To ask everyone with children but unmarried to read MN facts on home page

[Patchworkpatty]

Following best friends horrendous split last year with her 'dp' . Together 25 yrs, 5 dcs . She facilitated his very high flying career. She always wanted to marry but he 'couldn't see the point for a piece of paper' sahm for 21yrs. He left for 32 yr old he met whilst on business in Dubai. Married her within 3 months giving bf no time to grieve. She had no entitlement to anything beyond cm for 3 dcs at home. ( others at uni) now has to rent her family home from ex which swallows all cm. he has re written history and she is 'lazy' for not yet having a job that supports them all. ( now works 40 hr week at local supermarket) please read MN/slater and Gordon facts on marriage vs living together. It should be part of national curriculum .

Is it relevant for Scottish couples?

We both have no money after bills so we'd both be buggered without each other :)

We have a joint mortgage. Both work. No savings or other assets.

The issue is not having children when you're unmarried.

The issue is becoming financially dependent on someone when you're unmarried.

Quite a bit different.

Quite. DP is screwed if we split up. I'm fine.

Yup

YY Thurlow

Yeah. What Thurlow said.

I earn considerably more than DP. I don't feel terribly exposed to be honest.

Marriage is not the issue,financial dependency is. My mother always told me to earn my own money no matter how small the amount.

The issue is becoming financially dependent on someone when you're unmarried

Yep this sums it up but it happens all the time.

Yes Thurlow is totally right.

It is certainly good advice to understand the legal position (or lack of) of cohabitants. I saw a reference to Scotland and thought it worth mentioning that Scotland has a different legislative landscape for cohabiting couples. Should the relationship end by reason of death or otherwise (!), then it is possible to raise an action for financial provision in the form of a capital sum. "Common law marriage" is as mythical as unicorns but if you are cohabiting in Scotland there is at least the possibility of financial provision at the end of a qualifying relationship. The relevant provisions of the statue (Family Law (Scotland) Act 2006) were written on the back of a soggy beer mat (or so it feels), there are several hurdles to clear (e.g. strict time limits for applications apply - 12 months after a separation, 6 months after the death of the other party) and there are a number of conflicting decisions emanating from our courts. Worth knowing about though!

It takes minutes to look up co habiting facts, I dont think it needs to be taught at school. It's common sense if you don't work and rely on another person that when that person goes the support goes too.

Boring - this is not new news.

I have a child with dp - we are unmarried but he earns less than me and is partially a sahd and so at similar risks. But we've talked about it. It is about being silly enough to let yourself be financially reliant on someone else without discussing consequences!

I'm sorry for your friend but she was naive.

And you are being unreasonable to suppose everyone who has a child with a dp not husband that they are financially dependant on them.

As a woman who earned a comparable salary to her ex and shared expenses and childcare 50:50, but neglected to have herself included on the deeds despite contributing large sums towards the mortgage, yanbu.

He could marry tomorrow and his wife be entitled to more than our son if anything were to happen. Me? I'm renting for ever.

Some very snotty replies here

Op you're right there are people who are vulnerable to this and don't know so yes, education is definitely important.

I agree with pp that financial dependency is the issue but it's not an individual one, it's a universal one. At least it is until such time as there is real choice about who takes leave after the birth of a child; the gender pay gap closes; women's careers and earnings stop nose diving when they give birth and when each child starts school. Plus all the other patriarchal stuff about women as primary carers, women's careers being sacrificed in favour of families and the simple fact that well paid, flexible jobs are like hens teeth and having children (which ensures continued economic and social viability and sustainability for a nation) is not valued.

Oh and did I mention the castigation if single parents (ie those left behind doing the hard graft) who are predominately women and the lack of proper sanctions and vilification for those who fail to support their own children? It should be socially unacceptable to produce a child and fail to support it and punishable by serious sanctions.

Scotland is different. I dont make much money compared to my other half, don't even have a bank account. We had a traditional Scottish wedding which is not recognised by UK law but if he dies or decides he's brave enough to leave then I'm covered with the houses and his pension and listed as beneficiary on all his stuff. This guideline stuff only really applies to England and Wales. We have family in Ireland and the laws are different there too.

We had a traditional Scottish wedding which is not recognised by UK law

Er, what?

The second I become financially dependent on DP or he becomes financially dependent on me, we'll nip to the registry office and get it done nice and quickly.

For now, while we're independent financially and would both be able to cope (and, hopefully, work things out like adults) if we were to split, we'll continue saving up for a wedding and wait until we feel ready.

I am not sure you are right about your situation sproketmx!

There have been numerous threads about this subject and so many people still think 'common law' exists.