Is dh u to constantly bring up the past?

[junebirthdaygirl]

My dh suffers from depression. We have had difficult times in the past due to this. But he has worked hard to cooperate with doctors meds etc and is doing well. We have always been very open with the dc about his illness and when they were teenagers they struggled at various times with it. Now they are early 20s students and have met and heard of lots of others with depression and have grown up so are quite relaxed and have let the past go and so have l. However when we are having fun and light hearted chats dh brings it up saying he ruined everything and stuff like that. I find myself getting disheartened and the joy is stolen out of the moment. Kids are scattered in various places this summer and we have a what's app page chatting over and back. This evening ds was putting pictures on it that he found in an old family album and we were all laughing and chattering when dh entered the conversation saying how he had messed up all those happy days. I felt so deflated. AIBU or is he.? I say enjoy the moment. The fact we can do that means they have no issue but l feel he is making it be about him.

Yanbu, it does seem selfish of him to ruin a moment for no reason. Have you spoken to him about how this makes you feel?

I'm not sure if you can call it unreasonable, your DH probably isn't intentionally putting a downer on things. If it is playing on his mind a lot then it will be very hard for him to shake it off, although he probably could try and time it better if he wants to express his regret.

Neither of you are BU, it must be hard work and very draining to live with someone with depression so your feelings are very understandable as well. Maybe the way he feels about the past is something he needs to talk to a therapist about.

Yes, he is U. My ex used to do this all the time - in fact she still does, one reason we are no longer together.

He is, but you can see why it would be hard for him, guilt is a terrible thing and depression can make you focus on the negative. It's also a very self centred illness. It's difficult to see past yourself and your own misery.

You should talk to him. He's ruining happy times now.

He is, but you can see why it would be hard for him, guilt is a terrible thing and depression can make you focus on the negative. It's also a very self centred illness. It's difficult to see past yourself and your own misery.

This. Very well put.

Is it guilt or attention seeking? Or is he looking for reassurance, trying to make it all about him?

If it's guilt then you need to have a chat with him about looking forward and not being able to change the past

The guilt that comes with depression is immense, and the fact that you failed at enjoying xyz that you should have.

Perhaps you all need to learn a different way of dealing with each other at these moments. He says that and you can counter it and ask "is that how you feel because actually that isn't how I remember it"????

Perhaps, in the gentlest way possible, you could say to him that the past is gone and if he keeps dwelling on it now in happy times, he's at risk of spoiling the present for himself instead.

Reassure him that you all love him and point out that the fact the children can talk about the past in a happy way means he didn't spoil things for them.

Thanks for that. Have talked to him. Tried reassuring him we have all let that go now. Tried to keep it a positive thing that there is no need to keep focusing on it but then up it pops again. Sometimes l get disappointed we have to live under this shadow and especially when l sometimes feel he has a habit of making stuff be about him even if it is putting himself down.

Hygge you have put it how l would have liked to. It is ruining the happy times for me..So like a double whammy. will put it like that to him. He has sat and talked it over with the children over the years and they all have been open so l would like to leave it. Good to hear all the responses. Thanks

Thing is, just because someone has genuine depression (as opposed to some selfish, abusive people who self-diagnose depression, seek no treatment and basically use it as a golden ticket to get their own way in everything) doesn't mean that you have to indulge him all the time and allow everything to be about him. It's OK to say 'Look, save it for your therapist/shut the fuck up' if he keeps on and on whining. Because your feelings and your children's feelings matter too. You don't deserve to have your moods constantly squashed by him.

Ask him to save those comments for a time when your having a private chat. Tell him if he respects you he will do this. For instance tell him you will discuss once a month.

Hopefully he will forget!

Don't worry solid l have done that and more. But it's good to get that encouragement!! Lately l have been trying to be kinder and more understanding but that is definitely what l wanted to say this evening. Saying it once a month is a good strategy. Will suggest that.

I would just explain to him that his experience of those times was very different to yours due to his illness. He didn't ruin it for anyone except himself which is sad but nothing to do with how you all enjoyed yourselves at the time. It is guilt making him bring it up. I'm sure he's looking for reassurance but unfortunately reassurance falls on deaf ears with someone with serious depression often. But do be clear that you all have good happy memories and sometimes especially in front of the kids, it would be best not to make them question those memories.

What do your children feel? Personally, I would have liked for my father just once to acknowledge the toll his depression had on our childhood and the number of important days/celebrations etc it fucked up.

We had lots of good years when dc were younger. Great holidays and dh was very involved in sport with them and things were really good. That's when all our good memories and pictures come from. Then due to a series of events outside all our control dh went into depression and for a few years things were hard. He struggled to accept it and didn't cooperate with docs. Eventually due to hard hitting stuff from me as regards our marriage that changed. He did do all the apologies chats etc with me and dc. Difficult stuff was aired but we survived. I agree it's important to do that and wait until everyone is through but now l want it to stop. Especially when things are good and everyone is messing around and lighthearted.

june I wonder if its a reflex action your DH has, almost sabotaging things when they are good.

I have known people who can't cope with everything being great, they have to put a dampener on it.

Its as if they are half expecting everything to go tits up, so they think they may as well make it happen sooner.

Sorry if it sounds like armchair psychology, it just rang a bell when you mentioned he is negative when everyone else is feeling light hearted and enjoying the moment.