Insecure

[london13]

My partner of 2 years works away sometimes and I am really insecure, basically that he will meet someone else To help, we set up a plan that he would call me at certain times eg 6pm and at bedtime. He is basically not keeping to this and it makes me really anxious .I am insecure which is the root of the problem Am I being pathetic getting anxious when he doesn't phone when he said he will etc

Yes. Unless he doesn't contact you at all and avoids your calls while he's away.

Is there a reason he can't speak at that time? I know that when my husband works away he doesn't know his schedule until he's there so can't commit to calling at a certain time. Before our daughter was born we had a rule that if either of us were away we'd contact somehow (usually text) every 24 hours. We now Skype because of the baby.

If he's going to cheat (not saying he is) he will anyway, whether he calls or not. Unless he has form for cheating you need to work on trusting him.

Honestly, I couldn't be with someone who needed me to call at prescribed times to "prove" I wasn't cheating. It's meaningless and smothering. Why don't you trust him?

Is he to call you twice per evening at 6pm and at bedtime? If so, YABU.

On the other hand, if he agreed to those times, and is not sticking to them for whatever reason, YANBU.

Hi OP, can I ask if there is a reason you don't trust him? Has he or a previous partner cheated on you before?

I can't personally relate as I've never felt as you do, but I can't imagine it's doing your health or your relationship any good to worry-no doubt unnecessarily-about this. Are you anxious generally or is it just about this? Maybe speaking to your GP might help, they could perhaps refer you for some counselling to help you get to the route of why you feel the way you do?

In tje nicest possible way, yes you are being unreasonable, but obviously not intentionally so. When you are away on corporate trips there is a lot of entertaining to do with clients, dinner and drinks etc so it's not always going to be feasible for him to call at say 10pm every night as ge may still be 'working'.

I think you need to have a really honest and open conversation with him about how you feel and why, and try to work on these feelings before they damage your relationship.

Best of luck OP, I really hope you get it sorted and get some peace of mind soon

I've got an XH like you. Well actually a million times worse. He used to ring me up at my work placement and accuse me of shagging the manager, accused me of shagging my New Deal advisor etc. You'll drive him away if you don't get help with this. Cut him some slack, he's away working.

If I had to call twice a day to prove I wasn't with someone else I'd be leaving that relationship. Sorry yabu.
You need to work on your insecurity.

I thought this seemed familiar and so it proved to be. You posted this exact same scenario a year ago. Are you really expecting us to believe you've been carrying on like this for that long? Your poor partner must be demented with it all.

Dang, you're right FarFrom. And again earlier this year. Poor bloke!

time for counselling, OP. seriously. get yourself some help.

You know you are bu and need some counseling to get to the root of the insecurity. How long have you been with your dp?

Oh dear, it seems you've felt like this for over a year if your two year relationship, that's ray not good. Definitely time for counselling although if you've seemingly never trusted him, perhaps it's time to call it a day and end the relationship. Carrying on like this is just awful for both of you.

sorry for typos I'm feeding the baby

I could not live my life according to your insecurities OP. In the kindest possible way, I would resent having to baby you along this way. It is one thing to have daily contact, but quite another to structure it in such a rigid, duty bound manner. My autonomy is very important to me.

My sincere advice is to seek outside help for your anxiety. It is unfair to make this your partner's responsibility. He is not equipped to manage you and nor should he be expected to. This will end up making you both miserable. Please take action and seek counselling. Good luck. xx

Even if your partner called you every day at the agreed times, you would still be anxious.
You would start thinking he was up to something in between those times anyway.
It is not his fault if you are insecure so you need to spend some time getting help for your anxiety and insecurity.
If he was going to meet someone else, he would, whether you were worried or not, whether he called you or not.
I know it is difficult for you and not something you can just stop but try to get help.

YABVU to expect him to call you at set times. What if he falls asleep or is in the shower or watching TV? Does he have to put everything on hold to ring you?

Daily contact is fine - be it a text or phonecall or e-mail, but not at set times. That's far too restrictive for both of you.

Yabu

I don't think it unreasonable to agree a time to make contact, otherwise a lot of time can be wasting trying to get hold of a person when their life has a different rhythm. I find it hard not to get anmoyed when I can't get hold of DH if we have made an agreement. Trust is entirely separate to this.

If my partner demanded I call him at specific times I wouldn't be with him. I would probably call at different times just to be petty lol.
If he's going to cheat nothing you do will stop him. I would advise you to end it and work on your trust issues. It sounds too controlling and intense.

You need to seek professional help & fast before this poor bloke comes to his senses & runs for the hills.

Yes, I echo others, you need to get some help for yourself. I can tell you a success story about this type of behavior though.

My DH is a plastic surgeon as is his work partner, they travel frequently, now I have never had this kind of issue thankfully, but the work partners wife was another issue. Obviously due to the nature of their job (looking at boobs, touching boobs, endless boob related/body related stuff) it can flare up some jealousy for some people with insecurities. Also the fact that many of the women they work with are already young and very beautiful didn't help, and PS's get hit on a lot and they're making an "ideal body" and all that business. Anyway, she went on like this, it nearly broke them up after she flew somewhere to "confront" him and it was all very intense, but then, she had some CBT with a therapist (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and she is a hundred times better, she really is, they are now happy and she has remained in this stable state for a year or so now, it all stemmed back to her childhood and fears of being abandoned for "someone better" etc, they worked on her thought processes and she is fine now.

On another note, anxiety is propelled by safety seeking/reassurance behaviors, what you're experiencing is exposure so it's normal that you become agitated, but in the long run, a regimented regime of him calling on the dot will actually make it worse.

You CAN address this with a professional and move on with your relationship or you can leave, the choice is yours. Good luck with it all .

I had an ex like you. He's an ex because of this