To feel sad about life

[MrsBB1982]

I love my family but life is incredibly hard. I feel fed up but I'm not sure if I'm being self centred

I have a DS 4 and DD 1 and have been happily married for years. The last year has been really hard on me. I felt my husband and I were drifting apart but he's recently been diagnosed with depression. He's on meds and getting therapy but it's early days and I haven't seen much improvement yet with me. He's much better with the kids.

I feel like everything is falling to me to sort out at home. I know my DH is ill but it's making him very focused on himself.

My main reason for feeling fed up is that I feel like everything is more important than me - kids, school, work, housework, money, DH. I don't get any time for myself and even if I did I don't know what I would do with it. Everyone else's needs seem more important than mine. I don't think my DH can actually see how hard I find this all. I feel lonely as the close relationship we had seems to have disappeared. He would have been the person I talked to about stuff but I don't feel he's in a place to hear it so j don't want to burden him.

I'm hoping things will improve but I'm not sure I can manage like this for much longer

Yanbu.
I could have written much of your post myself. I wish i had answers

that sounds so hard , I have no answers either, but lots of sympathy

Depression sucks. I hadn't realised before how it affects everyone around them.

In the short to medium term, you need to prioritise yourself, and not expect DH to automatically consider you the way he did in the past, and will, I hope, again in the future when he's recovered.

It doesn't matter that your DH can't currently see how hard things are for you - you don't need his endorsement of how difficult things are. But, as the non-ill person, it's your responsibility to prioritise your own mental health and happiness, even if it feels like one more chore! You say he's already better with the children. Go with that and factor in regular time for you to do enjoyable things alone or with friends. And he needs (and the children, if old enough) to assume certain household tasks/homework supervision. It will be good for him.

Best wishes. Hopefully, your DH will recover well, and your marriage will be happy again, but you need to focus on you now.

There is an utter selfishness about the depressed. I remember a friend who was having it away with a lover and confided in me. His wife found out and they were trying to make it work. So stressed was this poor diddums man that he took to his bed for 3 mnoths with depression whilst deciding whether to stay with wife and children or lover. Guess who had to nurse him and mind the children - the poor wife. Eventually they did spilt up and he married the lover and had more children but I never thought it was as simple as poor man he has depression. Some of us just have to carry on because otherwise our children would be in care.

My chidlren's father would not accept he was depressed, nor get help and we divorced and every day has been like Christmas since as he is not around.

JanetBlyton I would disagree that my husband falls in this category. He's not intentionally being selfish. We've been together since we were 18 and it's totally out of character he's current behaviour. If I thought he was a selfish twat using depression as an excuse for something it would be a different story. We've had a lot of bad things happen recently and it's just got on top of him. When we took our wedding vows we meant them and I'm here to support him though this. It's just I'm finding it hard to deal with.

Thanks for the advice ruffwearer. He's starting to take the kids out to the park again which is progress. Although j find myself doing housework in that time

Do a bit of housework if it helps but please take some time for yourself.
Spend an hr a day just for yourself. It's important that you get to relax and rest physically and emtionally.

I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago, and was in a very bleak and dark place for probably almost a year following some quite intense workplace bullying. Despite feeling like laying in bed all day, indulging, languishing and generally feeling sorry for myself, I actually had to get up and crack on because dh wouldn't entertain it. It didn't feel like it was helping at the time, but along with medication, I am fairly sure that the 'carrying on as normal' (going to work, caring for ds, housework etc) helped me get through things much quicker. Sending lots of positive vibes to you for getting though this, it can't be easy.