More of a WWYD really

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

I have an 11 year old dd who started secondary school a week and a half ago. The backstory is - she has always really struggled socially and in February had what I would describe as a breakdown, where she started refusing to go to school, and was having really dark thoughts. I took her to the doctors and she was referred to CAMHS, where they came to the conclusion that she is likely to be autistic and we are currently going through the long process of assessment.

For the last 6 months of primary she was either not there, or when she was she would not join in with anything and would sit with her head on the desk/under the table/hide in the corner. Despite not doing any of the preparation she did well in her SATS.

She is aware that people see her as 'the weird kid' and really wanted to have a fresh start at secondary. She has been joining in with lessons, even PE which she hates, and trying really hard to be 'normal' and fit in. I am so, so proud of her as I can see how emotionally exhausting it is for her. She has a support worker coming into school to see her and I had a conversation with her on Thursday where she said dd had disclosed that she was really struggling and was feeling depressed.

So yesterday I went to pick dd up and I could tell something was wrong. We were in the car and she wouldn't tell me as it was too noisy (no music on, just normal car noises but when she's feeling stressed she gets really sensitive to noises).

Eventually at 5.30pm I managed to get her to talk to me. She was lining up for a lesson and there was a boy behind her who was picking on her. She got in the classroom and turns out she had to sit next to this boy. She refused to sit next to him, so the teacher ended up shouting at her and making her leave the room. The teacher came out and told her she had a detention. Dd went back in the class and had to sit next to the boy, who carried on picking on dd by making horrible comments about her to his friends (this again is a big sensitivity for dd, she left one school because she was bullied, she is so insecure and paranoid about what people think of her and this boy's behaviour really isn't going to help that). In the end she got fed up with it and threw her blazer at him, at which point the boy told the teacher on her and she got in more trouble.

She's now really down about school and saying she hates it, and I know I'm not thinking very rationally really but I'm really pissed about it. For dd to be attending school and actually making an effort to join in is a MAJOR thing for her, and I feel that the teacher should have been a bit more understanding that dd has autism (not diagnosed but the school SENCO dept are treating her as if she does). AIBU for thinking this? I feel like I should speak to the teacher about it and respectfully ask her to cut dd a bit of slack as this happened at the end of her first full week of school in over 6 months, and she was completely emotionally done in from the effort of conforming. But not sure whether that's the right thing to do.

Yes we had quite a complex school entry plan arrangement and there are places dd can go if she needs to escape. I think the teaching staff must all be aware of her as dd says most of the teachers treat her 'like she's dumb' and give her lots of extra help in lessons, but it sounds like this one teacher was treating her like she was being naughty rather than being autistic. She's really not a naughty child.

Not got a lot of use to say, but a decade ago I was your DD, not diagnosed but really struggling. There were a few teachers I did not get on with at all, and I think I was pretty disruptive just to fit in - also really bright and utterly mystified at why anyone would pick on me. Definitely speak to the teacher, and if she continues to be unsympathetic and fail to consider your daughter's actions being potentially provoked, I hate to say it, but could your DD move class? Not great if they're in academic sets, but at this stage in Y7 they often aren't so it's worth checking. A teacher who's understanding enough to avoid making an example of your DD so she can fly under the radar might do the world of good in this transitional period.

I'm not convinced that SN is relevant. It wouldn't be right for the boy to wind up a not-SN kid until they lost their temper, either.

Thanks for the replies. I can see that it was probably difficult for the teacher - she hadn't seen what had gone on outside the class room. It was their first ever lesson with this teacher, and all she would have seen is dd refusing to sit down when she needed to get on and teach the lesson. Dd find it hard to communicate with people that she doesn't know well (and even then still struggles), so I can't imagine for a moment that she would have put her side of things across when the teacher came out to speak to her, I expect by that time she had gone into 'shut down' mode, after having been picked on and shouted at, two things she really can't cope with.

On top of everything else she has to deal with dd got her first period last month and her next one is due any day so she's bound to be all over the place hormonally right now too.

As for moving classes, it's just one lesson that she has every other week, so it's not going to be a huge issue but I don't want every other week to end like this!

I agree with previous posters - teacher didn't handle it well, but in 'first lessons' the teacher is nervous/worrying about names /wanting to focus on discipline etc.

At our school, it takes a week or two for info on sen kids to filter through properly, nevermind undiagnosed children.

I'd highly recommend calling the head of year. They can flag it up and pass on info to her teachers. It's really helpful as a teacher to get the names of students who shouldn't sit together - it's an easy fix.

The other solution, depending on school type, is a good book - does she like reading? I've got two year 7 girls with anxiety issues, so I get them to have a book open on their desk - it stops other kids confronting/interacting with them, shows me they need a chat and is something to distract them.

Are you sure all of her subject teachers are up to date on her school history? Sometimes the info isn't passed on and then teachers who would otherwise be caring do the wrong thing.
Please check that all teachers are informed - it's so important.
You sound so reasonable in your posts that I think you'd be the perfect person to explain the situation to the teacher involved. You sound very calm, and it would help your DD to have her point put across like that.

I am wondering if the teacher knew? I would call and make an appointment to talk to her next week.

Thanks jumpchicken - yes the head of year would probably be the person to contact. It's obviously a lot more complicated than primary where there is just one point of contact to deal with, it's hard to know who to approach now. She does like reading, they do have a card system at the school where certain kids can show the teacher their card and they are able to leave the class and go straight to the pastoral support place if they can't cope but I don't think that dd has a card yet.

Ihateigglepiggle - I have calmed down now, yesterday I was furious and in lioness mode, it's probably a good thing dd didn't tell me until a bit later on as I'd have been straight up to the school tearing strips off the teacher had it still been open!

I think if it was her first lesson with the teacher, I would hang fire and see what happens next time. In that situation, I can imagine that I would ask the child to step outside, but then I would calmly ask why she didn't want to sit next to that boy. I wouldn't shout or give a detention.

I've had moments in the past, though, when I'm given information about a student, and then they all come in for the first time and they're a jumble of faces and names, so it's hard to connect the need with the pupil. Usually I will take a spare second to identify anyone with SEN, but if this happened at the beginning of the lesson, I can imagine the teacher didn't have time to do that.

Saying that, if anything comes up again, I would get in touch with the SENCo straight away. I hope things look up for your DD and school becomes more positive for her.

i think I will speak to the school on Monday - I think the detention was unfair given dd's needs and punishments at this stage are going to be hugely detrimental to her given that she has actually done really bloody well the last two weeks.

I realise that the teacher may have not realised who dd was at the start of the lesson but the penny should have dropped at some point and it doesn't sound like it did. Either she did know about dd but still behaved the way she did which is disgraceful IMO, or she didn't know, in which case - why not? School entry plan arrangements were made over a long period of time, involving several different agencies, and there's no excuse for dd to be starting school without all her teachers being aware of her needs.

firstly she needs that card ASAP. If she had the card she could have shown it as soon as she saw she had to sit next to the boy and left avoiding the distressing situation. If teacher did know about her asd then it was handled very badly but it could be the case she didn't or the severity.