Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit pissed off?

19 replies

TurquoiseCat · 09/09/2015 13:30

not been on MN for
Ages, but feel in need for a bit of a rant!

So DBil and his GF live close-ish (about an hour away). They come over to our area every two/three weeks to see parents on both sides, but they haven't bothered to come and see us (me, DH and 2yo DD) since Xmas (and in fact that was at DPil house). I didn't realise they were over so often until very recently.

The other week, DPil went over to DBil house for a pub meal in celebration of DFil's birthday. We were not invited.

There's been no falling outs and we get on well when we do see each other - i know we could go to them, but as Sundays are the only day we could go and DBil works shifts, we can't just go unannounced.

I won't say anything in real life to DMil as it would become a Thing. And I can't be bothered with Drama, but AIBU at the lack of effort on their part?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/09/2015 13:32

If you all get on well and there are no Ishoos, then YANBU.

But. Are there hidden issues? Do they either not like toddlers, or are desperate for their own and haven't managed to have one yet? (Both good reasons for not wanting to visit you and your 2yo)

I think however that the pub meal in celebration of your FIL's birthday, that was rude to exclude you - unless again it was because of the 2yo.

I think you might need to get your DH to talk to his brother about this.

DoJo · 09/09/2015 13:35

but as Sundays are the only day we could go and DBil works shifts, we can't just go unannounced.

But surely you could arrange a time to see them or invite them over to yours? It sounds as though neither of you are bothering with the other, so I'm not sure how it's entirely their fault.

I won't say anything in real life to DMil as it would become a Thing.

Why would you say anything to your MIL rather than speaking to the people you are actually complaining about? I don't really understand the issue here.

KitKat1985 · 09/09/2015 13:39

I think YABU a bit. It sounds like you haven't been to them either (yes I know you couldn't just turn up on Sunday if DBil works shifts, but it's not like you couldn't just call or text them and ask if you could pop over first). It sounds like a lack of effort on both of your parts TBH.

Hellocampers · 09/09/2015 13:40

Er as them to your house for a cuppa. Can't see they are behaving any differently to you to be honest.

Original poster
TurquoiseCat · 09/09/2015 13:50

There's an open house policy for all family - they all know they can come over whenever they want for tea (and biscuits if I haven't scoffed them all)! This is an invite that has been repeated often, so they are aware that is an option.

They are both early 40's - no children through choice. They have always seemed to enjoy DD when they have seen her, and came on a whole family holiday last year with us, so I don't think it's not liking toddlers (which is a sentiment I can understand)!

It's just feels like a bit of a difference in effort between a couple who are already in the area to getting a potty training 2yo to a strange house.

I talk about most things with MIL, just not this obviously.

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 09/09/2015 13:56

Hang on, are you actually saying you think they should be the ones to make the effort to come to you rather than vice versa because you have a 2 year old? I could sympathise if you had a new born but I think your DD is old enough now that you could equally make the effort too.

MummaGiles · 09/09/2015 13:56

If they aren't parents they may not realise how hard it is to transport a toddler. And if they are over visiting both sets of parents they just may not have time to fit you in too. It's hard to juggle two sides of the family in the same area - I know from experience - and something somewhere has to give. Maybe hold out an olive branch and try to arrange something concrete rather than assuming they will take you up on the open door policy?

noiwontstoptalking · 09/09/2015 13:57

I hate open house invites. I generally only go where specifically invited.

Why don't you phone and say 'when are you next coming through? Fancy coming to ours ours about 3pm for coffee?

Re fils birthday surely your DH has some conversation with his Dad along the lines of what would you like to do for your birthday?'

SaucyJack · 09/09/2015 13:58

Why don't you ring them up and arrange a family pub meal for the next time time they're in the area?

Sounds like six of one, half a dozen of the other to me in all honesty.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 09/09/2015 14:04

I think YABU. You could arrange to visit them.

But I think they were a bit rude not to invite you all to the birthday meal. Perhaps they thought your PILs would invite you since it was to celebrate their event?

CJCreggsmyhero · 09/09/2015 14:07

Be careful what you wish for.

I loathe open house arrangements, just doesn't sit well with me. And as much as some people delight in having 2yo potty training kids about, even I would rather eat with just grown ups.

Invite them over for specific meal and specific time, if they ignore or repeatedly decline there's an issue

Original poster
TurquoiseCat · 09/09/2015 14:11

I see what you're all saying about effort - and effort will be made on our part. Maybe not to the level of getting 10 people to Spain. That was too much effort on my part - I needed a damn holiday from the holiday!

I'm not saying they should make all the effort, but that I am slightly pissed off with their lack of it. I don't think a normal human being would fail to see the difference between the two circumstances (them already here, us not having any reason to go there except to invite ourselves over)? Although I'm very probably not normal, so my opinion might not count...!

Am I really being that unreasonable to think that liking the occasional pic on FB and never actually seeing the child is not exactly being part of your only niece's life?

OP posts:
noiwontstoptalking · 09/09/2015 14:17

Tbf I don't understand why you don't just pop to your pils while they are visiting there.

One two year old isn't that big a deal to organise.

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 09/09/2015 14:27

Maybe they prefer seeing PIL by themselves? I don't see what's wrong with that, I hate Brady bunch behaviour.

Just invite them over.

Original poster
TurquoiseCat · 09/09/2015 14:50

Well they are now invited to DDs 3rd birthday party in three weeks time. We'll see how it progresses.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 09/09/2015 16:11

perfect! Open house/just pop in people often get offended when non-poppers don't just pop in - I'd prefer an actual invite. If they come to DD's party, then say to BIL/SIL that you'd love to see more of them and can they let you know when they're next over to see PIL as you'd be happy for them to pop in for a cuppa or you could come over to see PIL at the same time.

confusedandemployed · 09/09/2015 16:18

I'm a parent of a potty training toddler and I haven't noticed any difficulties transporting her anywhere Confused

I also think YAB a bit U. Open house is all very well, but a specific invite is much more direct, unambiguous and personal.

Original poster
TurquoiseCat · 09/09/2015 16:36

I do see the non-appeal of open house-ness for some people. It's just the feeling that we're not even on their radar that sucks.

OP posts:
noiwontstoptalking · 09/09/2015 20:58

Cat why don't you see if you can get your SIL aside for a few minutes at your DD's party and say that you miss them and would like to see them more?

What about suggesting an adults only evening out to dinner and get pils to babysit?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page