I know AIBU but I don't know why - help!!

[eminthebigsmoke]

My mum died 16 months ago. She found out she had cancer 5 years before passing away and was in good health for most of that time, going downhill badly only 4 months beforehand. My parents did loads of stuff in that time, lots of holidays and time with the grandkids etc.

My dad is in his mid sixties and has started dating a 30-year-old woman who knew both of them while mum was alive.

In principle I want him to be happy, am glad that he has found someone to share interests with, and feel relieved that he isn't alone. In practice I am angry and upset but I don't know why. I genuinely can't work out whether it's because he's started seeing someone, whether the age gap is weirding me out, if it's because he may have been covering it up, if it's because she knew mum, or some other thing I haven't even thought of yet.

Hoping to benefit from some mumsnet wisdom to get my thoughts organised in the hopes of getting the supportive/cautious balance right.

Obviously he is his own person and doesn't need approval from anyone, but I imagine he will be happier if he feels like I am okay with it. And if there are things to look out for or advice he should be getting from someone then I'd be grateful to hear about it.

Any help?

Thread title should say I know IABU - feel like a right amateur :)

I have lost my mum as well. For me the age would be my concern. There's 15 years between my dad and his new partner and I think that's bad enough. I would have freaked out if he started dating someone my age.

Getting to know her has helped me the most, as has seeing them together and how they interact. I was cautious at first but spending time with them.both helped me see she is genuine. That helped me get overmy freak so I can be supportive.

My best friend's dad started seeing a woman about 3 months after my friends mum / his wife died. She struggled at first because the loss was still so raw and it seemed strangely callous to her.

But she knew as do lots of people, that men who find new partners are actually more likely to survive (as in live longer) than those who don't. The ones who stay single often die only a matter of years later.

And it took a bit of time, but eventually she got over it. Its a normal response Eminthebigsmoke. Give yourself time to come to terms with it.

Men seem to be able to move on quite quickly. I wonder whether it's due to an inability to multi task, if they're with the new woman they're not thinking about the old one.

I think you just have to put up with it. Unless she's a terrible gold digger, no reason why they shouldn't be together. Meeting her may allay your concerns.

Thanks for your replies, it's reassuring to know that I'm likely to be able to absorb it and be okay with it in time.

I've already met her, she's perfectly nice and I haven't any concerns about it being her. Having been up most of the night I think I've boiled it down to feeling uncomfortable about the fact that my dad is attracted to people my age (I think if they were 80 and 50 I wouldn't feel weird about it) and feeling upset that he's been covering it up (which I now feel sure is the case).

I am also worried about the future - if he has used this to help with his grief I worry about what will happen if it fizzles out (she is involved in lots of aspects of his life) but sounds like there's a good chance it won't so no point planning for disaster at this stage.

Thanks again