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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be uncomfortable with the CM putting DS on the step for this long

40 replies

AradiaWitch · 13/09/2015 20:11

I honestly don't know if I am, DH agrees with the CM.

DH and I both work at weekends sometimes so we have a CM who comes to our house to look after DS 4 and DD 18 months. DS can be hard work sometimes, (this I know well) and we use 123 magic techniques which include using the time out step if we get to 3, or immediately if he hits or spits.

Tonight we got home and DS was sat on the step and the cm said that he had been there for 1/2 hour! We normally do it for 4 minutes. She said that he was eating his tea and used his fingers so she told him to use his knife and fork. So he hit out at her. Obviously unacceptable and so she put him on the step. So then it sounds like it turned into a battle of wills about eating his tea and she told him to come and eat his tea, he refused so she made him stay on the step. This went on till we got home.

I would have probably just said 'ok' to not eating his tea, took it away and just told him that was fine but he couldn't have anything else to eat. I am uneasy about combining food and punishment and if he doesn't eat anything I try not to make an issue of it.

The main problem I have was the amount of time he was made to sit on the step for. She is generally a good CM, DD loves her and she is fairly no nonsense which DS needs to be honest as he is stubborn and does push boundaries.

So, AIBU to be bothered by him being made to stay on the step for so long? I'm quite willing to accept that I am, but it just didn't sit right with me.

OP posts:

RabbitSaysWoof · 13/09/2015 20:53

If she said he could get up and he didn't then she is following 123 magic to the letter 'never chase a martyr' by letting him.

Hellocampers · 13/09/2015 20:53

Why does the cm come to your house? Cms provide care in their own homes.

Anyway that aside without knowing the whole story I sort of agree with the cm here. She told you it had been half an hour and sorry he needs to learn he can't hit out.

I am a cm and if kids don't want to eat their tea that's up to them but they don't get to play while the others are eating. I would have made him sit down somewhere and wait until the meal was over so maybe that's what she was doing?

Also your dh agreed with her so that clinched it for me. He knows your son as well as you do and what's appropriate.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/09/2015 20:54

She gave him the option to come and eat his tea - it was essentially his choice to stay there, she didn't make him.

Blackcloudsbrightsky · 13/09/2015 20:55

Hello, it sounds as if she is their childminder but in this instance was there in a babysitting capacity.

Donthate · 13/09/2015 21:00

You sound wrung out. To be honest the childminder was fine, he was safe, he hadn't calmed down so he still needed to be on the step. Lots of children still lash out at 4.

Original poster

AradiaWitch · 13/09/2015 21:05

She comes to our house but is a qualified former nanny, but now teaches in a secondary school and babysits for us at the weekend.

I'm not 100% clear on whether he actually hit her or hit out without connecting. It sounded like he hit out or tried to hit. He was picking up his food with his fingers so she told him off, so he went to hit her I think.

He is very stubborn, which is why I try to avoid getting in a battle of wills with him. I usually try to distract him if I can, otherwise it just escalates.

I supported her to him, and understand why she did what she did. He does push it when he can. It just seemed like a long time to be going on for tbh.

OP posts:

Aridane · 13/09/2015 21:07

What she did sounds fine from what you say

Original poster

AradiaWitch · 13/09/2015 21:12

Donthate, I am wrung out with it all tbh. He is just such hard work all the time, but is quite unexpectedly clingy and emotional at times too. He clings to me in the mornings at school. I know it's early days yet though, he's only done 2 full days so far. I have looked at the SN boards but not posted. I don't know if there is anything going on or if it's just who he is.

He does actually have to go back for a follow up with the paed any time now though. He seems unable to control his anger and has terrible tantrums sometimes when he doesn't get what he wants.

It sounds horrible but I am just so relieved that he's started school. I honestly thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago.

OP posts:

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 13/09/2015 21:13

It might be worth a chat with the school nurse

Hellocampers · 13/09/2015 21:23

Oh sounds rough op.

Mind you he's only 4 and loads of kids still tantrum at that age, starting reception is knackering and he is saving his bad behaviour for you as he trusts you completely.

Hope things get better for you op. It's hard sometimes.

Purplepoodle · 13/09/2015 21:26

We have matching 4 year old ds. He sounds exactly like my ds2 (4). I already have older ds with adhd so we have been watching ds2 carefully. He's seen paed as he was hitting out awfully at nursery, terrible temper, deliberately defiant - don't get me started on the spitting. Conclusion is he's just a stubborn little boy, young for his age with lack of temper control. (He behaved beautifully for ed psych at nursery - staff were shocked. Good news is though he is loving reception so far and seems much more settled.

He's my dc in struggle most with as he is so affectionate and loving and incredibly anxious - the sheer rage moments pop out of no where.

amarmai · 13/09/2015 21:26

when he refused to leave the naughty seat he'd been on for 30 mins - which is soo long for a 3 yr old- that was the defiance moving to another area. Side step the power struggle- do not engage-ignore ignore ignore.

Purplepoodle · 13/09/2015 21:27

Ds1 never hit - he's like a puppy on speed

Hellocampers · 13/09/2015 21:28

And it's not horrible to feel like that op. I danced a bloody jig when my last one started school. I had to feign the tears as all the rest of the mums were blubbing.

Purplepoodle · 13/09/2015 21:30

I don't know if they have them where u are but my hv got me a barnardoes family help referral. They have been amazing at helping us put different strategies in place and helping ds2 recognise and control his anger

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