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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

And over sensitive?

25 replies

Kittehmiauw · 09/09/2015 21:02

Best friend has form for being moody and lashing out. After she said something very unkind to me, we met up once more (celebratory occasion in her honour, so I couldn't really miss it and didn't want to) I cooled off a bit and didn't really keep in contact as such. She did the same which I was a bit confused about but understood (she has form for outbursts as I mentioned and won't really apologise as such).

Anyway the other day I decided to send a light hearted message to a close group of friends, her included. She has seen it but not replied. Given the amount of time that has passed, I'm a bit hurt that she would not bother to ask how I am too?

Aib stupid?

OP posts:
catfordbetty · 09/09/2015 21:03

Her problem. Don't make it yours.

CrapBag · 09/09/2015 21:06

YABU. You cut down on contact, presumably she noticed and did the same, you can't now complain that she hasn't jumped now you have included her in a message. You either want to be her friend or not (and it's fine if you dont) but don't piss her about.

Original poster
Kittehmiauw · 09/09/2015 21:09

Crapbag - I cut down on contact because she was very very unkind to me and didn't properly apologise. During this entire period she did not reach out and message me once. So it wasn't "ignoring" as such, I just didn't make the first move.

Now that i have - having given her space and indeed cooled off myself - I'm very hurt that she hasn't bothered to ask after me. Feel it is very one sided

OP posts:
Shockers · 09/09/2015 21:10

Is it one of those messages about how great you think she, and several other women are, and if she feels the same about her friends, she should pass it on to several more, including you?

If so, she's probably just not into that kind of thing.

If not, ignore me!

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/09/2015 21:11

Yeah, you do sound pretty sensitive tbh. Unless you're all 13.

Original poster
Kittehmiauw · 09/09/2015 21:12

Shockers no not at all, I hate those too. It was something like "God it's been ages, how's everyone doing, would be lovely to catch up soon" type messages

OP posts:
Original poster
Kittehmiauw · 09/09/2015 21:13

Oneday- 24 actually... Fair enough but we have been close for 6 years+ I guess I just feel a bit let down by her not being there for me, I will move on

OP posts:
KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 09/09/2015 21:15

She is repeatedly mean to you. Why do you want to be friends again? Confused

Original poster
Kittehmiauw · 09/09/2015 21:18

Ketchup - we have had some good times over the years and I know she is hurting and going through a rough patch. I was hoping that by giving her some space to work through her problems, she would remember how things used to be and it would re establish our friendship.

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DoJo · 09/09/2015 21:31

She's moody, lashes out, was unkind to you and hasn't apologised, yet failing to respond to a group message is the thing that has upset you? It doesn't sound like she's much of a friend.

Original poster
Kittehmiauw · 09/09/2015 21:40

Dojo, yes that's right. As I say it's more the longevity of the friendship that's keeping things going. And the knowledge that we've had good times in the past.

I just am confused as to what I am supposed to have done wrong I guess?? She's going through a hard time as I mentioned. Wanted to be there for her

OP posts:
Original poster
Kittehmiauw · 09/09/2015 22:32

Anyone have any more input?

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 09/09/2015 22:35

I think that not everyone feels an onus to respond to a group message speedily. And some people have trouble keeping in contact by message at all. If you are sure that she is worth the effort then maybe call her, or at least message her suggesting that you set a time to call?

kittehmiau · 09/09/2015 22:39

Thanks theycallme

Yes I think you're right. To be honest the group message is about as far as I want to stretch it for now. Reason being that she behaved badly to me in the first place, didn't apologise and then hasn't tried to actively keep in contact with me; I don't want to chase the friendship. But equally I don't want to let it go, which I why I messaged recently

I'm not sure what to do now though

SilverBirchWithout · 09/09/2015 22:47

It sounds like either she is not ready to rebuild your friendship yet, or whatever has happened between you is not able to be repaired in her opinion.

Alternatively a round robin message to a group of friends is not the best way to engage with her when you know she is going through a bad time. If you really do want to rebuild your friendship, leave it a few days and text her something on a one to one basis and see whether she responds to that.

MsTargaryen · 09/09/2015 22:48

YABU. Just because you are ready to be friendly or polite or whatever again doesn't mean she will be. I'd just leave it. You can't make someone be interested.

kittehmiau · 09/09/2015 22:50

Silverbirch, she was the one who was nasty to me though. So I think it's quite rich of her to decide that! it rankles that I've been put in that position because had I treated her in that way, I would have been at her door begging for forgiveness...

SilverBirchWithout · 09/09/2015 23:32

I had a friend who has been rude to me several times, I turned the other cheek and rebuilt bridges, although she didn't apologise. The last time she did it, I did not bother with her again. She is no longer a friend, her lose not mine.

Don't waste your time, friendship is a two-way street and if she is not prepared to respond to your olive branch there is not much you can do.

Fatmomma99 · 10/09/2015 00:22

It sounds to me like you are waiting for a "sorry" (or, at least an acknowledgement of what she did that hurt you - i.e. that you want her to clock to you that she knows she upset you and that she was out of order).

Is that right?

If I'm correct, I have lots of advice (most of it prob unhelpful) for all the scenarios, but I won't post more now unless you tell me I'm on the right track!

kittehmiau · 10/09/2015 00:28

Famomma - yes exactly!

In her defence I received an apology of sorts but it was halfarsed and by text... Confused Soon after, when I withdrew from the friendship, she basically just ignored me. A (proper!) apology would mean a lot, yeah Smile

kittehmiau · 10/09/2015 00:29

Thanks too silverbirch and others Flowers

SilverBirchWithout · 10/09/2015 19:49

I think friendships sometimes mean different things to people. To me loyalty and kindness are really important, I have been quite badly hurt a few times by people I have considered as friends, who don't share my sense of loyalty.

I have been on the receiving end of some quite frankly abysmal behaviour, being taken for granted or the assumption that good old placid Silver will tolerate behaviour/words because of my normal loyalty. Maybe I should shout or be rude back, but that really is not my nature and I hate rows. I have now adopted a three serious incidents and you are no longer considered a friend approach, it helps stop me feeling like a doormat.

My latest ex-friend has a fiery and unpredictable nature which is partly why we got on, chalk and cheese. Recently, after being great friends for 8 years, there has been a couple of outburst directed personally towards me, no apology and then behaving if nothing had happened. I suspect because this is how she is with many people she really doesn't see there is a problem. I needed some form of acknowledgement that she was in the wrong or regretted her rudeness towards me and it has destroyed any friendship, affection or loyalty I felt. We are now just civil, but nothing else.

Summerisle1 · 10/09/2015 19:55

I suspect that you are far more bothered by what has gone before than she is. You've basically withdrawn from the friendship and she's taken her cue from you. So she may well not see why she should suddenly start taking an interest again.

Original poster
kittehmiauw · 10/09/2015 20:22

Summerisle, thanks but friendship is a two way street I always think. She didn't message me once at all, ever, during this time to ask how I was. There have been times when she has been slow to respond etc and I would nevertheless message her... What I am trying to say is that why should the onus have been on me to message her? Given she behaved terribly. It is a two way thing

OP posts:
Original poster
kittehmiauw · 10/09/2015 20:23

Silverbirch - are you me?! Haha, I could have written your post... It's frustrating isn't it when you feel like the one who is always tolerant etc but you have a breaking point too!!!

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