aibu to be annoyed with dp's friendship ?

[dontknowwhattodo8]

Hi I'm wondering if I'm being ott about this. I'll try and keep it short.So my dp has a female friend who he used to work with, she doesn't work there anymore. He apparently became close with her when he started but since has also become close with her new bf who also works with him. She started their relationship whilst she worked there. He never really spoke about her but I knew about her bf as he talks regularly about him and talks on the phone in front of me with him. He has been out as a group with a few people from work including these two on a few occasions and this is how i learned about her as I saw pictures of them. I have to add that my dp is a flirty outgoing person.
Anyways, to the point, one day i was driving behind him (going home as picked up kids from his mums and he met us there in his car from work) in separate cars but his bluetooth connected to my car and I heard a female voice-hers but I didn't know initially. She put the phone down as the connection was bad and I didn't speak as I was shocked that he was talking to a female (it was nearly midnight) He immediately called me to tell me he was going to the shop, do i want anything? (an excuse as we were round the corner from our house and he obv wanted to continue convo). I confronted him about the female to which he replied it was his friend. I don't think this is appropriate because of the time and also she doesn't even work with him anymore and is apparently dating his close friend from work. Anyways I kinda left it as i didn't want to come across as some bunny boiler but i let him know i didn't think it was appropriate. but since then a few months down the line he let me see his phone and there was a text from him saying 'I think you're such an amazing person x" or something along those lines. He told me he said it because she congratulated him on pay rise even though her bf didn't get one and is annoyed at me as he thinks i'm overreacting. Can i add that he never talks about female friends to me or in front of me and now all of a sudden as I've seen/heard something she's a really close friend of his. If i had a male friend from work who had a family at home i wouldn't think it appropriate to call at midnight. aibu? sorry for being so long.

Tbh I am on the fence.

It's odd that he isn't mentioning her in front of you. However given that you don't think he should be friends with her as they don't work together, maybe he knew it would cause issues.

He still shouldn't have hidden it, but most people have omitted information at some point.

In general I think Yabu to be annoyed he has female friends. I have also text compliments to make friends. They are my friends, no matter what genitals they have.

There's no proof that something is going on, but yes late night phone calls and that text are weird. I think it sounds dodgy.

Also sometimes it is ok to call late at night. I have friends that I call at 11pm and later.

Tbh some people may think having your kids out at nearly midnight is a bit odd and not something they would do. Doesn't mean it bad, iyswim

thanks for your replies! Tbh he does take calls late at night but funnily its never females in front of me. There was another time I 'caught' him whispering down the phone when I had gone to bed, again around midnight, calling the person on the other end 'baby'. This was apparently a different female work colleague, one who I hadn't heard of until then. Maybe I have paranoia because of this? Maybe he feels funny telling me things because of this? i don't know but all I know is that I don't think I would act in this way as a taken woman- I wouldn't want to lead anyone on. Again perhaps I'm being unreasonable but that doesn't sit right with me and I know for a fact if I was doing the same to him he wouldn't like it either even though he said he would have been fine with it. Spartan, do you call male friends in the middle of the night, ones your dp hasn't even heard of? and as for taking kids out at midnight, it isn't a regular occurrence and it was in the holidays but I see what you mean.

I don't think you are being unreasonable because I think I'd be feeling a bit weird about it too. I have many male friends but I'd never call them late at night or hide them from DH.

I'm always at how many threads start with something ambiguous, and then the OP drops in something far worse in a later post!

I have male work friends that I chat to socially.

I would be extremely concerned if I caught my husband whispering "baby" into his phone late at night.

I'm deeply suspicious of him for that.

Yabu and Yabu again for the drip feed.

lol sorry I thought my post was long enough as it is! Its very frustrating as he believes that his behaviour is normal and healthy for a relationship. Don't get me wrong I too believe there can be friendships of opposite sex I just think you have to be careful not to cross the line to flirting and leading the other person on. And it is the fact that I never heard of them until I 'catch' him. If he made it obvious they were friends and spoke freely in front of me, why should i be annoyed? His excuse was that was how they talk in his work and he even calls his male friends babe. Is there a difference between babe and baby- to me it seems more personal. and tbh its not how he usually talks, well to me anyways- and I've known him for 9 years!

Have you ever heard him call a male friend or colleague babe or baby?

No, thought not.

Definitely something odd.

My initial thought was are you sure that do is speaking to bf, or could he be speaking to female friend.

Also, it seems suspicious that he suddenly wanted to go to the shops. If the conversation was innocent, he could have carried on home.

The whispering baby conversation is also odd.

Unfortunately, in this say and age, people do make business calls late at night ( my husband often receives texts at 9pm)

Is he having an emotional relationship with any of these women?

Maybe you need to wait and watch. It's horrible to snoop, but maybe have a peek at his phone. Maybe he is just being the friendly guy from work, but maybe it's something more.

nope. exactly!
well he finally conceded that it could look bad but since then is the newest 'you are an amazing person' text and god knows how else he talks to everyone else. I am not a controlling person nor do i want to change someone but do i just accept how he is as I'm being unreasonable (as some of you have said) i don't know! basically aibu to ask him to not talk in such ways to other females and keep me in the loop if he does have friends? how would you deal with this? thanks.

Why don't you suggest a night out with his work colleagues plus partners? Then you'll get to meet them ( and observe their relationship with him).

Maybe ask him about his work and see that will elicit more information? Get into the habit of talking about your work days.

Sorry, not much help.

YANBU I think it's really suspect, especially him calling someone 'baby' that's just wrong!

Listen to what your gut instinct is telling you, as it's usually right

Ah well whispering down the phone and calling another woman baby is very odd. Much worse than the info in your OP.

If it was me I would tell him how it made me feel that he hides it. I would also tell he needs to stop justifying it and shut up while I talk. I would also ask why he hides his female friendships if it is just that.

What I would do after would depend on his response. If he actually listens and acknowledges his behaviour and the impact it's having on you and the reason he feels the need to sneak about.

Not sure what valid reason he has for calling a female friend baby though. That definitely over steps the mark!