I live at home with my parents due to me being pregnant and separated from my partner. I was only supposed to be here temporarily as I was moving out when when my baby is a few months old and I've got the hang of motherhood and going it along but I feel Im going to have to stay for some time.
So as not to drip feed I will try and give you as much of a back story as possible, as I am at a complete and utter loss with my DF.
My DF moved to the north from London with his job. He had a very good job and financially him and my DM were very comfortable when I was a child (I'm their only child so they could comfortably afford all childcare costs for me etc).
My parents were very happy together and family life was lovely.
My DF often gets stressed quite easily. When I was younger he had a string of horrid bosses who were boarder line bullies. When this started he would return home with a small glass of whiskey, not much and he would never get drunk. As the years went on he'd do this more and more as he got in from work. Eventually this turned into him waking up at 5am for a glass, and after a few hours of being home from work he'd be staggering everywhere.
When I was a teen, I'd say age 14 ish, he started blaming myself and my mum for him drinking. He was never violent, but he could be harsh with words.
I remember begging my DM to leave him and we'd move somewhere else because I was so embarrassed especially if I had friends over and he was wobbling all over the place.
Id asked him personally to stop drinking, but this caused a huge uproar with him saying "and why do you think I drink" with a horrible tone of voice, and he'd call me a bitch and whatever else. As I was so young it killed me to hear as I was trying to help.
I think I've blocked out most of my teenager years at home just due to the fact it was a horrible time for me. Countless arguments and having to see my DM cry constantly. She'd always been afraid to lose him as he's got no family where we live, and his family are very distant and don't bother with him. She thought if she left him he'd drink himself to death.
When I was 15 or 16 he was made redundant and offered early retirement. This was brilliant as we managed to pay off the mortgage for the house and have a nice amount for savings. My DM thought that my DF not working in that workplace any more would give him a new lease of life and he'd feel better in himself and not continue to drink. We celebrated by going on holiday to New York. No more than half an hour after being in the hotel my DF had a seizure due to alcohol withdrawal and spent the next 6 weeks in intensive care.
Myself and my DM were heartbroken and angry as he'd not looked after himself and we warned him he'd end up killing himself, but those were just words to him.
When he came home and he'd been detoxed he didn't drink at all. It was brilliant, we felt he'd had a huge wake up call and finally things were on the up.
Fast forward to this year, my DM found a bottle of vodka under his side of the bed. She was livid and told him if he wanted to carry on killing himself he was to go and do it somewhere else and spare her of the heartbreak again.
Again she tried to help him but nothing would work. Last month he was diagnosed with mouth cancer due to drinking so much and 40 years of smoking.
He had an operation to remove the cancer from his mouth and to remove his glands from his neck a few days ago. Due to him drinking regularly he had to be admitted to hospital a few days before the operation so he could detox. At 5.30 in the morning I caught him drinking (not sure what, I think it was port). I was mortified as at this point i wasn't aware of the vodka he'd his in previous months.
Due to complications after the operation he'd been on a life support machine but thankfully he's on the mend. He has a tracheotomy in so can barely talk but has had a further setback as he's had an infection and been back in intensive care.
just after his op he asked my DM to buy port for when he comes home and she hit the roof.
He's been in a lot of pain due to infection and he now says he's too depressed for visitors which I understand as he cant talk and due to scarring on his neck and tubes everywhere he looks a bit of a fright.
He's a lovely man. He's honestly a brilliant father and husband, but he's not him any more iyswim. He didn't have a good childhood and was abused and sexually assaulted by a family member, although he's never told me this it was my DM who told me. I believe it's this that has caused so much depression and caused a need for him to turn to alcohol.
I feel for him, I really do. But I am at a complete loss. Myself and my DM have tried everything to help and tried asking other family members, but they don't see the issue as he never goes to the pub and he always seems 'fine' when they see him. It's only ever myself and my DM who have any sort of backlash from it all and I will admit it can be awful at times And we've both wanted to leave him, but we can't because we care so much.
Because of what happened in New York his holiday insurance didn't cover it so we've had to pay back £82,000. My DF pays this back monthly but needs financial help from my DM who can't afford to treat herself any more or go out with friends or anything as she's helping to pay his debts back.
I feel awful for resenting him in any way especially as he's going through such a tough time now, but I feel as though me and my DM have just been 'left to cope with it'.
We've tried speaking to his GP, who, stupidly told him he is allowed to drink as long as it's no more than x amount of units per week. Of course he cannot keep to 'x units'.
We've told him when he's out of hospital he is to attend counselling, rehab and anything else that can help as we cannot take it any more. The emotional stress of watching someone kill themselves with alcohol is horrendous.
My DM has a history of depression and she has told me she wants me to stay with her as she's scared of being left with my DF in case he drinks again or in case one day she wakes up and finds him dead. She's had a mental breakdown in the past and I will do everything I can to make sure she never will again and I will not leave her, but at the same time I have my baby to think about who will be born in December.
AIBU to just not know what to do and have very little faith that anything will change?
AIBU to wonder where the help for people living with an alcoholic is? Because he doesn't physically abuse us, there's not much anyone can help us with, but I feel the mental abuse it has caused us is worth some help.
Sorry for how long this was, it's mostly a huge rant I cannot tell people in RL.