WIBU ? Told DD that if her behaviour doesn't improve I'm taking all her toys away!

[Fizzielove]

So childminder tells me DD behaviour was the worst it's ever been the other day. I didn't shout, but told her I'd had enough of her not listening and not doing as she's told. Told her that if she does not behave I would empty her bedroom of all toys and dressing up outfits. She's almost 5 and needs to listen and not just carry on doing what she fancies!

So WIBU??

Has she just started school?

whattheblazes - we all know children can be trying - I'd imagine most of us have them. But this is a punishment that might make the OP feel better but will have zero impact on the DD's behaviour. Because she's too young to associate having her toys taken away with punching her brother 5 hours earlier. If anything, drastic punishments like this are going to make her behaviour worse because where do you go after that?

Whatever you've been doing so far (I'm assuming sanctions) isn't working clearly. So do something else.

Poor child.Poor you.She is being labelled bad and you are being made the enforcer. Get a better cm.

Please tell me what other sanctions I can try please? We've tried talking to her, shouting as well but nope doesn't make a button of difference. We've tried time outs. We've tried taking a toy. We've tried no dancing class. Other than this drastic action I'm at a loss as what will get through?

Have you tried rewarding good behaviour at all? Has the cm? What makes you say the cm is 'brilliant'?

Ex cm here, she's only 4, you've not said if she's just started school, you've given us very little information on the cm.

When you talked to her did you ask her dd about why she's doing this? Had 1-1 time with her? Asked her how she's feeling when this behaviour occurs?

Also, is this behaviour only at the cm's ?

I really sympathize. Have you tried having a "time-in"? Try googling Andrea Nair, she is an amazing resource.

I did a great parenting course. I was despairing of DD. Now, at almost 5 her behaviour, and more importantly my reaction to it, is massively better.

Things that worked:

Really listening to her. Properly, with respect for her feelings.
Really trying to name emotions properly and help her to.
Natural consequences. Something gets broken - sucks. Goes out without a coat - gets cold.

No gushy praise. Solid 'thanks' when she does something thoughtful.
Acknowledging HER happiness when she tries hard at something.
Ask for the positive (gentle with your brother) rather than asking for a privative (don't hit your brother). Then they can be thanked for the positive rather than only punished for the privative.

Age appropriate expectations. DD couldn't sit still and be quiet at 3 still can't at 4. So asking her to meant she 'failed' and I got angry. Better to ask for small steps and use humour to get what you want.

What age is her brother is he older or younger ? When she hits im i would send her to a chair or somewhere just to calm down little conversation as possible its probably the same idea as time in , have a hands to yourself rule (easier said than done) positive reinforcement (again easier said than done) when she acts out try and give as little reaction as possible so she isnt getting loads of attention kids soak up good or bad attention , kids were send totry us its bloody hard

I think you were unreasonable. I agree with PP who said that whatever discipline the childminder used at the time would have been ample and I don't think it helps to punish a young child so long after the event.

I would have spoken to your DD about what happened with CM and why it wasn't acceptable but wouldn't have taken it further than that.

FWIW I think taking all of ger toys away is quite extreme and unrealistic in any case. Are you really going to take every single toy away from her for bad behaviour? I doubt it, then she will learn that your threat has no real substance. Use something that is easy to follow through with and that she can "reverse" with good behaviour. Eg. Take one toy away for one day, if she is good for the rest of the day give it back. If she repeats bad behaviour add another day on.

I have done this before, but it was a totally different situation. I'd asked them to help tidy their toys away so I could clean. They refused. I asked again and again, told them etc. I'm talking about ten toys with specific instructions (that one here etc). Then I said if they didn't do it I would pack all of their toys away. DS just say there and told me to pack the toys away. So I did. It worked, they are now always more willing to help tidy up.

BUT I certainly wouldn't be doing it for not listening/bad behaviour at school/at child minders. Hitting here is immediate time out, irrespective of who started it. How old is her brother? Does he fight back? I tell them why they are in time out when it starts and then ask them why they are there before they come out. Ask if they prefer it when the other is crying or when they are playing nicely together. It's not kind, do they like it if someone hits them etc.

DS gets a star for his chart if I have a good report from his teacher. Then when he has 15 he can choose from a couple of toys. Could you try the same with the CM?

When you say "we've tried x,u,z" do you mean you and your CM?

Does she behave like this at home or is just at the CMs?

If you take all her toys away then how can she demonstrate 'being good' she will be bored and frustrated and more likely to be angry with the brother she will see as the cause of her problems.
She needs some positive reinforcement of good behaviour as well as sanctions for bad and the cm can't be that good if she is unable to manage a 5 year old.

what to try? +reinforcement. Good suggestions above.

here's what fatmomma had to say to another parent stuck on punishments-invent rewards not punishments.