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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

..to wonder if it's possible to get over this fear of childbirth?

37 replies

Runningupthathill82 · 10/09/2015 08:17

I'm 21 weeks with DC2 and terrified of giving birth again.

When I was pregnant with DS I was a staunch believer in hypnobirthing, the power of breathing exercises and the capability of my own body.

I practised yoga positions in the run up to labour, and had lots of breathing exercises memorised. I honestly believed that the birth wouldn't be that painful unless I allowed it to be so; that my body knew what it was doing, and that being a very fit and positive person would get me through.

Anyway, a 24-hour back to back labour later, ending with forceps, and I now know this not to be the case.

DS was in a very bad way when he was born, and was readmitted to hospital twice as he couldn't learn to feed. I also was very ill during the birth and afterwards. I then struggled to heal and still have ongoing issues with incontinence from the forceps.

We delayed ttc #2 because I was so scared of doing it again, but now it's happening. I'm terrified. I don't want me and my baby to almost die again. I don't want to feel so out of control and helpless.

Has anyone who has been in a similar position got any sensible advice? I can't go back to yoga/hypnobirthing etc because I know it didn't help last time, and I don't want to be the voice of doom for first-timers. But then I don't know if asking for an ELCS would be best either. I'm really stuck.

OP posts:
Boosiehs · 10/09/2015 14:11

I had a fucking awful first birth with DS. Well overdue, not progressing, induction, foreceps, shoulder dytocia, PPH, thought we were both going to die. Huge baby- 9lb11.

I still have pain during sex and put it off due to that. Incontinence is also an issue - especially as I sneeze so much. :(

God knows how i became pregnant again. I swear we had sex once....

Anyway - at my boooking in appt I told the MW what happened last time, and said "well that won't be happening ever again", she said "yes, I'm sure the consultant will agree". Saw the consultant at 12 weeks - who did agree - and I have been booked in for a ELCS at 39 weeks.

The thought of labour, intervention, even bigger second baby, scares me witless. I have countless friends and family who have had CS - they all recommended it to me. I am happy to say I feel relieved now.

nickEcave · 10/09/2015 14:23

I had an Elective CS with my first DD as I went 17 days overdue, 3 days of induction attempts failed and labour never started. With my second I said quite early on I wanted another CS and although I couldn't have this confirmed by the consultant until about 28 weeks, it was eventually confirmed for 39 weeks and I was extremely happy to have it. I had numerous friends who had bad birthing experiences after not getting sufficient support from midwives in overstretched units. The one thing you can guarantee with a CS is all the staff and attention you need!

Runningupthathill82 · 10/09/2015 14:54

Ollie - it was the Marie Mongan CD I used, plus pregnancy yoga sessions which involved lots of practising of birthing positions, strategies for coping with pain, breathing exercises etc.

And the reading - I read everything! But nothing prepared me for the reality.

OP posts:
PlummyBrummy · 10/09/2015 21:42

Really feel for you OP. I did the whole hypnobirthing thing too and though I had a relatively short labour (12 hours from the time we walked into the MLU to birth) it was 4 hours of pushing that really did for me. I think hypnobirthing helped with the early phases of labour but I lost it at the second stage and it just fecking hurt. It didn't help that DD was born not breathing well - we think due to a still-undiagnosed GBS infection and was rushed off to NICU after minimal skin-to-skin. We spent almost two weeks looking at her through a glass box and nearly lost her several times in the first 24 hours.

I still wonder whether I might have felt less traumatised by the labour if DD had been healthy and we'd had that precious first few hours with her. But I still think I'd have been fearful.

If it helps, I'm writing this with DD2 in my arms having given birth to her 22 months after DD1. I got pregnant very very quickly and though I was trying not to panic I think it def contributed to going overdue by nearly 2 weeks. This time I demanded an epidural and got one. And it was bliss. I knew if made the right choice as soon as my induction started to work and I felt labour pains again. I had a short labour, chatted with DH and midwife between pushes, shared jokes, took a brief nap and DD2 eventually slipped gently into the world after 5 hours. If I could guarantee a birth like that every time I'd consider having 5 kids! They may not work for everyone but for me an epidural made my second labour a transformative experience and has put to bed some of the trauma of the last one.

Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to you and your baby.

Claireshh · 10/09/2015 21:49

I had an emergency c-section after a failed induction/back to back labour where my daughters heart rate kept dropping. It was incredibly stressful but the actual c-section whilst obviously stressful was fine.

My elective c-section for my son was an utter breeze. Of course I had discomfort after the op but I felt fantastic after four days and wanted to drive after a week and a half. My son's birth was calm, relaxed and I had lovely post birth cuddles with him.

If I were in your shoes I would absolutely enquire about an elective section. X

BigRedBall · 10/09/2015 21:54

Poor you. I had a horrendous first labour and was scared about dc2 as well. When the time came, he was born in 3 hours after going into hospital.

Every birth is different and there's no saying what might happen this time. If your gut instinct tells you for a cs then push for it. But remember, it's a major operation and you'll need time to heal from that too. Tbh, I had tears with my first 2 babies and it made me ill and I healed slowly...I don't think my body could cope well with a cs.

Misnomer · 10/09/2015 22:05

I had a hideous first labour with my eldest son. It was very intervention heavy and i haemoraghed after delivery. I was fairly certain I was dying. I won't go into any more detail but it was all horrible. I was really scared of going through all that again but I was lucky to be offered a birth debrief about a year later and it was brilliant. The midwife went through my notes and explained what had happened and why and I told it from my side. I hadn't realised how much of a failure the birth experience had made me feel.

My second labour was lovely and positive. I really recommend asking for a debrief.

G1veMeStrength · 10/09/2015 22:16

OP you truly didn't fail. I do know the feeling, but I promise you none of the bad stuff was your fault.

I had a horrendous first birth followed by a lovely second birth. Fwiw my DC are now 10 and 8 and you can't tell which was ripped kicking and screaming from my broken and tattered body while machines beeped and specialists charged into the room, and which swam gently into the world as dawn broke and midwives gently cooed. You really can't. There is no difference in the bonding and all that.

Good luck Flowers

LuluJakey1 · 10/09/2015 23:54

I was terrified of giving birth. I think it caused me a lot if worry and stress n the last few weeks of my pregnancy. My view was I wanted any pain relief possible, an epidural and a CS under general anaesthetic if it looked at all awkward. I did not contemplate pools, home births, hypnobirthing or anything. I have no pain tolerance and am scared of medical things.

I did not realise I was in labour- I thought I just had back ache and Braxton Hicks. I was 39 weeks. I went to bed, got up in the middle of the night and my waters broke. I felt oddly calm and nit in awful pain so I staed at home and DH and I lay in bed in the dark abd I managed to sleep off and on.

We went to the hospital a few hours later and I was 6cms. I walked around a lot and had gas and air and by the time an anaesthetist came it was too late to give me an epidural. I managed on gas and air and only had a tiny tear that did not need stitching. All over in about 11 hours and only acouple were really painful but were bearable. DH and I were amazed. We both thought I would have been panicked and scared and made a huge fuss and not have coped with the pain.

My friend who did hypnobirthing had a pool at home, was really up for it and prepared had an awful time - much like you described with 30+ hours and no real progress then the baby got stuck, the midwife dialled an ambulance, she was whisked off to hospital and Ds had to be resussitated and she was badly torn. She vowed never to have another one. However she has just had her second and it was - according to her- exactly the birth she wanted the first time except in the hospital pool rather than at home. No complications, calm, short, progressed easily, pain easily controlled, no tears and baby fine.She had a plan for a CS agreed with the consultant but she said she never considered it once she started because it was just so different to last time.

You can't say for definite but her experience shows you can have a good experience after an awful one. I was unprepared really and was lucky. It is pot luck but everyone I know says it is easier second time.

Good luck Flowers

OwlinaTree · 11/09/2015 07:07

I had a planned section after horrendous 1st birth. It was amazing. Yes I had to heal, but it was pretty quick and at least it made me stop rushing about and concentrate on my baby.

It's just one day of your child's life. If it makes things easier for you to have intervention then have it. You have the rest of their lives to bond and love them, it really doesn't make a difference exactly how they got here.

Good luck with it OP.

Focusfocus · 11/09/2015 10:31

Running, we have 'spoken' before on another thread.

My thoughts are - have you been able to access any counselling or systematic support through CBT or other approaches for unpacking what happened last time? Maybe treating it as a traumatic incident and giving it the attention it needs would help? I'm sure the birth trauma association can point you in the right direction, failing which there is the BACP where a postcode search can help you find someone? Perhaps one debrief alone won't do it, but perhaps a set of five long sessions will help in some way? Tokophobia is very real, and you need support to help you through it.

Secondly, your DC2 Does not know what position DC1 lay in. It is a different sperm that met a different egg, in a changed body, at a different time, to grow into a little body of a different shape that will lie in it's own unique lie. All these point towards high chances of a very different birth.

Third, if finances permit, you can always get a growth scan at 30 weeks, or ask midwife to palpate And tell you at that time which way baby is lying. I have done so. Baby had a tendency to be posterior. Daily exercises from Spinning Babies, completely altering my resting positions and now as space reduces baby has come to lie on my left, head down, and sideways facing, back to belly. I'll be trying to keep things going that way but sometimes people have pelvic shapes that get in the way. Again, a private presentation scan at 35 weeks will give you some info on position as might an experienced palpating of the belly. I say this only because you e concerned about posterior positions.

For those who are doing hypnobirthing though, I'd like to add - there are many models of hypnobirthing ranging from ones that totally denounce medical intervention and ones that aim to support whatever happens on birthing day. Choose wisely. I'm expecting my first next month and I have the strong feeling that I know far more about Keiland Forceps and have planned more about the possible EMCS than I know about hypnosis. This is because I entered oregnancy with tokophobia and researched all of this before I heard of hypnobirthing. That's a good thing, I think.

So, choose wisely. I deliberately didn't choose the Mongan method. I chose another programme, a different teacher who was a retired nhs midwife. She talked freely, openly and non judgementally about all her various births - ones in car parks, ones in a dark pool, ones with epidurals, forceps, EMCS. And she taught me scripts to make the most of any of those situations. The tape I listen to everyday has visualisations of different paths to the sane destination, and the script says about this alternative path how it is good to remain open. My hypnosis tapes specifically talk about "whatever turn my birthing takes" and "whatever happens on birthing day". So, as I practise relaxing, and breathing and yes, have planned a pool hypnobirth, I am keeping a careful eye on my baby's position, have toured and asked to see the forceps, ventouse, epidurals, and I believe my hypnobirthing teacher when she says that she cannot promise a pain free birth, but, that my practice will be useful to face whatever turn my birth takes. So there are many classes and many approaches - Mongan wouldn't have suited me for the very reasons Running talks about. So I've lifted snippets from Mongan to blend with my own practice and prep and of course while I have been researching diamorphine and forceps.

Birth next month. Who knows what turn it will take? Pool and light moaning? Scenario A? Or 60 hours of sawing pain and an EMCS? Scenario Z? The best I can do I think is to rest and sleep well, know how to relax and breathe whatever happens on the day. So if you're doing hypnobirthing it's wise I think to do it with a mind as open as the beautiful open seas in the relaxation tapes.

Running, I feel treating it as traumatic stress and giving this the support it deserves will go a long long way yo help you, in a way an Internet forum cannot. You didn't fail. There are many routes to the same goal.

stairway · 11/09/2015 11:52

I understand what you are going through... Im wondering how to birth .. Or baby extract in the future. First baby was emsc for foetal distress. For my vbac I tried spinning babies to get Ds in the right position.
It worked but I still needed intervention due to feotal distress. I suppose the damage to me and him could have been worse if he had been in a bad position so I recommend you looking at that.
I think I will go for an elective next time because as soon as baby shows distress they will try and get baby out asap and this nearly always results in damage to the mother and I don't want anymore damage down there.
C sections damage the mother too.. But the damage is to the womb which is only an issue if you want more kids and obviously aesthetically the scar and tummy can look worse after a csection... But pelvic floor damage is minimised.

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