To keep daughter away from ex?
BeeC22 · 02/09/2015 13:13
So basically I escaped a violent relationship at the beginning of the year, I won't go into the details but it was pretty bad.
At first I continued to co parent my 9 month old with my ex, as (I know this sounds crazy) but I didn't realise just how bad the relationship was until I spoke to the police? They said to me that although I didn't realise at the time, it was an extremely abusive relationship and sexual a use had taken place numerous times. He moved out pretty much the minute I told him it was over and then continued to have our daughter for the next 2 weekends. I soon found out that he had been cheating on me the entire time we were together, as I had recieved a message from the girls new boyfriend asking me to stop my ex from harassing her! I also found out that the woman he was sleeping with had meningitis, which then he passed to me while I was pregnant and cause our baby to spend the first 3 weeks of her life dying in an incubator before making a miracle recovery! He showed no remorse for what he had done, watching a our 5 day old baby have 4 lumbar punctures in her spine, despite knowing exactly what was wrong with her.
After 3 months if abusuve emails and texts, he phoned one night at 2am and I decided to record the conversation. He was saying that he was going to come around and kill me and take my baby, saying that I deserved everything he did to me because "you are a woman and needed to be reminded of your place". My tone if voice was always a huge issue to him and he believes that a woman shouldn't speak to a man in a certain way.
All of this I could take, but then he said that he would also expect our daughter to receive the same treatment if she was step out of line as she is a little girl and it needs to be ingrained into her at a young age that she is basically just going to be a sex toy and cook which is what I was to him.
Still I tried to retain some sort of relationship with him for our daughters sake, even though when I phoned the police an gave them the recording they arrested him and basically told him no more contact. I've offered supervised contact and mediation but he won't accept them as it is on my terms and not his.
My friends and family say I am doing the right thing in not letting him near my daughter without supervision. And for the last 3 months I've heard nothing from him at all, not even on her first birthday. I just can't help feeling guilty that I am denying my daughter a relationship with her father and that she will grow up to resent me because of it.
Am I doing the right thing? Has anyone else been through the same sort of thing?
I have a new partner now who is amazing, and who has done more for me and my daughter in the past 3 months than my ex ever did in the 2 years we were together. I just can't stop feeling guilty!!
Toria2014 · 02/09/2015 13:20
I can't see how him being in your daughter's life would ever be a positive thing. He sounds like an epic c*nt and a potentially dangerous one at that.
Stop feeling guilty and feel safe in the knowledge that you are doing the best for your daughter by keeping her away from him.
hesterton · 02/09/2015 13:27
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
BeeC22 · 02/09/2015 13:42
Thank you everyone. I just feel so scared that she will grow up hating me for it. Also she has his last name which I don't think I can change without his permission so she will always wonder who he is :( just feel so crap about the whole situation and so stupid for not seeing who he really was!
NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/09/2015 13:43
In the nicest possible way you probally need to have a talk with a social worker (if they are not already involved) and have a talk with them about your ability to protect your child,understanding what it is she needs to be protected from and effective ways to go about that.
Your willingness have anything to do with your ex in such a short period of time when he presents what sounds like a significant risk to you and her will make it harder for you to protect her in the long term.it would be advisable to not make any offers of anything and have no communication at all with someone the police have told not to contact you.unless you have sourced proper child protection support and legal advice or the services of a specialist org
BeeC22 · 02/09/2015 13:49
Yes I've had a meeting with a solicitor who has written him a letter stating that any contact made that is not through the email address I've provided will be seen as harassment. I'm to update him every 3 months about how she is doing, but to keep it factual nothing personal. This is what he had agreed to previously but because I didn't respond to his email immediately he phoned and threatened to kill me. There really is no reasoning with that man. But he right, he would have to kill me before I'd let him near my daughter now.
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 02/09/2015 14:31
Initially, she might resent you for not letting her spend time with him. But once she is old enough, let her hear the recordings!
She can then make up her own mind!
My ex is a controlling bully. He asks to see ds occasionally. We try to oblige, as long as we don't have hospital appts or similar.
But always in a busy place! Preferably with a security guard...
Sometimes, two parents isn't automatically the best solution.
NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/09/2015 14:47
That sounds like a good plan.
The way to look at it is not that your daughter will resent you for him not seeing her but that she would sure as hell resent you for not protecting her from him.
Make sure you report every incidence of harrisment to the police as it will help you obtain legal aid if you need it in a few years (they like to see an incident within 2 years)
CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 02/09/2015 15:16
Would it help your feelings of guilt to write a letter to your adult daughter now, explaining what he has put you both through and how your number 1 priority has always been to protect her. You could put away until she shows signs of resentment (if she ever does) and is old enough.
WhereYouLeftIt · 02/09/2015 15:17
" I just can't help feeling guilty that I am denying my daughter a relationship with her father and that she will grow up to resent me because of it. "
Some relationships should not be allowed, for the sake of the vulnerable party. Your ex is an abusive misogynist, your daughter is one years old. SHE NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED FROM HIM.
She will not resent you for protecting her. But she well might if you don't.
SolidGoldBrass · 02/09/2015 16:34
The thing is, if you continue to run after this man and try and coax him into seeing your DD, there is a risk that you will be prevented from seeing her. You have been told by various professional services that this man is dangerous, and if you behave in a way that suggests you are open to resuming a relationship with him (whether it's because of misguided ideas about the importance of 'family' or because he is one of these very charismatic abusers able to convince you that he has changed or will change) then SS may feel that you are not capable of protecting your child from a violent rapist and decide that she will be better off losing contact with both you and him.
ollieplimsoles · 02/09/2015 16:41
I'm another one who disagrees that a relationship with a child must be maintained because 'hes his /her father.
Just as you would protect your daughter from any other dangerous person- you must protect her from him. Stop seeing him as 'her dad' and start viewing him for what he is- a threat.
You have plenty evidence to support this. Now go forth with your little girl and make sure she grows up knowing what a real man is.
BeeC22 · 02/09/2015 16:44
You've got it completely wrong! I am in no way pursuing him at all which is why I got the legal advice and the restraining order! I just can't help feeling guilty that she will resent me. After all, as vile as he is, he is still her biological dad. I posted the same thing on Netmums and got told I was a terrible mum for keeping her away from him no matter what I've done as she has a right to know him. I think that's what's made me doubt myself. But no, if he came near us id be the one in prison for killing him!
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