to sometimes feel I want him back

[snowycat]

My ex and I separated 18 months ago. We were together for 15 years. We had a turbulent relationship and one day he decided to leave after an argument. We have 3 dcs. Age 2, 6 and 9. One of them has special needs.
6 months after we separated I started seeing someone I met through OLD. He knew about this as we have remained amicable and he sees the kids regularly. He then decided he wanted us to get back together. There were promises that he would change some bad habits and generally he said it was all his fault that the relationship was difficult, esp once the kids came along, and that he would change.
I was very unsure it was possible for him to give up habits that had been part of his life for 20 + years and so I said no. He was devastated but a few months later he met someone else and seems happy.
I'm still with my new partner and that is going very well. My problem is that sometimes I really miss my ex and despite all his difficult traits I sometimes wonder if I still love him.
Lately, he has been extra nice to me since I started divorce proceedings. Lavish birthday gifts, compliments, being helpful and kind. He told me he's down about the prospect of divorce but I feel confused by his behaviour and my own feelings. Thank you for reading all of this. I feel so confused by it all I can't seem to think straight.

You were together 15 years and have 3 children together. I think it would be strange if you didn't occasionally feel that way.

Probably best to keep reminding yourself that your non negotiables havn't changed, and you would almost certainly end up back where you started, ie splitting up again.

Focus on your new relationship and on keeping civil for your children. Good luck with it all.

Thanks owl. Very sensible advice. I suppose I'm sad about breaking up the family and the kids find it hard and confusing to have time with their Dad without me around. Sometimes they don't want to go with him and they don't understand why I don't spend time with them and their Dad, for example when he takes them out for the day.
It's heartbreaking stuff.

It's surely a difficult time. But it's not your fault this has happened.

He is the father of your children and you were with him a long time. Those feelings don't always just disappear. Even when they display awful behaviour.

And yes part of you wants the 'family' back for the kids.

I thinks it's very common and as pp said, just keep thinking about the reasons you split and decided not to take him back.

Ok I'm probably going to get shot for this but I would have a slightly different view.

Before going ahead with a divorce, please try to think about what you really want for YOU. Ultimately you both seem to be able to coparent amicably so it doesn't sound like your kids are going to face a full scale war even if the divorce goes ahead. That's a great place to start.

Before the argument that led to him walking out, were you thinking of separation? Or were you thinking he needed to step up? Do you know much about his current relationship? In other words, did he bring the same bad habits to that one or does he appeared to have learned something? Do you love him (warts and all iykwim)? Is it fair on your new partner if in your head you're still hankering after your DH? Just a few thoughts before it's all final. But I really hope I haven't made things worse.

I think its fairly normal snowy but when you look back & feel nostalgic I bet that its only for the good times & the bad times are temporarily forgotten :)

You both have new partners & you didn't take him back when he wanted you to so maybe love is not quite the word for it. Assuming you both carry on as you are then I think you need to detach a bit. Lavish birthday gifts & all the rest of it strike me as being part of a long game to win you back.

Out of interest has he stopped the habits at all?

Decide whether you want to give it another shot & if not then you need to detach properly. No more gifts, return them & he doesn't need to be helpful & kind, he has to be a father to his children & that's it as far as you're concerned. It doesn't matter what he thinks about the divorce as its going to happen & its not your business how he deals with it.

This is the acid test I used with my husband, it may help or it may not. Think back to your worst ever day with him, go over what happened in your mind, go back over his behaviour & how he treated you on that day. Then decide if you had to have that day again would you be happy to climb into bed with him that night. Or would you be relieved that you didn't have to?

Thanks for all the useful opinions on this. He hasnt changed as far as I can tell. He smokes, drinks heavily and lies about both of these things and lots of other things as well. The trust went out of our relationship when I discovered some very sexual emails between him and a woman 20 years his junior. He swore they didn't sleep together, but I will never know. This was a few years before we split so I was certainly doubting our future a few years ago.
I think part of me feels guilty for breaking up the family and divorcing a man who seems decent on the surface. I did try to get him to change some aspects of his behaviour when we were together and we tried counselling which he stopped attending. I tried to get him to cut down on the alcohol and to tell me the truth, but he always twisted it around and made out it was me who had a problem. When I found the dodgy emails he said it was because I had a problem with sex (!) I admit I did feel less attracted to him when we had arguments which were more common when he was drunk. I also had PND twice so did go through phases of being less interested in sex.
Anyhow, I think it's time to move on and stop looking back with rose tinted spectacles on! Midnights comment in the last paragraph made me think and I had many times in our marriage where I cried myself to sleep about his indifference, and drunken stupid behaviour which he never seemed to be able to control.