Expecting Ex to turn up at a set time?

[matyandwillsmum]

Hi,

My Son is 11, 12 in November.

My Ex is very unreliable, say he'll turn up at 6 then swan along at 7.30 . No contact to say he's running late, or any apology or anything.

I'm getting really quite pissed off with it, on Friday I was meant to be going out in the evening but had to cancel as I didn't know where he was ( could have arranged something if he'd contacted to say he was late).

This happens on a regular basis, meaning I can never make any arrangements on a Friday, including for my youngest. Which doesn't seem fair.

I've asked for him to be realistic about what time he can get to us and asked that he either agrees a time that'll work regardless to what time he finishes work, or that he has a day he'll text me ( so the day he gets his rota) to let me know what time pick up will be.

It also upsets son that his dad is so unreliable.

He won't do either, just expects to have total freedom to do what he wants.

I wouldn't mind so much, what really winds me up is the no contact, he totally takes us for granted, just assumes we have nothing better to do. He's like it with money too, will say he'll pay maintenance on a day but won't contact me to say he can't afford it so I'll have to find it out for myself.

AIBU feeling this is all pretty crap?

YANBU - he sounds like a cock

Why not one day wait until the time then if he doesn't show up, you & your son just go out & go to the cinema or for a meal. If he complains then tell him you didn't think he was coming. After a few times he may get the picture he has to turn up at the proper time.

CSA for maintenance.

Get more assertive OP!

Go out. Give him 10/15 minutes leeway incase a meeting overruns or there's traffic, and if he hasn't contacted you in that period, do something else.

If you have plans and he doesn't show up, could you have back-up childcare for your DS? At nearly 12, presumably he doesn't need much in the way of childcare. You said that if you had notice, you could have arranged something, so could you not arrange that anyway, but as a "just in case" back up plan?

YANBU - NRP Dad here - I am on time 99% of the time -otherwise it's a phone call or text to say why and with a revised eta. My car broke down twice and and I got stuck in a very unexpected traffic jam once.

He is upsetting his own son. Obviously you and your other child too. But his own son must think dad doesn't really care about seeing him.

Yanbu, I agree with pp suggestion to wait 15 mins and then go somewhere with him yourself. If you're kind, you could let ex know that this will happen unless he gives reasonable notice.

Definitely do what midnightvelvet said! Yanbu at all! He needs to get his act together

Yanbu. He's totally screwing up his long term relationship with his son. Once he's a teenager he's not going to want to wait around for him full stop.

YANBU. My DH and I travel 140 miles to see his DCs every week and always do our best to be on time. If ever we think we're going to be late we make sure we let his ex know asap. Same with dropping them home. She has things to do and relies on us for childcare at certain times so being late could really mess up any plans she has. Plus it's common courtesy to be on time!

Take the 'power' away from him. Contact the CSM today and start a claim. Formalise access arrangements (through the court if necessary) and keep a diary re lateness etc. If he is meant to be there at 6pm and doesn't turn up or is late by say 30 minutes take your son out. Ex will soon get the message.

PP has already suggested what I was going to say - if he's more than 10/15 minutes late, make you and your DS unavailable to him. Go out yourselves. He'll quickly realise how unreasonable and rude he is being. And make formal arrangements for CSA payments.

15 minutes then go out. I remember the torture of staring out the window waiting for my dad to turn up. I wouldn't let a child got through that.

Funnily enough I have just gone through CMS to sort out maintenance so I don't think he's in the best of moods with me at the moment!

I think I will try giving him a few mins to be late then go out somewhere. I've never been one to do that, don't like playing games and would worry that he'll get revenge by not being there when we go to collect son on the Sunday. however we do need to do something. He's always walked all over me, treats my family with very little respect.

Does upset Son too, although according to Ex, it doesn't! This is son who won't tell his dad anything, when Son was sick at his dads house he text me to tell me as he didn't want to tell his Dad . He has confidence to say anything to his Dad at all.

Cheers everyone

This is son who won't tell his dad anything, when Son was sick at his dads house he text me to tell me as he didn't want to tell his Dad

My DD (15) is like that with her dad too. Poor kids

It is sad staronthetree, Ex and I don't get on at all, he does a lot of things that I'm sure are meant as a punishment to me ( we went to court many years ago and he didn't get most of which he wanted) so it feels he does a lot to get at me when actually the one stuck in the middle is a young boy which doesn't deserve any of this crap.

I've sent Ex a text saying that from now on if he's more than 15 mins late, and hasn't made contact to say that he's running late, then Son and I will be going out. He hasn't replied, and probably won't reply but it's made me feel better...

Oh well done.

Well done. Please don't think of it as playing games, you've made it very clear to your ex what will happen if he doesn't turn up on time. You wouldn't let anyone else treat your son with such contempt, so don't let his dad do it.
Top tip from my own experience is to turn off your phone if you do take your son out, so you don't end up in a pointless argument.