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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support a friend

12 replies

vulgarbunting · 12/09/2015 21:45

A friend of mine wants to break up with her boyfriend. I get text messages every other day from her telling me how unhappy she is/what an arse he is (and he really is an arse, it would definitely be a good thing if they broke up).

She just sent me a message saying that she will need someone to fill the gap that he leaves if they break up, and will I be up for going on nights out to fill the gap?

The trouble is, I really don't want to. She lives a two hour drive for me, so a night out will take over the whole weekend. I have recently come out of a horrendously stressful time, and my husband and I have agreed that we will spend a couple of months focussing on us as a couple, and enjoying our life together. I really don't enjoy big nights out with lots of drinking and sticky floors and letchy men and inevitable hangovers.

I want to support her, but I feel like I can't agree to what she wants. Am I BU? Should I support her as a friend despite the impact on my life? If not, how do I respond?

OP posts:
OneDay103 · 12/09/2015 21:48

Yanbu, she sounds very needy informing you that she 'needs someone to fill the gap'. It's not practical for you to be on call 2 hours away, and you tell her just that. You have your own stuff going on, and she can't expect you to centre your life around her.

saoirse31 · 12/09/2015 22:16

Think she needs to grow up tbh.

ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 22:20

She needs a single friend. It's too much to ask a married friend to go out with her on huge nights out so that she can cop off with someone, particularly as you don't even live anywhere near her.

pictish · 12/09/2015 22:20

Just tell her you're not gap filling material as travelling twp hours to go on nights out sounds like your idea of hell. Be honest. I would if someone asked this of me.
"Ha ha ha noooooo."

ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 22:21

She's not asking you to support her. She's asking you to neglect your husband and go clubbing with her. Tell her you'll support her by phone.

sonjadog · 12/09/2015 22:23

I think you can be honest with her. Tell her that you and your husband have agreed that your main focus will be the two of you for a while so no, you won't be able to fill the gap. She's an adult, she will have to deal with it herself.

pictish · 12/09/2015 22:24

I think it's an outrageous ask btw.

Aridane · 13/09/2015 08:55

You can support her in other ways - just tell here - she's your friend

DoreenLethal · 13/09/2015 08:58

Why would it be you that has to travel to hers?

Just say 'you are more than welcome to come over now and again sweetie but don't think about the gap, think about the freedom'.

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 13/09/2015 09:08

I think it would a good idea for your friend to spend some time learning to be on her own and grown up a bit

Nanny0gg · 13/09/2015 09:11

'Fill the gap'?

That's not friendship. If you were single and a new man came along she'd dump you in a heartbeat.

Let her find someone else to use.

Bullshitbingo · 13/09/2015 09:17

Agree with pp. support her by phone, offer your house for her to visit you if you're so inclined, but be honest that the single phase of your life is over.

Suggest she finds some single friends to go out with, but your shoulder is always there for a cry then switch your phone off when you go to bed so you don't have to deal with the inevitable 2am 'why can't I find a nice maaaan' call

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