As women we con ourselves that men fear intimacy/emotional involvement/think they're not good enough for us.

[Icouldbesogoodforyou]

Of course, there will be a small amount of men with deep emotional problems but on the whole, we're lying to ourselves and I want to know why?!.

I've done it myself - had a relationship or a shorter encounter where they withdraw or act badly and I excuse it by thinking they have a fear of closeness etc.

There are threads on here ALL the time with the same story. ' I met someone, felt a real connection and he did too - told me he hadn't felt like this before, was worried he'd be hurt, thought I was fab etc and we slept together (one night or a few weeks) and he changed - ended it, blocked me on social media, is going out with someone else now'.

And often, we don't think he was a player or spun a line to get us in bed. We make threads about our confusion, I'm SURE he had feelings for me so I'm confused. And some replies will say move on, he's a player and some will say he probably does have feelings for you and is scared'. But yet, has chosen to treat you badly because that's how men treat women they like- to push them away.

Why do we do this?. Why do we torture ourselves with the idea that we were somehow so wonderful that we scared them away or they would be willing to go through life without us because the 'feelings' they felt with us were too much.

As much as I dislike that kind of book - 'he's just not that into you' is true. A man who really wanted to spend time with you and be in a relationship with you wouldn't let anything stop him - as long as you want to be with him too.

I can't think of any relationship (or not wanting to pursue a ons or fling) that I haven't continued with because I thought the man was better than me or I feared an emotional connection.

I can't think of any of my numerous male friends that have done the same. They've ended it because they just weren't that interested.

I have never known a female friend push away a potential relationship because she didn't feel good enough or feared intimacy. And haven't known a male friend do it either so why do we con ourselves?.

So the idea is that when lots of women get chucked they think "oho he obviously liked me so so so much he just can't handle it, he was mad for me and that's why he's gone"???

Um. I've never heard a woman say that

I have heard many more men say / think deluded stuff when they've been chucked TBH.

I suppose everyone has different friends lives though, lifes rich tapestry and all that.

"And I do think the romanticism of relationships is more about women putting up with shit because he'll eventually realise he'll love you plays a part.

Breakfast Club - he'll publicly humiliate you and seem like he hates you because he fancies you and then snog you.

The English Patient - he'll make you feel like shit till you're dying and then he'll break down because he loved you so much but was such an emotional cripple he had to make you think he hated you."

These are FILMS! They are what we are fed in the media but they are not a reflection of real life! Most women (and men) are intelligent enough to know that! Why are you using the behaviour of fictional characters as examples when you are talking about something that you say happens in real life?

"And isn't that what we all hope?. That we meet someone that thinks we're special and they want to be with us. So when someone shag us and doesn't think we're that special we want there to be a reason that isn't became we're not special,.and just the same as everyone else?."

Well.... No? Loads of people have casual sex all the time. Loads of women have sex with men they don't think are "special", same as vice versa.

I don't recognise my experiences or my friends lives in your posts. It all sounds really, I don't know, old fashioned. I'm over 40 though so not exactly young!

It does not really matter, does it, unless you are going to try and go back to them?

When blokes I was going out with suddenly decided I was not for them in the past I certainly did not want to analyse it to death. Granted, I was very young, since I gave been with DH for over 20 years, but my overriding feeling was that the exes were being twatish and for me to move on. I figured I'd find out sooner or later whether it was purely due to bad behaviour of my own - each case I did not think it was. Bit of both usually.

I don't thing any women easily thinks 'yes I'm so amazing and that's why he's acting like a prat'.

Tbh I think you have your reasoning wrong. Women are much more likely to think it's their fault for not being good enough, and then afterwards not being understanding enough / telepathic enough to divine what wonderful tortuous train of events may have befallen the man to excuse his rubbish post coital behaviour.

So, not excessive ego but not enough.