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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset at this (DM related)?

53 replies

CocktailQueen · 08/09/2015 07:55

Got back from hols 2 weeks ago. Big trip, v exciting (to us!). Spoke to Dm the day after we got back and she was dismissive, very 'we've been there. Seen that' so I felt deflated. Haven't rung her since.

DD started new school last week and ds went back to school yesterday - no call/email/text from DM or DDad (but DM usually contacts us).

Dm rang last night and asked how everything was. I said I felt hurt that she didn't listen to me and didn't seem interested in the dc. (My dsis lives close to Dm and Ddad and they see a lot of her dc). Dm said she had no idea and that she was sorry, treats us the same, etc.

I was crying on the phone to dm last night and then ddad came on phone to talk to me. First thing he said was, how was your holiday? I just said, it was 2 weeks ago!! (Thought: If you were interested then maybe you could have rung then?) Put down phone, upset.

AIBU? Am I over-reacting? There is a history of dm not listening, this isn't the first occurrence. Not sure whether I'm being pathetic here or not. I don't feel listened to. I don't think dm thins as much of my dc as she does of her other gc. And that makes me feel bad.

Feel sad for the dc that their only GPs didn't give enough of a toss to ring them and wish them good luck for school too. We live 500 miles apart and saw DPs for a week at start of school hols, after they'd come back from holiday, and they were full of their holiday and talked about it a lot when we saw them. Which is fair enough. But I'd like the same courtesy too.

Advice? We don't usually talk about things in our family, just sweep them under the carpet, but I would like to deal with this in an adult way and move on. Worried I might feel uncomfortable on phone to them from now on - they pretending to be interested in what we're doing because I've told them they're not interested enough?

OP posts:

Tiggeryoubastard · 08/09/2015 08:58

You're extremely U and highly strung. You need to grow up.

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 08:59

Suggest you might need to grow a thicker skin, OP. You're upset because your parents didn't gush over your kids going back to school after the summer holidays?!

PotteringAlong · 08/09/2015 08:59

So you DID want lots of people agreeing with you? Telling you you were right to be upset, etc?

Pidapie · 08/09/2015 09:01

I'm sorry but you seem to make yourself more upset than what you need to be, it's not nice when people say you are unreasonable if you genuinely feel you are not, but that's the nature of AIBU. I understand you feel sad, but I think you're putting too much weight and expectation on something that, in the long course of life, is not such a big deal. Sending you a calm hug x

rainbowunicorn · 08/09/2015 09:05

You need to get a grip and grow up OP. Holiday conversations are fairly boring to be honest and I don't think my parents have ever phoned for going back to school.
Like others have said your Dad did ask about your holiday when he next spoke to you but that wasn't right either.
Even if someone was to ask about my holiday I reply by saying lovely thanks, had a nice relaxing/fun time, weather was good. That is about it as I don't want to bore people with all the detail. They ask out of politeness not because they actually want to know.

Thelushinthepub · 08/09/2015 09:06

I think I know how you feel. I think the bond with parents is, deep down, such an emotional one, no matter how casually it appears day to day that sometimes things build up into a very emotional response.

Years ago I ended up crying over the phone to my dad over something a bit silly to do with my sister and us not being treated the same. I was stressed at work and in my private life beyond belief and it all built up. Such a sad time. These things can be excused.

However if you're usually a drama queen this doesn't apply to you

OneDay103 · 08/09/2015 09:06

Your kids were going BACK to school not the first time they were starting school, so to be so upset about not asking after them is hugely dramatic. And to put the phone down was rude. You sound really hard work, from your pov they probably don't know what issue you will have with them next.
And now you're more upset that no one is flaming your parents too.

RhodaBull · 08/09/2015 09:11

It's bizarre posting on AIBU when you refuse to listen to people, the vast majority of whom think you are being a bit OTT with the outrage about your dm.

My dm was bad at listening to some things - namely health and especially holidays. Her level of interest began and ended at, "Did you get a meal on the plane?" I must say that other people's holidays are quite boring, and if you've been there yourself, doubly boring.

Also, unfortunately, distance does make it difficult to engage fully in your dcs/dgs' lives, and experience every excitement/disappointment/triumph in the same way as if they were living down the road (as you say your dsis does).

I would ring up and apologise and tell the truth - say you were disappointed they didn't seem to be interested in the dd's first day at school and that's what made you fly off the handle. I'm sure they will be keen to make amends.

GooseberryJam · 08/09/2015 09:11

I have consciously different expectations of my parents these days. They're retired and have much less going on than me, so they're likely to go on for half an hour on the phone about a holiday or even a visit to the dentist in a way I would never do. I keep my stories shorter and they've come to expect that. Also they just don't get interested in the same stuff as me. However, they have been great and supportive parents for many years and so I accept this as just part and parcel of old age because I know they love me. I suspect this may not be the case with you. What's your relationship with them been like over time? Have you always felt your sister gets more attention?

I do think you over reacted on the phone but as a pp said, there must be something behind that.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 08/09/2015 09:11

It looks like you came here to validate how you are feeling and that hasn't worked out. Why not listen to what people are saying and think about whether maybe you have possibly over reacted?
Surely it is better to have over reacted than to be told that your parents are arseholes?

SoupDragon · 08/09/2015 09:13

To those saying IABU, try reading all my original post.

So this isn't an AIBU it's IANBU. OK.

Perhaps repost in the relationships topic which would be more appropriate.

msgrinch · 08/09/2015 09:19

yabu. Crying because they weren't more interested in your holiday is a massive over reaction.

sparechange · 08/09/2015 09:22

You went on a short haul holiday, you didn't climb everest. I'm not sure I would ever expect my family to ring me up and ask all about it. A 'how was it' in passing, but it isn't an event or an achievement to get back from holiday.

Is it usual for you to get so upset and tearful over things like this? Is there an underlying issue?

Original poster

CocktailQueen · 08/09/2015 09:22

Oh, FFS! I said that (a) my parents spoke at length about their holiday. Wouldn't it be usual to want to hear about ours if they expected us to be so interested in theirs?

And (b) dd was starting a new school, in a different town. Which is a big deal. To us.

(c) I said there is a history of dm not listening. (d) I'm emotional about dd starting grammar as it was a big decision for her/all of us. That's probably all contributed. I am open to the possibility that IABU, but perhaps should have posted on Relationships for less 'robust' advice.

Thanks to Gooseberry, Rhoda, Lush, Bullshit for helpful posts.

Off to get a grip.

OP posts:

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 09:25

Yes, it may be a big deal to you, but surely you must realise that something as mundane as your child going back to school (new or not) isn't a big deal to anyone other than you?

Honestly, people manage to pack their kids off to school every year without expecting to be gushed with praise from their family for doing so. Why are you so different?

Shutthatdoor · 08/09/2015 09:30

perhaps should have posted on Relationships for less 'robust' advice.

TBH on this occasion I think you would have received the same advice.

paulapompom · 08/09/2015 09:30

OP I think you would be better off in relationships, as think the back story is crucial here. If you think you and dsis and especially dgc get different treatment then anything that confirms that to you is going to cause a huge emmotional reaction.

I think the positives are that your dm said she was sorry you felt upset and that ddad came on the phone to talk. Lots of posts in the stately homes thread deal with grown up children feeling that they are valued less/treated differently.

Please don't let this all fester, I think it could be resolved with some calm honest conversations, which might be difficult but need to happen.

I think yanbu to feel how you do, but yabu if you don't try to resolve this x

Funinthesun15 · 08/09/2015 09:32

Which is a big deal. To us.

You have to accept that just because something is 'still big deal' to you, it doesn't automatically default to it being a big deal for everyone else, even if they are family.

Maybe your DM has something major going on in her life at the moment too. Have you thought about that possibility?

isupposeitsverynice · 08/09/2015 09:38

Well I don't think you are being terribly unreasonable. Childish to put the phone down, yes maybe, but we all have moments we're not proud of - and anyway better to hang up than have a screaming row that just makes things worse. I can't see how anyone can't see that it must be crap to feel like your parents aren't interested in you and your kids. I think people are being deliberately blind to the nuance of this, especially the bit about your daughter starting a new school - if any of my friends or family members had a child starting at a new school of course I'd ask about it. You take an interest in the lives of the people you care about. It's a fairly major part of any relationship, surely? I think you have had an unfair bashing on this thread OP.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 08/09/2015 09:47

Id agree PIL favour DN`s over our DC its annoying. You feel sad for the kids. My mom would ring to see if we got back ok. They sound rude, and you got worked up about it.

maidename · 08/09/2015 10:00

My mum is dead, dad lives in another continent and only rings me when he wants money, never remembers my kids birthdays, might remember mine. My husbands parents are not interested and have never met my kids. My siblings all live in other countries....... Not Diminishing your situation just want you to see it could be a whole lot worse and I would love to have your problems. Maybe a bit of perspective helps!

WeirdCatLadySaysFuckOffJeffrey · 08/09/2015 10:53

To be honest, your dm may be switching off from you because you sound like hard work. Of course your holiday and new schools are big important things to you but to other people they really aren't that big.

And I would have said the same no matter where you posted.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/09/2015 12:08

Honestly, I'd be completely baffled if I was on the receiving end of this. Somewhat upset that I'd inadvertently upset you but would find it a bizarre "issue" and I would gently humour you. I might take it on board that you are feeling slightly neglected but would honestly wonder how to change things from 500 miles away.

I think you have to face up to the fact that they do live 500 miles away and of course they will be closer to GC that live on their doorstep. It's not personal though, just life. By all means try to make things better, skype more regularly, get the kids to take up letter writing, visit/invite them more often but it will never be the same as the relationships built from GP's that pop by when they are passing.

Spartans · 08/09/2015 12:35

I think you need to calm down. Your kids going to school is obviously stressing you out.

I think you resent them living so far away. Did they move to be near your sister?

If not and you moved away, you cant really blame them that they are not that involved in your life and more involved in your sisters life. You can't also expect them to be mind readers and know you are stressed when they are not part of everyday life.

I wouldn't expect anyone to be interested in my holiday apart from 'did you have a good time' I email my mum photos when we get home and don't even ask if she has looked at them.

Yabu to put the phone down when he asked about the holiday. You know you were. It sounds like your mum and dad were trying to be understanding and after complaining to them, they tried and you threw it back at them.

It's going to be eaiser to move forward if you accept ou havent handled this grear and sort it out.

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2015 12:45

Definitely OTT reaction.

My sisters children returned to school yesterday and I'm 100% sure my parents didn't phone to ask how it went. Nor did I. I'm pretty sure my sister isn't upset and crying over it though well, I hope not

When my parents go on holiday I don't necessarily ring to ask how it went and nor do I expect them to ring straight away to ask how my holidays are. It's such a non-event in the grand scale of things.

However, although on the surface of thing I do you think you over reacted YANBU to feel as upset as you are, nobody can control their emotions. There is obviously a long history of issues which probably justify your strong feelings so don't place to much strength on the responses you have received. We've only been given a snapshot of your life in the OP and so whilst to us you may seem to be a little precious I'm sure things go a lot deeper than that

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