was i?

[OhBigHairyBollocks]

It was a relatives birthday today. Every year we would have a family picnic (about 20/30 of us, sometimes more!). Said relative very sadly died earlier this year.
A few weeks ago we planned for a picnic, just as a way to mark the occasion i suppose. Everyone happy with the plans, no questions asked.

I found out yesterday that it had been cancelled- no consultation on anyone else's opinion, its just been cancelled by several members of the same "branch" of the family (think, daughter and her children, etc) because a young child was admitted to hospital last week. Child has been home and recovered since Tuesday.
The branch of the family then announced that they were picking up relatives DW, and having lunch on their own with her. No invite for anyone else, no consideration that we may have wanted to support her as well.

Pictures have appeared on whatsapp today of some kind of plant burial thing, with a special marker "For XX relative" IYSWIM.

I'm cross. And really really upset. I would have never arranged for lunch with relatives DW on our own with no consideration that everyone else may want to see her, be together, today. A member of the family sent me a message asking me if i was annoyed with her after I didn't reply to an earlier, unrelated message from this morning.

Theres a huge backstory, but in relatives last few years, I was mainly the one visiting every week (in a residential home) while they all forgot about him, basically. It really upset me at the time but I've been very good and kept my mouth shut. When he died they all suddenly "remembered" him again, and have made a huge song and dance of everything to do with him since.

So when I recieved this message I saw red. And told them exactly why I was upset. I wasnt rude, or overly confrontational (i dont do confrontation, ever!) and I just said how disappointed I was that we hadnt been considered in these new plans, when had it been the other way round, they would have been absolutely furious.

Family member very angry with me. Lied about when all these plans were made (told me they were made yesterday, when i know [from another source] they had been changed since young child was in hospital), and basically, im being made out to be the bad guy. Says they havent done anything wrong.

What do you think? After recieving a tirade ive simply said that i dont wish to argue over the matter. AIBU?

Sorry for your loss, I would be very upset about being treated like this.

Could you do something with some of the other left out relatives to remember your relative? Maybe re arrange the picnic?

Thankyou Owl. I didn't really know grief until this year. Its been horrendous.

I think we will, it just feels a bit tainted now. DH has been lovely today and we've gone and laid flowers in his special place. It just feels all wrong

What's the problem? Not all family get-togethers have to include the whole family. Arrange to see them another time. You don't own the occasion.

Have I understood this correctly, his daughter cancelled the big get together because one of her children was ill in hospital. Instead she chose to remember her dad's birthday with just her immediate family and her mum/stepmum?

If so then sorry YABU. She can mark her dad's birthday however she likes.

Without any consideration for his other children and what they may have wanted to do with their mum?

I agree we don't own the occasion. Of course we dont. But I dont see that they do either.

Just so something with her another day. No big deal.

Is this your dad, mum and sister you are talling about? If so yanbu...

Depends what the relationships are but generally yanbu. I am thinking this is your sibling who has messed you about re being with your mum?

You are definately not bu. We have a tradition that marks my dms birthday. We still do it now after her passing. If my siblingr cancelled it and rearranged it withoutme I would be very upset.

Huge unmumsnety hugs. Its a shit place to be in

This was your DAD? Your siblings and your mum excluded you?

Wow! That's just terrible. I'm so sorry!

If you are talking about your dad and your sister and your mum then that's different. But your OP gives the impression they're not immediate family because you refer to them as 'a relative', 'his daughter' and 'his wife'.

It really depends on who this person is to you

Tbh from what you've written I actually think YABU.

The family didn't "forget him" - they were still celebrating his birthday with the picnic each year.

Your sister is recovering from the stress of having a child ill in hospital. Maybe she needed to spend time with her mum without a big family get together.

You can do something else to mark the occasion with your mum.

You don't own the grief and you have to allow others to grieve too.

though, it must be very very hard for you.

If this was your uncle or cousin, YABU. If it was your dad, YANBU.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I agree it was thoughtless, especially if this was your Dad.

Hold on. Your dad (?) died earlier this year. The usual birthday pic-nick was going to go ahead anyway in rememberance yesterday, but got cancelled on Sunday due to your niece/nephew (?) not being well enough from being in hospital recently.

Your sister (?) took your mum out for a quick/quiet lunch yesterday instead.

for your loss OP.

However i don't think this was done to spite you,or was particularly thoughtless. Did you ring your mum on Sunday, when you found out the picnic was cancelled, to see if she wanted to do anything else? Maybe the idea is for the picnic to go ahead another day? In better weather?

Well I was about to steam in YABU, but if it was your Dad then you're not bring unreasonable to be upset