To think my DD's DP (both in their 20s) should talk to us when they visit?

[FloraDiesEarly]

My DD lives a few hours away so we see her and her DP every few months or so when they come and stay. He'll answer questions if he's spoken to, but otherwise doesn't really say anything and never gets up to help with anything (serving food, doing dishwasher etc). We don't expect him to, but it would be nice to offer, no? The rest of the time he just sits somewhere and sometimes goes on his phone.

I've posted in AIBU for the traffic but I just want any advice or opinions.
Does he hate us or is he just really shy? Has anyone had this before? It hasn't happened with our other children's DPs.

My Mum used to call one of my BFs Richard III because he used to recoil in horror and hunch his shoulders when spoken to. He was painfully shy and hated engaging with people.

Does he seem kind to her and a decent sort? In which case, leave well alone. If he seems like a shit who is expecting everyone to skivvy around him, that's different.

I used to be like this around my DH's (large and close-knit) family. I didn't offer to help at first because I was very shy and was frightened of getting in the way. It could be that (or he could be a lazy ass). Maybe address him directly and get him to help - "Oh, Derek, could you be a love and bring the plates into the kitchen?" etc. Might help him feel part of things (and if he drags his feet you know he's probably just being lazy)

He's probably shy, give him a break. Ten's suggestion is what I'd do.

Maybe he's just shy and uneasy around people?

Give him a chance. Really make an effort to involve him in conversations and draw him out of himself. Be persistently friendly and kind, and don't let him sit alone in a corner. Ask him directly to help with things, in a warm friendly way, until he realises what's expected. Maybe he's worried he'll get under your feet or do it wrong, or just isn't used to being in a family environment.

I have been with dh 15 years and still feel awkward around pil. We don't see them much, dh isn't entirely comfortable with them either.

I offer to help now, but I remember at first I had no idea what the right thing to do was. I know they think I am a bit funny. I think they expected I wouls slide right in and always feel comfortable. I just don't.

Thanks for your replies.
I think he is a nice person and just shy around us. Myself and both DDs can be quite loud with each other when we're altogether so that's probably a bit full on.

Though the lazy thing might be true too - when we go stay with them I often end up cooking and they would both let me clear up too if I didn't stop myself and leave them to do it.

You have to stop cooking and clearing up when you go there. Yes, if they cook you can clear away, but step out of mum mode when you go there and treat them like adults.

Love the Richard III reference.

Imperial I read OP's post as it's the DD and DP coming to stay with her parents, ie OP and her DP?

It sounds as if he's either very shy or perhaps quite immature? That's how many teenagers would behave but if he's in his mid-20s I'd expect him to be a bit more sociable with his "inlaws" and with family in general. Maybe he isn't very serious about the relationship with your DD?

You cook for them at their own house?! Bugger that!

My mum and MIL did the washing up when we had them over at Christmas, but they did insist, and I was lazy pregnant. But I wouldn't have let either of them come over and run around after me like that.

Oops, I missed OP's update - I agree, don't do the cooking and cleaning when you stay with them!

Stupid suggestion but have you brought it up with your DD? I was very shy with my PIL when I first went to stay as I'd never had an adult relationship with any PIL iyswim (as opposed to teenage years which are different!)

No I haven't brought it up with DD yet as I thought he might get better as he got used to us, but now a year+ on, he's just the same so I think I will have to.

He's shy around his girlfriend's parents, in my experience more of my boyfriends were somewhat shy towards my parents than weren't. I agree with the earlier suggestion, ask him directly in a friendly way to help clear the plates or even better help dry or wash the dishes with you - that way you can initiate a friendly conversation with him while he's a "captive audience" at the sink with you. My mum does this and it has worked wonderfully to break the ice with boyfriends and to start developing a friendly relationship with them.