Stopping my mother from seeing my son

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Without going into huge detail (it would take forever), how can I go about explaining to my 4 year old that he won't be seeing his Granny again? I have tried, for years, to make my relationship work with my mother. She is incredibly difficult and was abusive when I was a child. She can sulk for weeks and months over the smallest argument, never apologises and is controlling. However, she adores my son and is amazing with him, but I'm sure that she and I would have parted years ago if it wasn't for him. Perhaps I can arrange for them to see each other without me being there, but I struggle with that concept. This sounds drastic, but I told myself that another row with my mother followed by her sulking and failure to apologise would be the end of it. It's toxic and exhausting. My husband has had enough too.

Maybe keep him busy with other things so he doesn't realise he isn't seeing grandma would be easier at this age?

When he gets a bit older, he might want to visit on his own?

Yes I fully expect that. I may try to organise visits for him around Christmas.

Honestly if she was abusive to you when you were little the last thing you want to do is send him on his own. I think that with a known abuser there has to be supervised contact (ie by you or your dh or another family member you trust 100%) or none.

When I say abusive, I mean hitting regularly as a punishment, and a violent temper. She was emotionally controlling, read my letters and never expressed love. She is damaged.

In that case, I do think you or your dh needs to remain with your son at all times if he goes to her.

Then don't put her in a position to damage your child.

Does it make any sense when I say I don't think she would lay a finger on him? She is so different with him than she was with me. Like she sees him as her second chance in some ways. I'm beyond caring about my relationship with her. It's been 40 years of hit and cold and sulking and shouting. But I don't want to hurt my son.

It makes sense but I think you need to remember that she is hurting him by treating you badly.

And, to answer your question, as difficult as it may be I think you have to be completely honest. Otherwise, your DS will think it's something he's done.

Do you want him to have a relationship with her? It will get more difficult as he gets older to explain why you have no contact and she would possibly start dripping suggestions of you being at fault.
If you really want him to continue to see her, what about your DH taking your son to meet her at a soft play or park?

I think DH would be really uncomfortable with that to be honest. He doesn't handle her very well.

Remember that your DS is only 4. She might be nice to him now but how about when he's old enough to disagree with her and he has his own ideas about what he wants to do?

I think that abusive people can be charming to get their way so I wouldn't assume that she would never hurt him. I think that unfortunately you have to weigh up the damage contact does to you against the benefits it has or may have for your son. I don't think only ds having a relationship with her is a good idea in the circumstances. I agree that the situation may need to be handled carefully to ensure ds does not feel he has done something wrong. But maybe telling him she had to go live far away would be a possibility (and would leave her able to send birthday cards etc). It is hard though.

God I suddenly feel the need to defend her again, as I have done for years. She has never been able to control her temper. I even moved out at 16 after she really whacked me. But I believe she knows she was wrong but can't bring herself to talk about it. She treat DS like her own she loves him so much and I think she believes she is starting all over again. But we have already endured 4 or 5 rows where she will sulk then pop back into our lives several weeks or months later as if nothing has happened. Avoids her having to apologise after time goes by. It's complicated and she isn't a bad person, she is selfish and childish, has few friends and is unhappy inside I believe. I know this will break her so perhaps I should give her an ultimatum. But, she is too old to change.

I'd be really careful about putting your well-intentioned wish for your DS to have a relationship with his GM before his welfare. I say this because my aunt is an emotional abuser who has enormously damaged her own daughter. Now her stepdaughter, who has two sons, is finding that their relationship with their (step)gran is suddenly not all roses anymore because they are no longer cute squidgy little boys but people with their own ideas and opinions. It started with my aunt comparing the older DS to the younger, to the older one's disadvantage ('he's so rough, he's so loud, (younger DS) is so cute and adorable'. Now younger DS is getting older and the cracks are starting to show.

Your DS is not your mother's second chance at parenting. She is not allowed to see it that way. You cannot trust her with him, I'm sorry to say.

You sound very stressed by this situation - you are obviously feeling pulled in two directions by your feelings for your mother. On the one hand, she is causing you exhausting emotional turmoil but, on the other, you fear and feel unable to reject her completely. That is how it is with mothers - they are totally central to your life but so often very imperfect and capable of creating massive damage.

I think you need to steer a middle course here, OP - so you do not damage yourself either way. The answer is to detach yourself emotionally from your mother - slowly - and gain the confidence to see her as a completely separate person from yourself. You have to see yourself as her equal - that way, her "sulks" and emotional blackmail will lose their power over you. As you do this, I think you will feel fine about letting your son see her and build a separate, good relationship with her.

As for her abusing your son, I agree with you that this is very unlikely. Being a grandparent is a totally different role from being a parent and many people who were very imperfect parents make wonderful grandparents as the day-to-day stress and responsibility simply isn't there, allowing them to express the kind and affectionate side of their personality. A lot of abuse springs from overwhelming stress and your mother obviously found parenting very stressful.

My advice is to steer a middle course and build yourself up, confidence-wise. Allow your son and mother to form a relationship but keep your mother at an emotional distance from yourself. The danger posed from your mother is not to your son, but to you.

Very true BetterCS. Your advice seems to fit. I am stressed after years of recurring behaviour. I agree that I need to create some distance. A get together in a group every 3 months might be the way forward. That will be a wake up call in itself when she realises I'm getting on with life.

She treat DS like her own

You are her own and she treated you like shit. Your son is young enough to excuse most of his behaviour through indulgent grandparenting, but what about when he is old enough to disagree with her about something, upset her, annoy her or incur her wrath some other way? You can't let him have a relationship with her unless you are able to be involved enough to spot the warning signs, so if you want to facilitate a relationship then I agree that group meetings which allow you to limit your own exposure to her toxicity.