SIL refusing help for incontinent DN.

[OxfordCommoner]

Dn is nearly eight and still wet at night, he soaks through more than one pull up and needs changing in the middle of the night. He also needs to go for a wee constantly throughout the day, which I think is linked. So much so that SIL won't let him go anywhere unless there is immediate access to a toilet, which rules out outdoor parties and often soft play etc in case there's a queue.

We went through this with DD and as soon as she was seven she took a short course of Desmopressin and has been dry ever since, and much better at holding it through the day. SIL (and Bil to a lesser extent) keep brushing us off when we suggest going to the gp.

I know some people are anti medication but I know they're not, they used to give him calpol literally every day when he was a baby in case he was teething or had a cold. I don't know why they don't want to seek help for this; they complain and moan about it all the time but then brush off any advice or offers of help. Not just with medication, we've suggested all the usual things, bed alarms, no red drinks, lifting and they refuse to try any of it, saying that he wouldn't want to do it.

I actually think it's a bit neglectful to not try and tackle this issue when it's impacting on him enjoying himself and joining in with his peers. Aibu? And what do you suggest?

YANBU, poor lad. Have they ever said why they don't want to take him to the doctor? Are they trying not to make a big deal of it, because they think it'll make him worse?

As an aside - no "red" drinks, what?

I have no idea why she won't take him to the doctors. Weirdly she was the complete opposite when he was a baby/toddler and used to rush him to casualty for teething troubles. She seems to have gone completely the other way with this though.

Red drinks like black currant etc can make wee accidents more likely, apparently.

Maybe they are getting help but don't want to talk about it? (In case it doesn't work maybe?). I hope for the boys sale that this is the case.

It does sound like it's really affecting his life which is such a shame for him, especially getting to an age where he will want to do more and go further.

Sorry, no advice but yanbu to be concerned.

How does he cope at school?

They are definitely not getting any help, we had a big conversation about it the other day and while BIL showed an interest in going to the gp it will ultimately be up to SIL and she was completely anti the idea.

yanbu also her son might be entitled to NHS nappies i now get them for ds 2 who has asd and learning disabillities [so is still not toilet trained at five] they are much better than normal nappies so i dont have to change him at night.

He's just moving up to junior school, at his infants they had free access to the loos, I don't know about his new school.

I didn't know that about nhs nappies, I know the cost of nappies is an issue for them so I'll suggest they go the doctor to ask about prescription pull-ups. Perhaps that's a good way in.

Maybe she feels embarrassed by the situation and perhaps bullied by a 'big conversation' maybe mention the Eric website to bil when she isn't there and let him bring it up at more suitable time. There is lots of help out there and no mum doesn't want to help her child, maybe she just feels a bit overwhelmed. Night time wetting is at least normally in your private home, day time incontinence in older children can be mortifying.

i get a three months supply now based on three/day we had an assessment via the disabillity team but i,m sure there must be a continence service in their NHS trust ? that can advise?

You could suggest raising it with the school nurses. It also depends how your DN feels about it.

I also have a child who has wetting issues day and night, and the night issues aren't really on my radar until the daytime problems are sorted. Seems a bit cart before horse otherwise. But constantly needing the loo sounds like he needs to have a UTI ruled out at the very least.

She definitely isn't embarrassed by it, we were at a party at the weekend and she was telling the room that she had to get up at 3am to change him as he was wet through, this was what led to the conversation. It's difficult to explain what she is like about it, she does a lot of 'woe is me' ing about it but then stonewalls any advice.

It makes me very sad for him as there is obviously something not right, whether it's medical or emotional, and he's not getting any help with it.

Our ds is the same except we got a radar key (from amazon) and use that so we still go out and about, just take extra clothes. We have been seeing the enuresis nurse but no offer of nappies or tablets. :( perhaps I should ask directly?

Anyway YANBU as they do offer good advice.

Poor lad, it is also possible for dads as well as mums to take children to the doctors. It isn't just up to her!

Didn't realise that about red drinks, good to know.

Is there anyway you can get BIL on his own? Or your husband can talk to him? I assume it's his brother? Or is SIL his sister?

Please tell me the lad wasn't there while she was complaining to a roomful of party guests.

I was being hopeful, sorry to be proved wrong ????

Nappies would at least give him a more normal life, as he could do activities further from a toilet!

I agree with the PP who said night time is off the radar til daytime is sorted, he may be having disturbed sleep from being woken to be changed, but maybe proper older child nappies would help there too, and at least it's in the privacy of his own home. If he can't do things his friends can because of a medical issue he has no control of that's very sad for him.

I would call his school as a worried family member and see if they can persuade the parents to do it.

What's your SIL like in general? I may be completely off here, but I'm wondering if there's any kind of secondary gain for her - for example, is she struggling with the idea of her child growing up, and needs to feel needed by him?

That's exactly what I think, tbh.

She babies him a lot, still cuts up his food, he still has a sippy cup for drinks, she doesn't let him have any independence at all so I do think this is all part of that.

I suspect she is struggling with him growing up and it makes her feel more secure.