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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset and cross with dd2s teacher?

55 replies

Asimovbuff · 11/09/2015 11:37

Dd2 loves drama. She does a paid for drama club at school with yearly exams. She's worked in a group for the last 3 years and the group has been awarded distinctions in all 3 exams. The teacher doesn't seem to like dd very much and has written a few strange reports about her attitude and commitment. When we've emailed the teacher to discuss she has never replied. We've spoken to dd who seems oblivious. She's a sunny child who does well in all her lessons and school drama lessons where the teacher (a different one) praises her work ethic. She does have some problems with literacy which she is getting extra help for - this doesn't affect her ability to learn lines which she is very quick at.

When she returned this term, it transpired that the other two girls in the group had been put together as a duo and there was no place for dd apparently the mum of one of the other girls has requested this "when she bumped into me (the drama teacher) by chance in reception. "

So basically they've decided that the other two girls will work on a duologue this year and dd has nothing. So she'll have to give up, unless she wants to do a monologue (which she doesnt). There is no one else she can go with and all the groups have been decided. I feel really upset. AIBU?

Just to add a couple of years ago there was another girl in the group. She was dyspraxic and dyslexic and the mum of one of the girls who have formed the duo asked me to complain about her so that she got moved out of the group. I refused. Looks like she's done similar to dd

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Original poster

Asimovbuff · 11/09/2015 12:53

Hi jorah -- no this older girl has only just started and dd would have to repeat a grade that she's already passed!!

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TheHouseOnTheLane · 11/09/2015 12:54

Why would she have to repeat a grade if they're both doing a duologue? Isn't the duologue just part of the thing DD needs to be doing? And they will assess them on different criteria?

Jessica78 · 11/09/2015 12:56

(Drama Teacher here - not your one!)

She should team up with the older girl for the duologue - advantageous both in terms of development, but also socially.

A good teacher would be making all individuals explore both the duologue and the monologue at this stage and then consider which to enter.

It seems somewhat arbitrary for a teacher to have made these decisions without involving the young people themselves in the decision making process. After all it is they, not their parents, who will be in the classes and doing the work.

Good Luck!

Original poster

Asimovbuff · 11/09/2015 13:02

Thanks this has all been most helpful. I am going to ask what the teacher recommends in terms of dds development

She said she asked all three girls if they wanted to carry on next term and that dd seemed unsure whereas the other two were keen.

I know dd would have been unsure because she knows we are struggling a bit financially and we had been discussing whether or not we could afford it

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MrsGentlyBenevolent · 11/09/2015 13:05

Hmm, a lot of 'don't want to do this, or work with other girls', coming from your daughter. Are you sure she's really enjoying drama class, or is it just to hang out with these two girls? I can understand shyness, or lack of confidence, but someone who really wants to do drama as a long term education prospect would be a bit more into a variety of roles, I would think. A chance to expand on their skulls and learn more, drama is all about leaving your comfort zone and embracing different opportunities in my opinion.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 11/09/2015 13:06

OP you need to decide if you can afford it and then reassure DD that you can...and keep encouraging her. It seems that someone had to be left out and she actually hasn't been....another girl has been found for her!

Original poster

Asimovbuff · 11/09/2015 13:16

Yes you are right

I will have to talk carefully to dd to see if she really wants to do this.

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MrsGentlyBenevolent · 11/09/2015 13:31

Bless her, it's such a difficult age anyway, where you want to keep to your friends, but also discovering your likes and dislikes as a young adult (and hating standing out at the same time!). I used to love singing, but I gave it up around this age because I became painfully self-aware. I used to imagine myself as a great oprea singer (sad child, I know, no Britney for me!), but then the teenage years kicked in and all I wanted to do was hang out with mates and think about life later.

I suggest first making absolutely sure it is something you can afford. If it is, reassure her of this. Ask her if it's really what she wants to do, or did she just enjoy it because of these girls. If she really wants to continue, you have to be a bit firm with her about branching out, that as nice as it is to hang out with friends in a class, she's there to learn new skills, that includes working alone or with different people. Maybe the teacher is seeing this as well, and is just trying to push your daughter into stepping out of her comfort zone?

Original poster

Asimovbuff · 11/09/2015 13:40

Thanks. The offer of a new partner was only made this morning - dd went back last week and we've had a week of her not being offered anything. The other two girls went to their first lesson this week which was feedback from the exam (which dd was in!). I agree she might benefit from being pushed out of her comfort zone, however it would be good if that was a conscious decision by the drama teacher and she had discussed it with us first.

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TheHouseOnTheLane · 11/09/2015 13:46

I don't see why the drama teacher would think she needed to discuss it with you OP. It's just part and parcel of DD needing to strike out alone now she's in secondary school.

Original poster

Asimovbuff · 11/09/2015 13:51

Because it's paid for and requires picking up later (by me)

It's not a free lunchtime club where I agree they sort themselves out.

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Original poster

Asimovbuff · 11/09/2015 13:52

And I would have agreed with you tbh but the other parents have rather called the shots here so she was very happy to involve them!

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jorahmormont · 11/09/2015 14:12

Does she do any other drama groups outside of school? Not necessarily stage coach; local youth theatres/am dram groups can be just as beneficial, looking ahead to degree-level study now.

kungfupannda · 11/09/2015 14:20

I would encourage her to do the monologue. I think it was LAMDA that I did at school years ago, and almost all of us did solo pieces for the exams. I only once remember pairing up with anyone, despite taking classes as a pair.

Topseyt · 11/09/2015 14:27

It maybe does sound a little as though your DD has been shafted out, but feel your way to start with as you go into the meeting. You don't yet have all of the information first hand.

I would encourage her to link up with the older girl if the teacher thinks they will work well together and at least give it a try. Use the meeting this afternoon to ask the teacher for more details on this.

Is there anyone else in any of the older groups who your DD would prefer to pair up with? If so then ask the teacher if this would be possible. Make sure (firmly but tactfully) that the teacher realises you and your DH are now onto this. Say that you are paying a sizeable amount for it so will be taking an interest.

Depending on the outcome of the meeting, could there be some sort of personality clash between the teacher and your DD? It sounds as though your DD is perhaps holding back a little in the class and in so doing she might be showing herself in more of a negative light than she needs to. Perhaps because she was not confident that the finances would be in place. That might explain why things are so much better in school, because she doesn't have that worry so works better.

If you DD wants to do drama at uni and is doing very well at it at school then perhaps have some back-up plan here in case things really do go tits up. Speak to the school drama teacher. Ask if she knows of any alternative clubs which might be of interest to your DD.

Original poster

Asimovbuff · 12/09/2015 08:46

Meeting was intense. Can't go into it all but she made some really quite nasty comments about dd which made dh cross and he's normally so cool in these situations.

I did say to dd afterwards you need to focus more and apparently you muck around a bit. She literally went white. She said the teacher had never said she mucked around and she always tried to work really hard. Then she cried. She also denied the teacher had discussed options with her.

The head of school drama was at the meeting and admitted they had communication issues and that they had done things in the wrong way.

Came out feeling that actually dd is better off out of it. Teacher seemed really toxic, I was shocked. Still feel none the wiser tbh.

Dd starts dance classes again on Monday after a 2 year break due to injury. They are out of school with some old friends so hopefully will take her mind off it.

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TendonQueen · 12/09/2015 08:55

I'd ask to speak to the head now, even if your DD doesn't continue, to discuss why this has been handled so badly to make sure it doesn't affect others in future. The fact that the drama head was there and said they've done things the wrong way suggests to me the teacher has not acted well and this is an attempt to smooth that over but without helping your DD's situation.

Blu · 12/09/2015 09:04

Terrible behavior by the teacher. If you and she feel she is better off out of it I would pull her out and send a clear and direct message to the HoD that your dd has had a very upsetting experience, had never had any negative feedback about her behaviour and you are not willing to pay for a class where a teacher allows another parent to interfere like that.

Do you have a theatre locally that runs a Youth Theatre? They are often of a really high standard and provide a brilliant introduction to theatre practice. And not usually costly .

Idefix · 12/09/2015 09:05

That sounds awful op. Agree with TQ that the presence of the h of d was a sign that things have spotted as not being ok.

I don't think you are wrong for getting involved your dd is still young and needs support. Perhaps other pp have very buoyant socially robust dc who would be able to make the best out of this situation but that does not mean your dd can or should.

Glad to hear dd has other opportunities available to her.

Idefix · 12/09/2015 09:07

I would take this up further, not allowed parents would be aware enough to spot this and so would say it needs looking into for future children.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/09/2015 09:13

I second what Blu says.
There's no way my child would be going back there. No way in hell.
Yes she may not like your DD. Fair enough. Not every teacher is going to like every child, just as not every child is going to like every teacher, but no child should ever know which teachers dislike them

Original poster

Asimovbuff · 12/09/2015 09:41

The other classic was saying that the reason she spoke to the other mum and not me was that the other mum 'is around the school a lot'

I did point out that as a working woman I am not around the school a lot in fact I try and spend as little time possible at the school

This doesn't mean I am not entitled to the same level of service

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teacher54321 · 12/09/2015 10:16

Oh my goodness that is dreadful. (Speaking as a Director of Music who manages lots of freelancers, runs lots of ensembles and has managed theatre groups) Find your daughter a good local theatre school (not necessarily stagecoach as its a franchise-can be a bit hit and miss) as many of them offer LAMDA coaching too.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/09/2015 10:26

This isn't even speaking is an adult it is speaking through my childhood memories. These types of things are always clique, with certain mothers and the teachers so far up each others are holes you can't tell where ends and one starts.

Original poster

Asimovbuff · 12/09/2015 13:25

Thanks. There's a great theatre school near us but totally full. I think we are going to say she will opt out this year unless they can find a peer of similar age and level. Don't see why she should take second best after the meeting we had. Of course this means she may miss a year but the meeting left such a nasty taste I don't care.

She said the problem was dds attitude but she couldn't put her finger on any one thing she has done. She couldn't suggest any way dd could improve. I said 'you want something intangible from dd that she cannot give you' and she said yes that's right she needs to stop being frivolous and thinking she's here to have fun .

Hard to explain to a happy 12 year old

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