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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU? Baby Change Room Etiquette

61 replies

HappyIdiot · 14/09/2015 09:43

I honestly don't know if I was unreasonable in this situation, happy to be told I was.

I was at a motorway service station yesterday on a very long road journey with my family. I took DD (13mo) to the baby change room. There was a couple already waiting outside. I got talking to the woman while I was waiting, she had 19mo twins with her. She said that they had already been queuing for 15-20 minutes, which I was a bit surprised by.

While we were waiting, another 2 families joined the queue, with toddlers a similar age to DD, plus 1 older sibling. So, a total of 6 babies/children waiting plus various adults.

after waiting somewhere around 5 minutes, maybe a bit longer. I knocked on the door and said "sorry, but there's a bit of a queue out here" to which I got no response. After a couple more minutes, the door opened and out came a couple with a very young baby, maybe about 6 weeks-ish?

The woman looked a bit upset and flustered and said "sorry, I had to feed her" and then left. I know how hard it can be to get feeding going in the early days, especially in public and I feel bad if I've upset her. But also, I had a very pooey, grumpy DD who needed changing.

For info, there were no other changing facilities in the other toilets, and the change room was one of those that doesn't have a toilet, just a changing station, a sink, nappy bins and a chair for feeding.

So, WIBU for hurrying her along and potentially upsetting a new mum or was it ok for me to have knocked, bearing in mind I didn't know who was in there or why they were taking so long?

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 14/09/2015 10:26

I don't know, I have a 1 year old who is still breastfed and I sympathise. I would have fed her in the cafe, but I can competely understand why with a 6 week old she'd want to feed in the changing room. You get all sorts of people from different backgrounds at service stations and I have felt nervous beast feeding in the past in similar places just in case someone said something (no one has ever said anything but with the hormones I was more sensitive).

Some of the baby changing rooms in services have chairs in the corner, I assume they're for breastfeeding?

Original poster

HappyIdiot · 14/09/2015 10:30

thanks for the comments

It's true I could have changed DD in the car, I often do. But the car was absolutely packed to the roof with DD's assorted crap holiday stuff and I didn't fancy wrestling with a pooey toddler on the driver's seat, which was basically the only flat space left!

I think I just felt bad because, like others have said, if she felt like she had to feed in a stinky room, she may not be very confident/comfortable yet and I thought I had made it worse.

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/09/2015 10:30

Poor woman. Horrible place to feed, even the family rooms at John Lewis stink of nappy. Bleuch

You weren't at all unreasonable but I can appreciate why you might feel awkward knowing that she was probably sitting in there feeling rushed and stressed. Wrong place to do it though and you aren't at fault.

Lightbulbon · 14/09/2015 10:36

The room had a breastfeeding chair in it so it was appropriate for her to be using it for breastfeeding, even if that took over half an hour, as it can do for 6 week olds.

I'd have changed a toddler in a car rather than waiting that long.

I can see why she didn't want to feed in her car/or in the cafe.

Not all bf babies are easy to feed out and about.

My first 2 were discreet feeders who I did feed in public.

Dc3 is a different ball game and is a messy, awkward feeder who I can't feed discreetly.

So if I go on the motorway with him I'll be that woman stuck in that stinky room.

StrawberryLeaf · 14/09/2015 10:39

I feel really sorry for the woman if she was having to sit in one of those gross changing rooms.

With my last dd I had to express at every feed, I used a changing room in M&S once to express while we were out when my baby was barely 4 weeks old.

The room was gross, but worse was the looks I got from the women in the queue, I think I'd been about 10 minutes.

We need more feeding rooms, in my nearest city I can only think of one room where the changing section is separate from the feeding area.

I'm currently breastfeeding my 12 week old and much more confident but in the early weeks I was so nervous and baby was hard to latch.

Saying that yanbu in knocking to make sure all was ok but I do feel for the woman.

yumyumpoppycat · 14/09/2015 11:16

Poor woman I didn't even like using changing rooms for changing mine never mind bf! We defo need more feeding rooms, I was really disappointed when our local m&s closed their family room, but at the same time, it might make it more stigmatized for women to breastfeed in cafes etc. I saw a cornered off area for breastfeeding in the cafe at ikea and thought ooh great but the space looked tiny in comparison to the space for tables so tricky if someone wants to eat with their older children while bf etc, or for more than one mum to bf etc.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/09/2015 11:24

Honey I'm not going to go back and c + p, there are comments which, imo, lack compassion.

We're assuming bf because OP said 'breastfeeding' and because it's hard to fathom that someone would actively choose to sit in a stinky change room and bottle feed.

But again OP, you weren't to know and you shouldn't feel bad about knocking.

bringthenoise · 14/09/2015 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HappyIdiot · 14/09/2015 11:31

We're assuming bf because OP said 'breastfeeding' and because it's hard to fathom that someone would actively choose to sit in a stinky change room and bottle feed.

TBH I have only assumed she was BF too. I don't know for sure, but I just thought she was because why would you go in there just to FF.

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 14/09/2015 11:36

You weren't unreasonable knocking. I can sympathise with the mum and feeding baby. That was me with ds1 as dh hated me feeding where anyone might see me in the early days (then I stopped giving a toss).

coconutpie · 14/09/2015 12:24

I feel sorry for her that she had to feed in there - gross. Perhaps it hadn't occurred to her to feed the baby in the car?

sandylion · 14/09/2015 13:44

She's a brand new mum, if the seat was in there to double up as a breastfeeding room she probably had no idea of the queue building outside.

Breastfeeding is totally shit for a lot of new mums (myself included, didn't manage with DD but trying really hard with 5 week old DS!) I don't want to feed in public at the moment. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me.

Nanny0gg · 14/09/2015 14:21

Just goes to show that facilities for babies haven't really improved since I had my children over 30 years ago.

IamlovedbyG · 14/09/2015 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

leedy · 14/09/2015 14:35

"If there are feeding facilities in the room as well as baby change then she can take as long as she likes."

It's a really poorly-thought-out arrangement if there are no other changing facilities, though - as PP have said, feeding a tiny baby can take a long time, while a nappy change can be in and out in a couple of minutes, so you end up with a queue of stinky, fractious children and equally fractious parents outside. And yes, people can change nappies elsewhere too but it frequently involves, eg, having to put your child down (and indeed kneel down yourself) on a grungy toilet floor, or on the ground somewhere, then find somewhere to dispose of the nappy. It's like having the feeding facilities in the only working toilet.

That said, I occasionally used one feeding-cum-changing-room in a department store near me when both DS were small , not because I minded feeding in public but because it had a really comfortable chair, was impressively not smelly, and meant I didn't have to buy a coffee to sit in a cafe. I always left the door unlocked though and didn't mind people coming in to change nappies while I fed DS.

leedy · 14/09/2015 14:36

Also, Iamloved, she wanted to change her baby, not feed the baby. There are obviously plenty of places to feed a baby, less so places you particularly want to deal with human excrement.

selly24 · 14/09/2015 14:39

Why the flip flop don't places provide a well ventilated warm room with a chair, digital radio and magazines for bf mothers? Having to feed in a nappy change room is totally grim! It should be law to have 2 of the above plus 2 nappy change / large family loos in every shop/ cafe/ place of interest!

leedy · 14/09/2015 14:46

"Why the flip flop don't places provide a well ventilated warm room with a chair, digital radio and magazines for bf mothers?"

I know a couple of shopping centres that do that (FF mums welcome too) and yeah, it's great. As I said above I didn't mind feeding in public but it was nice to find a comfy chair to feed in without having to buy something in a cafe. Also I know a lot of babies (FF and BF) get very nosy at certain ages and are terrible at actually feeding when out and about because there are So! Many! Exciting! Things!, so a quiet room was very useful.

That said, it wouldn't be remotely practical to demand to have a baby feeding room everywhere that has toilets - the ones I've used have been for entire large shopping centres, not single cafes or shops.

BrieAndChilli · 14/09/2015 14:51

I would have fed in the car or have fed in a changing room but left it open so other people could come in and use the changing bit.
I remember going for a pub lunch when ds1 was a couple of months old and taking a huge cloak/shawl thing to feed under!! By my 3rd I was whipping them Out on park benches not caring! Well not whipping them out as such, being a bit discreet about it!

ShadowLine · 14/09/2015 14:53

I really do think that if a feeding room is doubled up with a changing room, then there should be at least one fold down changing table elsewhere.

Perhaps this is a sweeping generalization, but in my experience, places big enough to have a feeding room are generally big enough to have space for at least one extra fold down changing table elsewhere in the toilet area. Certainly a typical motorway service station is certainly large enough for there to be a fold down changing table in the main toilets.

leedy · 14/09/2015 14:59

"I really do think that if a feeding room is doubled up with a changing room, then there should be at least one fold down changing table elsewhere. "

Definitely agree.

Minicaters · 14/09/2015 15:03

I think you were reasonable to ask, but I've asked to use changing cubicles in M&S for feeding and been directed to the stinky nappy changing room instead, so I wouldn't judge anyone for feeling that was where they "ought" to feed. Especially in such early days.

I'm surprised so many families were prepared to wait for the room though. I'd have gone elsewhere to change or feed if there was a queue.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/09/2015 15:04

I always changed them on a changing mat on the front seat of the car, unless the depths of winter, though I have sometimes been desperate and managed to do that sitting in the car leaning over the handbrake.

Original poster

HappyIdiot · 14/09/2015 15:09

I really do think that if a feeding room is doubled up with a changing room, then there should be at least one fold down changing table elsewhere.

I actually went to look afterwards and I couldn't see one anywhere in the main toilets. it was quite an old style services and a bit run-down so maybe they are planning a revamp and haven't bothered doing anything yet?

OP posts:

KitingOverThePains · 14/09/2015 15:45

Yanbu for knocking but I feel sorry for her. I remember how nervous I was breastfeeding in public to start. I actually remember doing it at a service station sitting in the car feeling terrified everytime somebody walked past that they were going to knock on the car door and tell me I had to stop! I know that sounds a bit ott but I get very anxious sometimes. (In case anyone is wondering, I'm still breastfeeding my 14 month old and am not so nervous about it!)

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