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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex accusing me of double standards

8 replies

HeisInfuriating · 15/09/2015 14:10

I NC for obvious reasons

Stbxh is taking it out on me because our DD 8 doesn't want to go to stay over on Wed.

He has DC EOW for last two years.

I have been 'managing' DD to go on his weekend, at times she hasn't wanted to but I have cajoled and encouraged because I think it's important. Stbxh spends most of the weekend texting me how upset she is and that I need to come and get her. I have replied he should bring her to me then (I've been at parents or friends or boyfriends up to 70 miles away) (three times this has happened now). And he doesn't. And he shuts up.

He's moved (with OW) to a bigger place, has got the DC their own room. He cancelled their EOW when he moved, didn't even make an hour to see them (lives 3 miles away). He never calls them. They go a fortnight with no contact.

Now he is being Martyr dad and wants them overnight on Weds. This is the first one but DD said she doesn't want to go. I haven't pushed or questioned. She has cried at school every day last week, is unsettled right now and a bit fragile.

He sent me a shitty email accusing me of double standards that on his weekends, I don't put her needs first because 'I was going away and had plans'.

He is infuriating as he can't see that when it is HIS weekend, he needs to fully parent. When he decides he wants to be martyr dad, and change the routine, then the kids get a say. Oh and just to really get my craw, he can't do next Wed.

OP posts:
CruCru · 15/09/2015 14:23

He sounds a dickhead.

Original poster
HeisInfuriating · 15/09/2015 14:24

He is. Completely. I need some suitable tell him to fuck off phrases without actually saying fuck off

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 15/09/2015 14:25

So on the plus side he

  • wants contact with the DCs, including a new midweek contact
  • has bought a house with a room for them to facilitate contact
  • he wants the DC to be happy whilst there

but on the minus side he

  • gives up when he is in charge but the DC are unhappy, and then tries to shift responsibility for this unhappiness onto you not taking over from him.
  • doesn't do contact outside 'his' hours, so no continuity
and
  • DC don't actually like being there

Currently he is unhappy because he feels that you are ?resisting the Wednesday contact ?telling him that he is a bad parent whilst not parenting during his weekends at all ?

The kids 'getting a say' in changing the routine doesn't seem like the issue, or that he is especially 'martyr dad' - is it more that you are frustrated by the whole situation of shared parenting?

Original poster
HeisInfuriating · 15/09/2015 14:35

Thanks BestZebbie
I do need a wider view to help me out the infuriating fog
Agreed, excellent he wants more contact etc

And yes he gives up and blames me when they are unhappy (I must be saying something to them to make them unhappy with him)

He shows no interest in them outside his hours, not their welfare or activities. I get a very rare email asking how they are, less than 10 in two years.

I'm pissed off he yells double standards at me. I don't care what you call me, can we please talk about the children.

Shared parenting would be nice... I don't think I have it.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 17/09/2015 02:07

Idiot.

Your poor DD - he's not interested or invested in her, all he is interested in is point-scoring with you. Wonder what his partner thinks? In her shoes Id be livid that he clearly has an over-interest in goading his ex..a love/hate thing definetely.

He's a pest

Youll have to find a way to sort it out one way or another or he'll be moaning and complaining and goading you forever - I suspect he talks bad about you when DD visits and its upsetting her greatly.

I dont think you should send her anymore she doesnt need the stress

Sighing · 17/09/2015 05:35

Oh god there's another one like my ex. He accused me of 'using his contact time for a social life and no other motivation, not mothering enough'. (Because apparently organising a social life around childcare was a bad thing!). They want it both ways. They want children that enjoy their sporadic company and to be able to drop them onto someone else at the slightest dent in their idea of how it should be.

Parenting takes work and effort to maintain a relationship (you know this). It took my ex until this year to understand that (7years he left and he certainly didn't get that when he lived with us). I don't know what to suggest as i've no idea what changed him (though his latest girlfriend is very level headed and does obviously try to build a relationship with the girls gently).
You have my sympathies and hope that this whiny arse (because he is whining rather than getting stuck in) sees the light.

LineyReborn · 17/09/2015 06:33

'Please stop projecting your own hypocrisy issues onto me. I will not accept any further insults from you. Please only communicate about arrangements for the DC in future. Thank you.'

Original poster
HeisInfuriating · 17/09/2015 17:38

Perfect Liney
Sorry thread had gone quiet so I only just caught up.
I think he has said something stupid to her, not directly horrible but along lines of Mummy isn't our family anymore (as in the new household).

She cried again this morning going to school Sad

OP posts:
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