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To think DM is not a very nice person

4 replies

Phonebox · 13/09/2015 11:48

More of a rant than anything, but it's hard for me to understand her objectively and I'm getting tired of trying to defend or sympathise with her on her many crusades.

All my life she seems to have enjoyed the drama of being at odds with someone or another. She has stopped talking to her best friend of 40 years because apparently the friend is 'jealous' of her. She stops talking to her boyfriend of many years every few months because he 'doesn't give me enough attention'. I'm expected to listen for literally hours on end while DM goes on and on about this kind of thing, but she ignores all practical offers of advice.

DM has recently taken to arguing with me and DBro about how the Government should 'look after our own' and 'she didn't get any help when she asked for it'. She is anti-refugee, anti-migrant, anti-anything which doesn't benefit her directly.

Probably worst of all, a close relative of hers has recently been taken seriously ill, and DM has decided that she's 'faking it for attention and benefits'. She is very upset that this relative is taking time and donations of money from other family members who are trying to get her good treatment and make her as comfortable as possible now her circumstances have changed (she's had to give up work). My DM is heavily hinting that her inheritance is under threat now.

I'm thinking more and more that she's never got over her father's death when she was a young adult. Emotionally she seems stuck at around 13...everything is centred around her. I don't think she's once taken a genuine positive interest in anyone else's activities unless it affects her. Is this relationship salvageable? Is there any ways anyone else has connected or found common ground with a self-absorbed parent?

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 13/09/2015 13:11

She sounds very like my eldest sister (in her sixties now) who has always been like this. She creates drama and conflict with everyone she comes across, everything is about her and frankly it is very very draining.
I and my middle sister are no contact with eldest sister now (by her choice - she does this every so often) I just ignore, I ignore her long rambling letters telling me why she is no contact. When she phones - which she will eventually I shall be civil and basically ignore her self absorbed rantings.

This is how I have learned to deal with a similar situation to yours over the years - it's not really a salvageable relationship - you have to ask yourself is this person adding or detracting from your life and well being and if you find someone is basically making you feel lousy every time you have contact with them, then sometimes detaching yourself is the only way to preserve your own sanity - you have to protect yourself.

I'm sorry though - it's a horrible thing to deal with, and much harder for you I imagine with it being your mother. The main thing is - she won't change, so you will always have to put up with the crap if you maintain a relationship with her - if you can do that, then that's how it will be, but if you find that it is wearing you down and making you unhappy then you have to ask, would I be happier and more content without this person in my life?



Phonebox · 13/09/2015 13:29

Thank you. That is a really lovely response. I tried detaching several years ago when she was going through a really nasty, abusive phase, but I was hoping things had got better since then. Detaching has served me well in the past and I may just do that although it's more in my nature to try and fix things. Thanks again.

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 13/09/2015 16:40

Mil is like this and it's so, so wearing. Her eldest friend recently lost her husband and mil tore into her, the clothes she wears, the way she grieves, it was awful. If you talk about anything else she talks over you or gets up and walks away. We put up with it for years because she is old and lonely.

However, dh came home a month ago and she had been so vile (about me) that he and dd just got up and walked out and she hasn't contacted us since. I've talked to dd and asked if she wants to call her but she isn't interested. I feel for dh, but he feels free for the first time in years.

If she calls I'll be bright and breezy and take it from there but I'm not forcing dh or dd to see her and as her opinion of me is so low then it's not my place to make contact.


christinarossetti · 13/09/2015 16:58

I agree with Kurri. You can't change your mother, only how you respond to her.

My mother is also an unpleasant, toxic person. For various reasons, I don't want to go NC, but I have as little contact with her as I can whilst still being dutiful ie sending mother"s day card, visiting her from time to time.

Our relationship will never be good unfortunately. I've lowered my expectations and hope for no more than just to endure it.

It gets easier over time, though still sad that a decent parental relationship isn't possible.

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