To want to change jobs and think DH should do more?

[Meandacat]

A double question which I'll try to keep as brief as poss:

1. I've always worked f/t, inc. since having DD, who is now 5. 3 years ago I left my job for one with a shorter commute. But I don't enjoy my current job. I find it pretty stressful (so I'm constantly tired and grumpy), there's very little recognition and it's in a sector under threat. So I want to move. Unfortunately, in the two years I've been looking for something else, nothing suitable has come up. Now there's a job back at my old place, at a lower grade. Do I go back to it? Do I put up with horrible commute again and lower pay for a job I prefer and find less stressful?
2. DH works from home. My long commute is only an issue because of childcare. It never bothered me before having DD. In fact, I even opted to make it longer by taking the bus rather than driving. (Cheaper and less tiring). But I left so I could be there to help DH with DD in the mornings and evenings. But I'm beginning to feel a bit peeved, esp now I can't seem to find a job I like without a long commute. Obviously DH has no commute, and can manage his hours to suit him (more or less). Yet I still get DD up in the morning and rush home to collect her from after-school club. DH drops her at school and gets dinner ready in the evening (which I plan & shop for) and feels that's fair. He does very little housework too, but that's another story. His work is not well paid (neither is mine tbh) so he does have to put in a lot of hours, and is busiest in the afternoon. But I just feel if the shoe was on the other foot I would be dropping off, picking up and making dinner, no question, because I'm not having to spend hours out of my day commuting. School is literally 5 mins walk away, btw. AIBU?

YANBU - not just for wanting to redress the current imbalance on child-care, but, on the assumption that going back to your old place could eventually get you back to your previous role/grade or better, then there are positive longer term implications for the family as a whole.

Obviously you'll still need to discuss with DH as you moving job has impacts on more than just you, but I'd approach it solely from the career/long-term benefits angle, rather than your second point.

I cannot believe he does not do the pick up when your dd's school is just 5 minutes a day. If he did just that, would that make it much less hectic for you?

He needs to do loads more, without a doubt. I would be super resentful if I were in your position.

How did this inequality in the division of labour come about. Did it creep up on you? How long a maternity leave did you take?

Is the work he does something he needs to be in one place for (eg needs to be at his laptop/on the landline) and does it need to be done at set times? I have previously had jobs which, while they involved me working at home, could not be interrupted to do things like school pick ups or the hoovering, I had to be at my laptop/sitting right by the phone during my scheduled hours.

SGB

Oops... Sorry, was just going to as what sort of work from home you have done? Desperately seeking this, to escape my current job

Unless, as SolidGoldBrass suggests, he has to be at home at certain times, he should be doing all the school pick ups. I work from home and when Ds was small and DH worked/commuted, I did all that stuff, it was the most sensible arrangement.

Querty: I have done text-chat work (which is something that doesn't really seem to exist any more) - that involved being in front of laptop at set times to respond to customer texts - and phonesex, which, again, meant sitting by the phone waiting for callers.
Right now I do some writing and copy-editing from home, which can be juggled around school hours but is not well paid.

(BTW, not suggesting OP's H is a phone sex worker - how would I know? - but if he is doing eg telemarketing or market research that might also involve set hours which must not be interrupted.)

Lol SGB! Thank you for replying I need to find something, I don't need huge money just an income. I don't earn a lot any way
I need to look for something like writing / editing.

Well my pov is that whether you are working from home or out of home, you usually have some starting and finsihing time.
Seeing that after school club usually fiinsihes at 5.30~6.00pm, this seems to be a good enough time to stop work (or have a break).

Working from home/out of home, requires a degree of juggling for both parties and usually, it's the person who is the closest to the school that ended up doing most of the dropping off/picking up. Very simply because of time constrains and how much easier it is.

Working from home also ooften has the added benefit of being able to be a bit more flexible re hours of work. This could be the case of the OP's DH too.
Otherwise, there is also the possibility for the OP to start earlier in the day and finsih earlier to do the pick ups with less rush. (That's what we do. DH starts earlier than me and does the pick up from after school club, prepares evening meal etc whilst I start later in the day, does the drop off, reading the morning etc... buut I come back home late).

Re the changing job and whether it's a good idea. Is the job at your old place giving you some good career opportunities? And how much of a 'dead end' is the industry where you are now? (ie are you actually saying it's likely you will looe your job in 1/2/3 years time?)

I think there is a misconception that work from home jobs are way more flexible than they are. If he is, for example, a writer - not communicating with other businesses etc, he could conceivably be doing the school run. If he is business to business, or similar and needs to be communicating continuously, then he couldn't. Just the same as many people couldn't pop out of work to do the school run.

In which case the question is: when is he supposed to finish his day?

Most people (regardless of whether it's an out of home or at home type of work) are finishing by 5.30pm so can do the pick up from the after school club.

The question really is:

• on a very practical pov, can her DH stop working at 5.30 to collect his dd?
• If he can (even tough he might not want to), is it OK for him to make 'more effort' (as he sees his input as plenty - I suspect that's the reason why he doesn't want to do more. He has decided he is doing enough) so that his wife can do what she wants/have a nice job? In effect, who is taking priority? Him not having to do more house related stuff or his DW getting a better job?

Of course the least he could do is to do the drop off and pick up since he has no commute. It's not a very hard thing is it? Traffic and commute is unpredictable. It can get very stressful trying to get there on time. DH has a local job and I have a 35mile one way commute. He agreed to do both pick up and drop off when I go back this month.

Well, in our case (both working FT and up to recently both commuting up to an hour, but DH now working 10 mins from home) - one does mornings and the other does evenings. So I get up, get MYself ready, and go, in the mornings. DH gets DD up, organizes breakfast and school lunch, admittedly hands over to a minder for the hour before DD needs to be in school, but does the morning stuff before he leaves (minder was necessary before his commute changed, and it is worth it to keep her on for a few reasons).

I finish up earlier than DH, get home to collect DD from afterschool club and make dinner (admittedly, it may be made and cooking in oven, or half prepped from yesterday - but I get it organized and on the table). DH gets home about the time dinner is ready, or may work later and eat when he gets in.

We tend to share the housework. I tend to be the planner and organizer in advance, and do the shopping (although that is often organize the internet delivery).

It works for us. We alternate if one has a meeting or other commitment at the "wrong" end of the day for us - just let each other know in advance. And occasionally one or other needs to do the 2 ends of a day for various reasons, but it balances out over time.

If your DH is at home, can he prep dinner while taking his lunch break? Can he be in to supervise grocery delivery? If his afternoons are busy, could he take total control in the mornings and let you go for your commute?

I work from home, most of the time. I do a professional job and there is no way that I could go out to do the school run. I could probably run errands at lunch, if I needed too, but lunch is flexible so anything that needed to be done at a certain time is out.

I also think that if you're working at home and therefore have no commute, you're expected to be a bit more flexible with your leaving time. Not every day, but if you're needed.

I don't think it's anywhere near as easy as, he's at home so he should do it. That only works if he's a SAHP or unemployed at the moment.

2. Have you actually discussed the childcare situation with your DH? It sounds like you took a presumably joint decision that you would cut back on the commute in order to do more childcare. He is only BU if he is not sticking to the original agreement or you have told him that it's not working for you and he has refused to make alterations. If he just hasn't mind read that you're fed up, that's not his fault.

3. I would probably go back to the old job, but it depends a bit (a lot) on what the career progression is like in each case. If you stick this one out for a couple of years will things get better? And what are the chances of being promoted if you do go back to the previous one? Also how far would the lower pay affect your lives? What it just be cutting back on luxuries or would it make necessities difficult?

4. Very little housework is entirely unacceptable, presuming that this means you are doing it instead.

Actually, I see in your OP that the H can be flexible over his working hours.
Talk to him. It does sound as though he is not really pulling his weight and could do more, but it could be that he needs telling - we are all still socialised to consider domestic work and childcare to be predominantly women's work that he might actually need to have it pointed out to him that he is not doing enough.

Why is DH not doing enough? He is spending all his day either on childcare or working on his paid job. OP spends the same either on childcare, commuting or her paid job. If DH has to drop DD at school AND do the evening pickup he may feel that his working day is cut too short (presumably no chance of continuing to work once DD is at home?)

But that's by the by. Personally I think OP would be mad to change jobs for a longer commute and less money. But I think she needs to understand why DH won't pick up DD from after school club. Is it because he can't (work commitments) or because he needs to work a longer day, or because he thinks OP likes doing it, or has it just not occurred to him?
It may be that one solution is to use a breakfast club as well as after school club, so that DH can do both drop offs and still get all his work done.