To be sad that my son is the child that never gets invited.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

DS1 has just gone into year 1. Last year for his birthday we had a party and invited the whole class. I think he was invited to 3 parties last year. Term only started yesterday but I saw several of his class mates coming out of class brandishing invites, he didn't have any. He never gets invited on play dates, and a few times I've asked classmates parents if they want their child to come back to ours and they've made excuses.

For the most part DS1 doesn't notice, but a couple of times he's been in tears when he's found out about a party he wasn't invited to.

I know it's not a big problem, but it breaks my heart to see him constantly excluded. He's not got any behavioural problems that I'm aware of so it's not that. It just makes me so sad.

Maybe the other parties were not whole class. I never did that, just invited half a dozen close friends

Do you chat to any of the parents or meet them for coffee/ drinks?

YANBU to be sad, especially as it makes your DS sad.

If he has no behavioural issues, does the teacher have any ideas as to why he's not included? Since the teacher would see his interactions with his classmates, so would have an idea if he's generally left out of things.

My DS1 has been invited to only 3 parties this year (he's year 2), despite having 16 children from his class to his party last year. Some people just don't do large parties, and others, especially the girls now, are doing girl-only parties. Having said that, the most recent party he was invited to, he ended up being the only boy there, despite others from the class being invited.

The hardest thing is that your son is upset, so that is where your priority lies - trying to manage his expectations and upset. I don't know how you do it, because I'd be sad and mad about it too :(

I don't think everyone does class parties though do they. My son is also in year one and most as well as his have been 5-8 children, most the whole class

I'm shocked he only got invited to 3 parties in reception as my memory with all 3 DCs is that they went to tons of all class parties in their reception year

Are you in a community where everyone else knows each other and you are an outsider and/or at work a lot? I'm in Yorkshire but not from Yorkshire and there are villages I would never move to as incomers is a bit of a thing.

My oldest DC has ASD but I didn't realise until he was past year one. He is very high functioning and high iq and I just thought he had his foibles, but that's how children are. He is at university away from home now and has plenty of friends but his first school years were the hardest of his life.

Sorry - obviously should have said could either of the above two scenarios apply!

Are you friendly enough with another class parent to ask for honesty.

If other parents are immediately making excuses not to have play dates that would indicate that there is some sort of problem.

Ds1 only really started having friends over, and being invited back, in about yr2 or 3. It was at the point where it was the children who were wanting their friend to come to play rather than the parents arranging their child's social life.

It was much the same with parties - not the social butterfly with the wodge of invites, maybe 3 in a year sounds about right.

I'm not big on playground schmoozing (plus don't often do school pick up) and felt bad that I might be the reason for ds1's less than sparkling social life in the early years, but he now has a few good friends who go back and forward on playdates and invite each other to parties/birthday days out etc.

I'd speak to the teacher and ask who his friendship group is. It may be he hasn't found a particular group of friends yet and the others have. He might be more on the edge of the groups or just a mingler. I know there are a few boys in my DDs old reception class that would have been in that category, not unpopular, but just not really putting themselves solidly with a group of pals. Tended to be the younger ones, maybe less boisterous, the ones that fell asleep in the afternoons rather than playing chase.

My son was extremely shy and quiet in reception/y1 but was invited to every party going and then some last year (y4)
In my experience y1 /reception parties are often for the friends of the mum so don't worry.

You sound too involved to me.
Step back he's only 4/5 he will find friends in his own time , stop trying to force it by inviting random kids he might not be friends with

It does sound a bit odd. I'd go with the advice to book a meeting with the teacher to ask about friendship groups.

I'm not inviting random people from his class. I've asked him who his friends are and asked them.

One major problem is that one of his classmates lives opposite ex-MIL and I wonder what she's been saying about me (we only split 6 months ago). I can't blame the other parent for not wanting to get involved but it still makes me sad, as DS sees her son as one of his particular friends. This mum seems to be one of the 'popular' mums so I wonder if that's where it stems from. But it makes me sad that my actions (leaving my husband) might be causing DS1 to miss out.

I think my ds only got invited to 1 party last year (he has just gone into y2). He has 2 best friends and the party was one of them. the other is an august birthday and hasn't had a party.Although ds gets on well with and plays with lots of the other kids, thinking about it, not many boys did have a party that i was aware off. most invites coming out of the classroom seemed to be for girls parties. ds wasn't bothered at all but then he had a lot of play-dates instead with his 2 best friends.

I'd definitely talk to the teacher, even if only to set your own mind at rest.

DS's friendship groups changed massively over the early years at school, so I wouldn't be unduly worried at this point, but it is worth checking out.

But it makes me sad that my actions (leaving my husband) might be causing DS1 to miss out.

Surely its not that? I don't understand grown adults treating a child like that. I think you should be brave and just ask one of the friendlier mums if they know. Playground politics are ridiculous. If youre sure he's defiantly being excluded on purpose then I would try and get to the bottom of it.

Does he do any clubs or activities where he has made a friend?
DD who has just gone into Year 1 had a friend round in the holidays who she only sees at Breakfast Club, and a friend from swimming.
She's also been to a party at the dance school Holiday club she goes to, and has made a few new friends there, some who are a little older than her.
She is an only, so I am a bit guilty of enabling things sometimes but she's enjoyed inviting lots of different friends around and has had the invite returned.

Ask popular mum directly if MIL has been spreading lies about you?

Get one of your mum mates to ask around surreptitiously to find out what is making people refuse play dates.