hoping for him to leave his wife.Great big dramatic story. Its ludicrous.

He's met her DCs but she hasnt met his? Surprise surprise. She never will meet them either...nor his friends, siblings, parents etc

A man is not your man if you've never seen the colour of his front door much less entered his home. Period. Thats the very least of it. If your friend wants to love a man more than she loves and respects herself then thats her choice. The most you can do is to pick up the pieces when it all ends in crisis "my wife's taken a turn for the worse I have to be with her 24/7 " or some such, when he's fed up with your friend or he feels she is near to pushing for commitment and seeing more of his life.

I feel sorry for his wife tho, she has a shit of a husband

Thistledew · 17/09/2015 02:16

Maybe your friend does know, whether she has fully admitted it to herself or not, that she is the OW, but she is enjoying some sort of ego boost to help her get over her ex's infidelities? Sort of "I too am attractive enough to tempt a man away from his wife. I'm not just someone to be cheated on."

squidzin · 17/09/2015 03:31

The best advice above was absolutely for your friend to politely confirm with the wife that the marriage is open, if he point blank refuses to allow this confirmation, your friend will have her answer.
Of course your friend might not feel the need to do that. Complicated.

coveredinsnot · 17/09/2015 04:29

Can't see there being much truth to what he's saying, unfortunately. Especially given that he's so convincing, yet his actions say something quite opposite. Hint of the pathological liar about this man, it seems! Unfortunately I have a friend in a similar ish situation, I've tried telling her repeatedly but she chooses not to listen because she doesn't want to hear it and is sucked in by the lies. We're still bloody good friends though! I'd say you have to discuss your concerns with her, there's probably part of her that's suspecting something.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 07:01

I think your friend is wilfully deceiving herself

No woman in her right mind believes all that crap

Leave her to it, there is nothing you can do. If she wants to waste her time on This Charming Man, that is her lookout. You've said your piece, I would simply refuse to discuss it again.

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