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Original poster

Friend unhappy married, but worried about her house

28 replies

MyLovelyFriend2015 · 10/09/2015 15:54

my friend has scrimped and saved her way to a little (value) house. She has since married a 'man' - who refuses to work - claims disability benefits, is incapable of housework, refuses to give her any of the weekly benefit for food or bills etc and keeps it (£55) to himself, makes a terrible mess, takes her cigarettes (her only vice)

He is up at all hours and sleeps through the day - ignores her and treats her like total crap

If she asked him to leave (after 2 years of marriage) where he has not contributed a brass farthing, would she have to pay him off? or any support money?

He's wearing her out, and she is a shadow of her former self - there are no children

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 10/09/2015 15:59

She was mad to marry him. He has a claim on the house now.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/09/2015 16:03

After 2 years he may have a claim but with no input financially from him she might be OK.
She needs to get legal advice.
I'd get her to contact Womens Aid and get a recommendation from them.
I would also suggest she call 101 and speak to the DV division and find out the best way to get him out of her house.

Original poster
MyLovelyFriend2015 · 10/09/2015 16:03

Yes - i agree with you Gotta - sadly that doesn't help her now though Sad

He has not contributed ANYTHING at all to the house (or household)

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 10/09/2015 16:12

Tell your friend to get legal advice and see a Solicitor. The fact he never worked or contributed may make some difference and a good solicitor could argue that.
It could be argued he married her for gain?

DisconcertedAndRetired · 10/09/2015 16:19

She can't live the rest of her life like this, and the shorter the marriage the less claim he has, so the sooner she gets rid of him the better. She has to act now, even if it's risky.

Duckdeamon · 10/09/2015 16:22

Legal advice. Even with any financial consequences she should end the relationship asap because it sounds terrible.

pinkdelight · 10/09/2015 16:28

Surely if he claims disability benefits then he's disabled - they're pretty hard to get these days. And £55 isn't much to live on (or to buy fags, if that's one of his vices), how much does she expect him to contribute? He might have lost some benefits (eg housing) by moving in with her and getting married. Not saying you're wrong about him, but just giving another perspective. If a man with a disabled wife came on here asking how to get rid of her without giving her any of their joint assets (of the marriage), I can't imagine he'd get much sympathy. But anyhow, legal advice is the best bet.

ChristineDePisan · 10/09/2015 16:28

Legal advice. And his claim is only going to grow, so get out asap

LittleRedSparkle · 10/09/2015 16:34

The main issue i have is that he keeps ALL of the £55 a week, and doesn't give her anything towards food or fuel or bills, she doesn't earn a lot. £55 is a fair amount to live on if you dont have to buy any essentials

I get what you mean, and she doesn't want all the money, but she has no spending money at all because all her money goes on the mortgage and bills and food etc, for example she cuts her own hair, how can he live like that.

He's well enough to do something that i cannot say in case i out them, so he could set up something that could get some money in

IssyStark · 10/09/2015 16:44

OP, your last post was under your normal name not MyLovelyFriend2015 .

You might want to ask Mumsnet Towers to delete or rename your last post.

LittleRedSparkle · 10/09/2015 16:50

ah well..... name change fail - thanks - I dont think i am id'able from those posts - its annoying but....

thanks for the point out

AcrossthePond55 · 10/09/2015 17:00

Legal advice, right away, before she says anything to him. If she is told that he has claim and if the house has little value, would she be in a position to borrow the amount or refinance rather than sell the house?

I've heard different things about this, but if she owned the house before the marriage and if the marriage is of very short duration, perhaps it may not be considered an asset? One of the reasons to get to a solicitor asap.

But honestly, she'll be better off having to sell the house and buy him off if that gets rid of him than she will be staying where she is and being miserable.

scarlets · 10/09/2015 17:04

He sounds like a loser. She should obtain legal advice before doing anything.

Andrewofgg · 10/09/2015 17:33

He will get something out of it, and the sooner she gets herself some good legal advice, the more can be done to keep it down.

scoobydooagain · 10/09/2015 17:44

I owned my house pre exdh, similarly short marriage but also 1 child, I did not need to pay him anything. But did need to pay all legal fees, which were about £1200. What I also did was pay the 1st months rent + deposit for a flat for him - best money I ever spent. She needs to see a solicitor and the sooner the better

Andrewofgg · 10/09/2015 18:53

Frankly scoobydooagain you got off lightly.

missymayhemsmum · 10/09/2015 19:02

Would it depend on what he gave up to marry and move in with her? If it was (for instance) a secure tenancy?

Original poster
MyLovelyFriend2015 · 11/09/2015 09:48

i dont think he gave up anything, and to start he managed to work

its just after they got married, he deteriorated, I genuinely dont think he is faking his disability, but i do think he should help out around the house

she comes home and then has to clean up after him (if he bothers to wash up, he does it with cold water so its not clean and she has to redo it), cook for him, clean the house, and its too much for her

OP posts:
KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 11/09/2015 10:41

How much does she have left over after the essentials? He has £7.85 per day. If he gave her £20 a week that would go down to a fiver which is very little. A return bus fare, a packet of crisps and a newspaper really. You say he is 'incapable' of housework which I assume is because of his disability so not really his fault. It sounds like he treats her badly but that is a separate issue from the money.

Incidentally £7.85 is less than the price of a packet of fags. I wonder what would be the consensus on here if a woman came on and said her partner took part of her meagre benefits to buy fags and then wouldn't even give her one?

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 11/09/2015 10:43

Ah. And what would be said to a husband who decided that if their disabled partner's condition deteriorated they would divorce them because the caring responsibilities were an inconvenience?

DisappointedOne · 11/09/2015 11:06

£55 a week doesn't sound right. Shouldn't it be closer to £100 (at least)?

www.gov.uk/employment-support-allowance/what-youll-get

Original poster
MyLovelyFriend2015 · 11/09/2015 12:07

I might be wrong on the amounts - he wont let her see his bank statements

He doesn't go out, so he doesn't need a bus fare, or a paper (she pays for internet and a friend gave him a tablet). They smoke (her) roll ups. He ruins things that are in the house, by not caring enough to look after them

The disability is not affecting his ability not to leave his stuff all over the place, or do basic tidying up, or washing (himself)

She has no money left over at all....She works full time, she helps him see his children from the previous relationships, she runs around after him

if he was treating her with respect, and love, but he doesnt, he doesn't contribute to the household in any way

OP posts:
KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 11/09/2015 12:16

So he does do some stuff, presumably the things that his disability doesn't stop him doing. And I'm a bit confused that you say that he leaves his stuff all over the place but also that he tidied up. I also don't think the fact that he is capable of some level of personal care means that he is capable of doing housework which is too much for someone able bodied.

I think the first thing they need to do is give up smoking TBH.

Original poster
MyLovelyFriend2015 · 11/09/2015 12:34

Sorry - i wrote it badly - he doesn't tidy up, but his disability does not stop him - its laziness and sheer cockwomblery that stops him doing it

OP posts:
Lightbulbon · 11/09/2015 12:53

What is his disability?

£55 isn't right. Is he getting ESA/dla/pip?

It sounds like he's depressed if nothing else. So it's not surprising if he's not doing stuff around the house if he's depressed enough to get disability benefits.